Neva Kee and Zoda: Tatooine Moisture Farmers
by Anguirus111
Summary: The story of how one moisture farm run by two idiots and one droid could create one of the worst ecological disasters in Tatooine history.
1. Opening Statements

A/N: I'd recommend go into my bio to read Neva Kee and Zoda: Galactic Golfing Chronicles first before reading this but it's really not necessary.

Tatooine, a few hundred years before the Death Star exploded: In a small courtroom, there was a quiet murmur amongst the crowd as they awaited the start of a trial. Soon the Judge sauntered in and sat behind his bench and looked through a folder sitting on his desk before turning to the nearest officer, or in this case an employed bounty hunter seeing as it was Tatooine and all.

"You may bring in the accused," he ordered. The bounty hunter nodded and headed for the doors at the end of the courtroom when suddenly the doors blasted open with an invisible force and a huge wind gusted in throwing the bounty hunter off of his feet and knocking him unconscious. As the winds finally died down, two diminutive figures, each no taller than perhaps three feet, entered in the courtroom shackled together. One was blue all over with red eyes with a pair of ears that were flush against his head jutting out backwards behind him while the other was green with two large ears that were horizontal to his body.

"Smooth Zoda, real smooth," said Neva Kee, the blue one, annoyed by the others tactics. "I told you not to start this trial off on the wrong foot!"

"A grand entrance is never a wrong foot," rebuked Zoda, the green one and an on again off again Jedi Knight. It really depended on his mood and whether or not the Council had sacked him for some reason or another before deciding shortly afterwards that to have him as a rogue Jedi would be an even worse fate for the safety of the galaxy.

"Yeah well look around, I doubt these people were impressed," said Neva Kee motioning at the crowd sitting on both sides of the aisle. The entire crowd looked down at the two with pure contempt and utter malice in their eyes.

"Wow I haven't seen a crowd this mad since you sliced the ruling council's table in half back Cestpus Eight with your lightsaber," commented Neva Kee.

"I hear that," said Zoda. "Hey maybe I should slice something in half here, it might 'cut' the tension. Ha, ha!"

"Oy Pah Nagoya," said Neva Kee in shame as he held his head with his hands as the two continued past row and row of scowling faces until…

"Hi, guys! Hi!" said a Hutt who was waving at them happily with a big grin on his face.

"Hello Zobba," both said deadpan at the Hutt. The Hutt produced a camera and took their photo.

"Don't worry I'll do whatever I can to help you guys out if you are indicted," said the Hutt truthfully.

"Thanks Zobba, that…really means a lot," said Neva not sure how to respond before looking at Zoda's confused expression and just shrugged. The two continued on their way.

"How is it we manage to make every species on nearly every planet we've ever visited hate us and somehow end up with a Hutt for a compatriot?" asked Zoda bewildered.

"I've wondered about that for a long time now," agreed Neva Kee. The two sat behind their table and Neva Kee began sorting through the various documents in a briefcase already on the table. At the other table sat the prosecution, an IG-24 robot assassin droid equipped to both prosecute and if needed deliver the court appointed the verdict with his built in repeating blasters. These droids also were notoriously sore losers so that even if a verdict didn't go their way they often ended up killing the defendants anyway…and on rarer occasions everyone else in the courtroom and the courtroom itself. They typically were only used when everyone wanted the defendants dead anyway but without the consequences of violating procedural due process.

"May I ask where your robot lawyer is?" inquired the Judge. Neva Kee and Zoda looked at each other sheepishly before turning to the judge.

"He exploded after his logic circuit melted when Zoda explained the details of our case," explained Neva Kee truthfully.

"I see," said the Judge slightly disturbed. The entire galactic judicial system had heard about the infamous Neva Kee and Zoda and the situations they had often gotten themselves into it. This judge believed it to all be a load of bunk but with this comment he was beginning to doubt himself and wonder whether or not it was wise to have agreed to judge this case when most of his fellow judges had fled this and the nearby three systems upon hearing about the case in question. Though that wasn't saying much, the law on Tatooine was non-existent aside from him and he knew he was only there as for PR purposes to the galaxy at large as nearly everything was decided on the streets. But what Neva Kee and Zoda did affected them all and that was why they were on trial.

"But it's not a big deal because I'm an accredited lawyer and I can defend us both," answered Neva Kee.

"Very well," responded the Judge. "Ambassador Neva Kee, Jedi Knight Zoda, how do you plead?"

"Plead based on what charges?" asked Neva. The Judge blinked.

"You don't know?" he asked surprised.

"No," said Neva. "We were hauled out here about an hour ago and then our lawyer asked us to explain our situation and then exploded five seconds later. We spent most of the hour trying to access his memory core to no avail, that thing was completely fried."

"IG-24, could you read them their charges?" asked the Judge.

"No," came the response.

"No?" said the Judge sitting up in his chair. "Why not?"

"But the time I finished with the list of charges half the individuals in here would have died of old age," said IG-24. "But if you want to take that risk its fine with me but perhaps I should get another powercell first, my first one won't last the entire length of it."

"No, that'll be alright," said the Judge waving him off as he felt a mild throbbing on his forehead. "Will the charges be presented at some point?"

"Yes most of them should become readily apparent throughout the course of the trial though our primary focus will be on proving the primary charge," said the IG-24.

"Which is?" asked Zoda goading him. "If we had all these charges accumulated against us why are we only now being put on trial?"

"Because what you did before now could still be settled in 'small-arms' court," said the robot heading for the nearest window. "But this…this affected everyone!"

The robot threw back the blinds and revealed a scene out of a Tatoonians' nightmare. Outside there was a torrential downpour of rain and individuals could barely be seen past the blurry window running about through the wind and rain trying to get to whatever destination they so desperately needed to get to.

"That doesn't look so strange to me," commented Zoda.

"This is Tatooine!" shouted IG-24. "It never rains here, much less on the level on the level of a tropical storm monsoon! It's been raining on every inch of the planet for the last week!"

"Then what're you doing in here?" demanded Zoda. "You should be out there, this is a history making event and you're missing it!"

IG-24 growled at that as his fists clenched together tightly and began shaking before a tiny spark erupted from the side of his long cylindrical head and a brief wisp of smoke came out before he calmed down and sat behind his desk slowly simmering.

"I told you not to antagonize the prosecution," said Neva berating him.

"Screw you!" said Zoda. Neva Kee shook his head in shame.

"And don't antagonize the defense either!" he added. Zoda rolled his eyes and crossed his arms but otherwise remained silent.

"So will you two be willing to enter a plea despite these unusual circumstances?" asked the Judge hopeful so that there wouldn't be any fiasco later.

"Fine," said Neva Kee defeated. "Zoda's plea will be insanity and mine shall be incompetence."

"Zoda cannot plead insanity," protested IG-24. "Tanaab vs. Zoda states…"

"That Zoda cannot declare _himself_ insane, it never said anything about anyone else declaring him insane," commented Neva Kee with a mild grin at having outmaneuvered the war machine. IG-24 said nothing at that but succeeded in tearing out a chunk of his table with his mechanical claw.

"Well if the prosecution has no objections then that will be their plea," said the Judge. "Though I hope you will be able to prove his insanity without a psychologist."

"Oh believe me, if an IG-24's logic circuit couldn't handle Zoda I don't think anyone else will either," said Neva with pity in his voice. The Judge shuddered at this.

"Opening statements please," he said desperately trying to get this trial underway. IG-24 stood up and faced the crowd.

"How come we don't get a jury trial?" asked Zoda curious.

"Hurtado vs. Coruscant, remember?" said Neva. Zoda nodded.

"In short, these two are responsible for the storm currently plaguing this problem and the economic catastrophe it has created," finished IG-24.

"Well that's not true, I bet the umbrella business is booming," said Zoda in response. Silence descended on the courtroom at that.

"Oh it is, believe me," said Zobba happily. Zoda and Neva Kee looked back at him as the Hutt waved happily before both turned forward, contemplated what he had said, and then both their heads dropped onto the table in defeat.

"Was that your opening statement?" asked the Judge. Neva Kee and Zoda sat back up.

"No…but yes," said the Diplomat defeated as he drummed his fingers on the desk.

"Prosecution you may call your first witness," said the Judge wondering what strange turn this trial would take next.

"I actually wish to call two witnesses in the interests of time," said the robot. The Judge's eyes went wide open at that.

"Does the defense have any objections?" asked the Judge.

"Considering it's both of us who'll be going up there, no," said Neva Kee deducing who the two individuals were that IG-24 had in mind.

"Well I guess there's no point in saying who you're going to call," said the Judge wistfully. Zoda and Neva Kee approached the officer who held out a book of international law that they placed their hands on.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" said the officer.

"Yes," said Neva Kee.

"No," said Zoda. Neva Kee glared at him.

"…Yes," amended Zoda shrinking back. The two then walked into the witness stand and after some brief shoving over who got more of the seat they both sat down.

"Would you please state your names for this court?" asked the IG-24 trying to be civil.

"I'm Grand Master Z and this Captain N: The Gamemaster!" said Zoda with a big grin on his face. IG-24 growled at him.

"That's not your names!" he said.

"Yes it is!" protested Zoda. Neva Kee's groaned.

"Zathura!" he shouted.

"Yes Enkidu?" asked the Jedi.

"Just leave it alone," said the diplomat annoyed but with a slight curve at his lips. Zoda laughed as IG-24 about popped a gasket as smoke began escaping his head.

"Do I have to hold you two in contempt?" asked the Judge to them.

"No, we'll behave," said Neva Kee. "I'm Neva Kee and this is Zoda."

"Hi," said Zoda lightly waving. Zobba happily waved back and Zoda instantly stopped upon seeing this before looking away annoyed. Zobba, ever the optimist, continued smiling and produced a camera which he took a snapshot with.

"Confiscate that camera," ordered the Judge. "This isn't a circus I'm running here!"

"No!" protested Zobba holding the camera close to his body as the other bounty hunters closed in on him.

"What are you so scared about, they can't hurt you, you're a Hutt!" shouted Zoda past IG-24.

"Oh yeah," said Zobba before he hung the camera, with its gigantic strap, around what could be considered his neck and held up his fists.

"Bring it on!" he shouted as the Bounty Hunters tackled him.

"Would you start at the beginning?" asked IG-24 aggravated as behind him chairs went flying and shouts could be heard as a three way brawl emerged as observers ran for their lives as the fighting continued.

"Well," began Zoda thoughtfully. "First Tatooine cooled. And then the Krayt dragons came, but they got all big and fat and they turned into oil. And then the Jawas came and they bought Sandcrawlers. And then Prince…"

"Zoda!" snapped Neva Kee as IG-24 began turning red from the inside.

"Whoops!" said Zoda looking at the assassin droid wide-eyed. "Maybe Neva should tell this part of the story."

"Yes, maybe we can restore some civility to this madhouse," agreed Neva Kee amicably. A bounty hunter slammed into the Judge's bench before collapsing unconscious. Zobba kept fighting with the other bounty hunter before his tail slammed against him, knocking the hunter unconscious. Zobba settled down and so too did the terrified audience as Neva Kee began his story.

"It began on this planet, not too long ago…"

Earlier, Tatooine: Several bantha were chewing on some grass when a tremendous explosion reverberated across the Dune Sea. The banthas made a break for it as a massive flaming object screamed across the sky and plowed into the ground throwing sand everywhere. Two individuals ran from the object before it exploded flinging debris everywhere.

"Nice flying Zee," commented Neva Kee picking himself up off the ground.

"Oh be quiet," said Zoda brushing sand off of his jacket. "You should be grateful we're still alive."

Together the two looked at the wreckage behind them and headed for a town in the distance.

Mos Eisley: Neva Kee emerged from Bob O.'s Speeder Rental and Repair shop.

"So what'd he say?" asked Zoda anxiously who had been waiting outside.

"He said we'd be better off buying a new ship but he'll do what he can," said Neva.

"So let's buy a new ship then and get going," said Zoda wanting to be off.

"No," responded Neva shaking his head.

"No?" asked Zoda confused. "What do you mean no?"

"We're not leaving," answered the diplomat walking off. "We're staying right here."

"What?" demanded Zoda following him. "Why?"

"Because I need a vacation after having to constantly flee planet after planet because of something you did," answered the blue alien. "And it's time you learned some responsibility since you're the one who stranded us here."

"Hey!" protested Zoda. "It's not my fault! How was I supposed to know the ship could handle those kinds of stresses?"

Neva Kee stopped in his tracks. "Oh gee, I don't know…maybe BECAUSE I TOLD YOU THE SHIP COULD HANDLE THAT STRESS!"

Zoda paused at that.

"You could've been wrong," he offered lamely.

"And when have I ever been wrong?" asked Neva Kee bluntly. Zoda again thought about this before realization dawned on him.

"When you let me fly the ship, ha ha!" laughed Zoda. Neva Kee dropped his head in humiliation.

"Come on, let's go through customs," he said waving the Jedi forward as they continued on down the street.

Customs: Zoda and Neva Kee were standing in line waiting to be processed.

"I can't believe it took us ten minutes to get here and we've been in customs for over three hours," Neva Kee grumbled. Zoda shrugged.

"Anyway, so I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice," he said oblivious to Neva Kee's annoyance at their whole situation. Neva narrowed his eyes and starred at him for a few moments.

"You're an idiot," said Neva Kee finally. Zoda shrugged.

"Just trying to pass the time," he said.

"Yeah well you're making it seem longer than it should be," said Neva Kee. "Must you tell that story every time we're in a customs line?"

"Don't be jealous that I met someone famous when you weren't around," stated Zoda crossing his arms in a huff.

"Zoda I'm more bewildered as to how you made it to Tibet much less how you met the Lama," answered the diplomat. "Earth's not exactly within walking distance you know."

"Well I did it anyway," said Zoda with a gigantic grin on his face. Neva Kee rolled his eyes but chose not to respond. They finally reached the customs agent.

"Names?" asked the Agent.

"I'm Neva Kee and this is Zoda," said the diplomat quickly before the Jedi could open his mouth.

"Please answer separately please," answered the Agent. "Species."

"Xamster," answered Neva.

"Whill," responded Zoda. Neva Kee spun and faced him.

"Oh for-, you are not a Whill!" he scoffed.

"I am too a Whill!" protested Zoda.

"No you're not!" Neva Kee retorted.

"Yes I am!" responded Zoda refusing to back down.

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Would you knock it off, you know that's not true!" said the Diplomat on the verge of nearly throttling his fellow companion.

"Prove it," responded Zoda smugly. Neva Kee smiled darkly at that.

"We met the Whills remember?" he said. "They tried to kill you for trying to steal their damn journal!"

"…Oh yeah," said Zoda recalling that encounter. "Those preachy bas-."

"Anyway," said Neva. "Just write down 'unknown tridactyl species' for him."

"Okay…" said the Agent confused. He always seemed to get the weirdoes on this job.

"Professions?" he asked next.

"Diplomat," responded Neva Kee.

"Hellraiser!" commented the Jedi happily crossing his arms. The Agent looked at him doubtfully.

"I'd actually write that down, it's probably the most accurate job description he's ever assigned himself," said the diplomat. The Agent reluctantly wrote it down, he'd be hearing from his boss later about this.

"Intended length of stay?" he then asked.

"Knowing our luck it'll be indefinitely," responded Neva Kee looking at Zoda pointedly. Zoda looked at him shocked.

"Oh sure, blame the Jedi!" he shouted. The Agent's jaw dropped as he looked at Zoda wide-eyed before Zoda recoiled realizing what he'd said and what that meant here.

"Oh, you are not a Jedi either!" said Neva Kee covering for him.

"I am too!" protested Zoda. The Agent calmed down and just shook his head as he chalked it up to another lie.

"Oh yeah, then stop this!" shouted Neva Kee. This was a perfect opportunity to get in some blows against Zoda for his own amusement. Neva Kee punched out his fists in various directions before throwing a punch that knocked Zoda off of his feet.

"And the crowd goes wild!" said Neva Kee in a rare moment of not being completely serious.

"The crowd is about to get its butt kicked!" said Zoda getting back to his feet and leaping at Neva Kee who deftly sidestepped him only to have Zoda come to a halt and spin around and then soon both were beating each other up. They were still going at it a few moments later when the Agent looked at his watch.

"Is this going to take much longer it's almost time for my break," he stated. Neva and Zoda abruptly stopped and looked up at him.

"No, we're fine," said Neva Kee nonchalantly. The Agent handed them their Tatooine ID certificates.

"Welcome to hell's rear doorstep," was all he said and then closed his booth. The diplomat and the Jedi picked up what little belongings they had managed to recover from the crash, everything they really needed they always kept on them, and made for the exit. Instantly they were surrounded by an unruly gang.

"You want to pass, you gotta pay the toll!" the leader ordered as he held a massive mace and hit it against his palm.

"Oh I'll show you a toll!" shouted Zoda as he leapt at them.

Five Minutes Later: Neva and Zoda were walking down the street as Zoda counted the credits the gang had had on them.

"Twenty Credits?" said Zoda surprised and annoyed. "Man we'll be lucky if we can get a decent meal out of this. It figures the only gang we hit is the poorest one."

"Well that can't all be winners," said Neva Kee looking around anxiously for something.

"Yeah I guess you're right," said Zoda pocketing the creds. "I figure we find a place to hole up here and I knock off a couple of the more prominent gangs every night and in a couple weeks we should be out of here."

"I don't think so," said Neva Kee putting an end to that thought. "It's too hectic here in the city I want a place to relax."

"Man don't be lazy, we could have some real fun here," said Zoda. "And what the hell are you looking for?"

"That," answered Neva Kee pointing at a gigantic crate. They two walked over and Neva began feeling all over the crate for something.

"Neva you can't lift that," laughed Zoda. Neva grumbled something before finding a button and pressing it and the end of the box detached and came falling right at Zoda. The Jedi barely avoided it as Neva walked into the crate and an instant later came flying out in a Sorosuub landspeeder.

"Nice," said Zoda as he hopped in on the passenger's side with his stuff. The speeder took off down the street.

"Why not a T-16?" asked Zoda curious. Neva Kee looked at him darkly at that as the speeder shot out of the city.

"What?" asked Zoda confused. Neva sighed.

"Zoda do you remember back on Kamino when you somehow got that Waveskimmer to achieve ESCAPE VELOCITY!" shouted Neva. "And you put us in orbit of that world?"

"Oh yeah," said Zoda chuckling. "That was great!"

"We nearly died!" shouted Neva. Zoda turned serious.

"If Zobba had shown up when I told him to we would have made it off that planet," Zoda said crossing his arms.

"I told him not to show up!" shouted Neva. "We couldn't just avoid our jobs and cut out on those negotiations."

"He who turns and runs away doesn't have to negotiate that or any other day," said Zoda deliberately misquoting the idiom. Neva Kee rolled his eyes.

"You're an inspiration to us all," he responded lamely. Zoda looked around at the massive expanse of desert.

"So are we going somewhere or is this the scenic route?" asked Zoda dryly. "Because I think I saw the most interesting womp rat about five miles back."

"We're heading for our new home," answered Neva Kee.

"And what are we going to do there, become pirates on the high desert?" asked Zoda hopeful. Neva Kee shot him a look but remained silent. "Okay, gem miners perhaps?"

"Nope," responded Neva Kee. "We're going to be purveyors of hydrogen oxide."

"Oh well that sounds-," began Zoda before realization dawned on him. "Oh no…."

"Yep," said Neva Kee happily. "We're moisture farmers!"

"Oh that's a lame profession," said Zoda.

"Hey, it's very noble!" protested Neva. "Without these farmers this place would simply dehydrate."

"Whatever," said Zoda leaning back in his seat and placing his hands behind his head.

"So you bought a place?" asked the Jedi after a few moments.

"I've actually owned it for awhile I just never got around to visiting it," answered the diplomat truthfully. Zoda's eyes narrowed.

"Then who's been running the place?" asked Zoda curious. Neva remained silent at that.

"…Someone reliable," said the Ambassador tactfully. Zoda thought about that statement for a few moments before he slumped his head onto the forward dashboard defeated.

"He is perfectly reliable!" insisted Neva before Zoda could say anything.

"Neva, you are the model of clear thinking but how could you do something do something so irresponsible as to leave Treadwell in charge?" said Zoda at a loss.

"He will do fine!" said Neva, although fully aware he was in a loosing battle.

"He has no arms!" shouted the Jedi incredulously. "You'll be lucky if the place is still standing by the time we get there!"

"We'll be fine, trust me," said Neva trying to manage a convincing smile and failing miserably.

"This sucks," said Zoda saying what was both on their minds.

"It'll get better I promise you," said Neva Kee as the moisture farm they were heading towards grew larger and larger.

Trial: "Needless to say it didn't get better and it was at that farm that everything went horribly, horribly wrong," said Neva Kee ominously as a lightning bolt flashed outside the window and thunder caused the building to rumble briefly.

…

"It's alive!!!"

"RAAAAAARRRR!!!"

"Zoda shut up!"


	2. Pleas

Tatooine: Treadwell was lying flat on his back with its wheels spinning feverishly in a vain attempt to get back up. As it lay there, two shadows fell over it and the robot did its best to look at the two new arrivals.

"My hero," said Zoda sarcastically. Neva Kee just slapped his forehead in defeat.

"Just help him get up," said Neva wanting to avoid a headache. Zoda cross his arms.

"No," said Zoda shaking his head. "I think he's more useful to us this way."

"Pick him up now!" shouted Neva irate. Zoda gave an evil smile as Treadwell was lifted by an invisible force and then went cart-wheeling into the stratosphere like a toothpick flicked into the wind.

"That was just rude," said Neva. Zoda waved him off.

"I'll stop him from hitting the ground when he eventually comes back down," the Jedi responded nonchalantly. Neva Kee shook his head before turning towards the homestead.

"Here is our lovely home," said Neva Kee waving to the various vaporators. "Sixteen vaporators are scattered throughout the grounds that collect vapor from the sky and condense it into liquid form that is then pumped to an underground tank that we can then use to grow the food that we need and help to hydrate ourselves. Then whatever's left over, food or water, we can then sell on the market."

"Well that's just stupid," said Zoda. "Why bother collecting this stuff a little bit at a time and selling it for pennies at a time when we can get a ton of water all at once and make jillions and then leave immediately."

"And how do you propose we do that?" asked Neva Kee already knowing he wasn't going to like the suggestion.

"We don't go up," said Zoda pointing to the sky and then to his feet. "We go down."

Neva thought about that for a few moments. "You want to mine for water?"

"Yeah," said Zoda with a big grin on his face.

"No," said Neva Kee immediately.

"What do you mean no?" demanded Zoda.

"It's not cost efficient," answered the diplomat. "Even if there was water down there, and there's no proof there is, it would be buried very deep underground. To get down there and somehow get it to the surface would require a lot of equipment and a lot of time. If you were to pull it off, we would likely be here longer than if we had just used the vaporators. So no, it's not worth it."

Zoda growled lightly at him before calming down. "I will pull it off before we leave."

Neva shrugged. "It's your funeral."

"So what's that?" asked Zoda looking at a gigantic vaporator that was easily twice as huge as the other vaporators.

"Ah," said Neva Kee with a smile. "That's Old Faithful as I like to call her. She's an older vaporator back before the parts for them were miniaturized in the smaller vaporators we have today. She could pull quite a lot of water from the sky back in her day."

"So it doesn't work?" asked Zoda bluntly. Neva Kee shook his head.

"No, they stopped making parts for her kind a long time ago. But I like to keep her standing for sentimental value," said Neva looking up at the towering vaporator. Zoda did some number crunching in his head as he did some rough measurements of the thing. He then reached some conclusion in his head and smiled in response.

"What's that smile for?" said Neva suspiciously.

"Nothing," said Zoda smiling even greater. Neva Kee looked at him harshly.

"If you even think about taking that thing apart for parts to build some ridiculous contraption you can forget it," he said. Zoda looked at him, feigning hurt feelings.

"Neva," the Jedi said holding his hand to his head as if in distress. "I'm so hurt that you would think I would touch something so precious to your heart. …Ha, ha!"

"Ugh," said Neva Kee hanging his head in shame. "You're hopeless."

"What else is new," said Zoda shrugging before something caught his eye. "Um, what's that?"

"That'd be a thumper," said Neva looking at the black device sticking out of the ground designed to attract sandworms. "But you know that."

"No, that!" said Zoda pointing to the sky. A fireball was racing through the sky straight at them.

"I don't…," began Neva Kee when a scorching hot Treadwell emerged from the fireball.

"Aaahhhh!!!" shouted Neva Kee and Zoda as Neva raced off and Treadwell plowed right into Zoda throwing sand everywhere creating an artificial mushroom cloud. Finally the sand settled and Neva found Treadwell collapsed over the Jedi Knight.

"Get it off!" shouted Zoda as Neva laughed.

The Trial: "Well, so ended our first day on the farm," said Neva Kee.

"Well not exactly," said Zoda with a grin.

Moisture Farm: "Goodnight Zoda!" shouted Neva Kee as he turned off the lights in his room and covered himself with his sheets in his bed.

"Night, Neva!" came Zoda's voice. Neva Kee settled in and soon was snoozing away when suddenly…

VRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!

CRASH

…The Sorosuub Speeder plowed through Neva's wall and into his room. Neva immediately sat up and saw Zoda coughing as he groggily sat up from the driver's seat.

"ZODA!" shouted Neva Kee.

"Aah!" shouted Zoda as he ran out of the room with Neva in hot pursuit.

The Trial: "That's not relevant to this trial!" shouted Neva Kee.

"It seemed relevant to me," said Zoda shrugging.

"Anyway," said Neva Kee and trailed off at that. "Well I guess it's your question councilor."

"Oh no," said IG-24 holding up his hands in defense. "I'm going to let you dig your own hole by yourselves. If I have a question, you'll know."

"Alright," said Neva Kee amicably.

Moisture Farm: Neva Kee and Zoda walked out to one of the moisture vaporators.

"The key to any profitable moisture farm is to have vaporators that work properly," explained the diplomat. Zoda rolled his eyes extremely bored but said nothing.

"This is your standard scanner, specifically modified to scan, detect, and solve vaporator problems," said Neva holding up the device. "So let's take a look shall we?"

Neva Kee scanned the vaporator pointing out all the individual parts and how to tell if they were working or not as Zoda's eyes drooped lower and lower.

"Well that's interesting," said Neva Kee as his scanner beeped and Zoda came to attention. "We seem to have some exterior blockage on one of the supercooled cylinders."

He reached up and removed a panel on the vaporator and a brief wave of mist emanated as Zoda shoved Neva out of the way and savored it while it lasted.

"Ah, nice and cool," he said grateful to have some relief from the heat. Zoda then moved in to suck on one of the rods for moisture.

"You stop that!" shouted Neva Kee pushing him away. "You'll contaminate the water supply _and_ get your tongue stuck on there both of which I don't want to have to deal with right now."

Zoda stuck out his tongue at him as Neva Kee fished in the vaporator for something and pulled out what was blocking the moisture.

"Ooh, mushrooms!" said Zoda yanking them off of Neva Kee's hands.

"Careful," warned the diplomat producing his scanner. "They might be…"

Zoda crammed them into his mouth and instantly his irises enlarged and he collapsed in a fit of spasms.

"…Hallucinogenic," said Neva Kee slapping his scanner closed in annoyance.

"The colors Neva, the colors!" shouted Zoda as he clearly saw things that weren't there. The diplomat just shook his head and walked off leaving the Jedi alone with his 'thoughts'.

Later: Neva Kee was sampling some soup when Zoda walked in.

"You should've had some, they were great," said Zoda with a big grin. "The farther down the rod they were, the better the hallucinations."

"You had more?" said Neva Kee surprised.

"Well I had to see what those shrooms were made of," said Zoda hopping up onto the counter.

"So how'd they rank?" asked the diplomat pouring himself some soup.

"Above that stuff we found on Angor Prime but below the stuff on Cato Nemoidia," answered Zoda.

"Well I'm sure you were disappointed then," said Neva Kee taking his bowl into the dining area.

"Yeah a little bit," Zoda admitted bring a bowl of soup too. "But they have potential. Some cultivating, a little putting into the water, and we'll be raking in the dough like no time."

"We're not spiking the water," said Neva Kee cutting off that line of thought.

"Why not?" said Zoda. "We need every advantage we can get on this planet and spiking the water is what I'm sure the other farmers do."

"That may be true, but do I really need to remind you about the 'tomacco' incident?" asked Neva Kee pointedly.

"You introduce one cash crop and suddenly everybody wants you dead," said Zoda frustrated. "Some people just can't handle free enterprise."

"Yes, that's exactly why they wanted us dead," said Neva Kee dryly. "Oy Pah Nagoya!"

"So when do we make some money?" asked Zoda excitedly as he rubbed his hands together before taking some soup.

"In a month," answered Neva Kee as soup was spewed all over him.

"A month?!?!" shouted Zoda. "I want to leave now!"

"We've only been here a day!" shouted Neva Kee. "It takes time to grow crops."

"This sucks!" shouted Zoda.

"You already said that!" responded Neva. Treadwell rolled past the entryway of the dining hall and came to a stop at the head of the table.

"Let's sell Treadwell!" said Zoda ecstatically. Treadwell backed up shocked and then revved its motor upset.

"We're not selling Treadwell," responded Neva. "Because I do not own him. Treadwell is a hired hand."

"Neva you're getting scammed," responded Zoda.

"Probably," responded the diplomat. "But if you must know, we will hire ourselves for odd jobs that…suit your unique talents."

"Alright!" said Zoda excited. Neva Kee just shook his head knowing he'd regret this later, but he was a diplomat first and foremost and farming alone would never get them off of this planet anytime soon.

"And conveniently here's our first case," said Neva Kee pulling out a dossier.

"When did you get that?" asked Zoda confused.

"When you decided to leap off of Old Faithful thinking you could fly," answered Neva shaking his head in shame.

"Hmmm, don't remember that hallucination but oh well," said Zoda shrugging. "So what've we got? It'd better not be a bodyguard mission."

"Oh don't worry," Neva Kee assured him. "I learned my lesson with that princess and I don't intend to repeat.

"Ha, ha she sure was attached to you," laughed Zoda. "Anyway, spill."

"DOA," said Neva Kee looking through his files.

"Um, Neva I'm usually the one making them DOA, not picking them up after they already are," commented Zoda.

"They've just got their acronyms wrong, it means 'Discuss on Arrival' I guess," said Neva Kee confused.

"Or else they want us DOA," Zoda suggested.

"Yeah it's possible," said Neva Kee getting up. "Let's find out shall we?"

"Rock on," said Zoda with an evil grin as he cracked his knuckles. "Clean up the place and don't burn it down while we're gone Treadwell."

The two left leaving Treadwell alone with the dishes on the table and having no arms, he revved his motors in anger.

Jabba's Palace: "Well this has to be a joke," said Neva Kee looking again at the address on the dossier they had received.

"Maybe Jabba just wants to give us a warm welcome to the neighborhood," suggested Zoda lightly. Neva knocked on the door and the gatekeeper droid jumped out of its socket on the door.

"De chuuta hhat yudd?" the droid questioned. Before Neva Kee could respond, Zoda's lightsaber ignited and he chopped the droid in half.

"You know it's what Jabba would've expected," answered the Jedi in his defense. As if in response to that, the massive door groaned open allowing them entrance.

"Curiouser and curiouser," commented Neva Kee as the two walked in and the door shut behind them.

"Who gave you this dossier?" Zoda inquired.

"Messenger droid," answered the diplomat. "Came streaking through the sky, knocked you off your perch, and hit the ground right in front of me."

"Well if Jabba sent it, shouldn't it have exploded shortly after?" asked Zoda.

"It _did_ explode," answered the diplomat. "Right after you hugged it and took it for a ride like it was an airboard."

"Don't remember that either," commented Zoda. "Man those mushrooms have a better memory suppressor than I thought. That's a product feature if I ever heard one."

Before the two could continue a pair of Gamorrean Guards blocked their path as a Twi'lek appeared.

"Die wanna wanga?" it asked. Zoda reached for his lightsaber again when Neva Kee hit him hard on the shoulder causing him to relent.

"Neva Kee and Zoda," said the diplomat. He held up the invite and the Twi'lek looked it over.

"Does this guy have a name?" Zoda whispered to Neva.

"Guess not," responded Neva Kee. "Such is the curse of the bit player."

The Twi'lek motioned for them to follow them and the two followed in stunned silence.

"Things must be bad if Jabba isn't using the Gamorreans on us," said Zoda.

"This should be a fun encounter," Neva Kee agreed. The two walked down several darkened hallways before emerging into the audience chamber to find it completely deserted aside from the infamous Hutt himself and his guards.

"Gee Jabba you loose some weight?" asked Zoda laughing. The Hutt grumbled something but otherwise said nothing.

"And what happened here, you have a rave that went horribly wrong for the guests but horribly right for the Rancor?" asked Neva Kee slightly chuckling. Jabba became steamed at this.

"I would expect such talk out of him," said Jabba in Huttese pointing to Zoda. "But not from you diplomat."

"Jabba let's be clear you don't like us and we don't like you," responded Neva Kee exasperated. "So let's just get this over with; what the hell do you want?"

"I want my sail barge back!" shouted Jabba furious. Neva Kee and Zoda blinked at that.

"What?" they said bewildered.

"I was traveling back from Mos Eisley in my sail barge when it broke down and I went on ahead to my Palace and when my lackeys went back to retrieve my barge, it was gone," responded the Hutt. "I want it back."

"Jabba we're a diplomat and a Jedi Knight, not AAA!" shouted Neva Kee.

"You get my barge back or else!" shouted Jabba.

"Well at the risk of sounding clichéd; or else what?" asked Zoda. An image popped up of their moisture farm with Jabba's goons all over it.

"Or I destroy your farm and your droid," Jabba threatened. Treadwell was seen racing away from several bounty hunters.

"Hell I'll do it _if_ you destroy Treadwell," said Zoda offhand before Neva Kee smacked him hard on the shoulder. "But not the farm, though. That's my only way off this rock and if it gets destroyed then I'll be angry and you won't like me when I'm angry!"

"I don't even like you now!" said Jabba. "Now go find my barge!"

Outside: The door opened long enough for Neva Kee and Zoda to be chucked outside before it closed again.

"Jerks," said Zoda getting up. He and Neva got back into their landspeeder and took off back the way they had come.

"Well this sucks too," said the Jedi after a few moments of driving. Neva just rolled his eyes.

"I'm just surprised that Jabba is even willing to let us even look at his new sail barge after you drove the last one into the Sarlacc," commented the diplomat.

"I said I might be able drive it, I never said I could drive stick," responded the Jedi crossing his arms.

"Plus I wonder why he wants it back so badly to send us after it," Neva Kee probed further.

"Must not be insured," responded Grand Master Z.

"Or maybe it is...," commented Captain N, deep in thought. "Anyway, let's just go and find it."

"Agreed," said Zoda as he drummed his fingers on the dash.

Mos Eisley: "Look hover tracks!" said Zoda pointing to a sand dune. There was nothing there, repulsorlifts don't leave tracks.

"Brilliant deduction Holmes!" said Neva Kee heavy with sarcasm.

"I'm the best there ever was, the best there ever will be!" shouted Zoda triumphantly as he did a victory dance.

"How the hell do you loose a sail barge?" demanded Neva Kee of nobody in particular.

"Well somehow he did so let's go find it," said Zoda producing a pair of golf clubs and some golf balls.

"What're you planning on doing with those?" asked Neva Kee confused.

"Relieve some stress," answered the Jedi. He produced a tee and whacked one off into the distance before it crashed into an invisible object. A moment later that object revealed itself _as_ the sail barge.

"Terrific," said Neva Kee nonplussed as the two advanced towards it.

"Well I feel my stress relieved already," said Zoda with a big grin on his face.

"Jabba you idiot," said Neva Kee as the two began climbing up the side of the barge towards the deck up top.

"Well Neva," said Zoda hopping to the deck. "A job well done."

"No, it's not over yet we have to get this thing to Jabba," said Neva Kee. "And that's where the fun begins."

Trial: "And what fun it was," said Neva Kee shaking his head. "What fun it was. Because Jabba did want the insurance money on that barge, one way or another."


	3. Witness Stand

A/N: Where or if this occurs in relation to Galactic Golfing Chronicles is beyond me. But neither golfing nor this story take place with the Wrath of Zoda duology seeing as those were deliberately AU and these are more or less in continuity with the films.

Mos Eisley: Civilians ran into terror as Jabba's sail barge came crashing through a roadway that was much too small for its size.

"Zoda!" shouted Neva Kee from the front of the barge. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Driving," said Zoda offhand as he steered the barge from the back down another small street, scraping buildings on both sides and plowing up speeders and everything else unlucky enough to get in the way of the thing's gigantic bow. Behind them, small fires raged and the few hydrants that actually existed where sending water into the sky as buildings crumbled to the ground.

"You realize they'll have your head for this," Neva Kee commented. Zoda shrugged.

"It's not my barge," he said. "Jabba should've known better than to let us find it for him, he deserves whatever he gets."

"Yeah about that," began Neva as the barge ran through a building being constructed and escaped into the open desert as laser blasts tore up the air behind them. The barge continued on its course towards the Dune Sea as Zoda put the thing on autopilot and headed up to the front of the gigantic flying bathtub.

"About what?" asked Zoda nonchalantly as he popped in a stick of gum and began chewing on it.

"I've got a hunch that Jabba didn't loose his guests any more than he 'lost' this barge," commented the diplomat bitterly.

"Obviously," said Zoda blowing a raspberry. "Why do you think I drove this barge through the city? If he's getting the barge back, it ain't gonna be intact."

"But that's the point," Neva pointed out. "We have to bring it back intact. Jabba's likely insured this thing and if it gets destroyed while we're driving it, the insurance company will make him rich at our expense."

Zoda thought about that and slumped his head onto the railing defeated.

"This…," he began.

"Sucks, I know. Better make sure all the guns are working," said Neva Kee heading off. "We're about to re-enact _The Road Warrior_ sooner or later."

"Terrific," said Zoda before he brightened up that and began rubbing hands together. "Excellent."

Trial: "Oh I can see where this is going," said IG-24 knowingly and not liking it one bit.

"Why isn't Jabba here?" asked Zoda confused. "If anybody would want us to fry, it'd be him."

"When the process server we sent to give him a summons arrived, Jabba fed him to the rancor," explained the Judge.

"Oh," said Zoda deep in thought at that. "We're not going to have to pay for him are we? Those droids can get pricey."

"After that stunt you pulled on Balmorra?" said IG-24 incredulously. "Forget it!"

Zoda began laughing at that. "Oh man, I forgot about that. Process server parts went everywhere!"

"Oh, don't remind me," said Neva Kee as he held his head in his hands as if trying to forget some bad memory.

"Can we just get back to the story at hand," asked the Judge. The Balmorra incident had nearly caused the entire judicial system to fall apart when the supply of robotic process servers had come to a dead halt when their primary production facility mysteriously exploded and he didn't want to remember those days either.

"Okay," said Neva Kee. "Where were we…?"

Jabba's Palace: "You understand what is required of you?" demanded the Hutt. The various scum of Tatooine nodded their heads. They were in the middle of Jabba's dais chamber that was now teeming with guests.

"And if any of this is tied to me, you'd be better off throwing yourself down the nearest black hole than deal with me," said Jabba with a menacing glance. The mercenaries nodded nervously and quickly filed out the door. Jabba steepled his hands in front of his face deep in thought before turning to his Twi'lek assistant.

"Summon my ship," he ordered.

Dune Sea: The sail barge continued moving across the desert as Zoda was down below working on the engines.

"You realize that what you're doing will in all likelihood lead to disaster," Neva Kee pointed out, watching him work.

"Probably," Zoda admitted. "But if I don't it'll likely be the same possibility."

"True," Neva agreed as a device he had in his pocket beeped that he retrieved and looked at. "Incoming."

Zoda looked at what he had done before making one final adjustment with a hydrospanner and getting up.

"Let's roll Gyrocaptain," said Zoda heading for the stairs to the main deck.

"Right with you Max," responded the diplomat as he followed suit. The two emerged onto the deck and saw dozens of mercenary hovervehicles covering the desert on a parallel course to them.

"In the future…," began Zoda before Neva Kee held up a hand to silence him.

"Just shut up right now," he warned. "Do you want us to get sued? Free and fair usage can only go so far you know."

"citieswillbecomedeserts,roadswillbecomebattlefields,andthehopeofmankindwillappearasastranger," said Zoda quickly before displaying a huge grin.

"Hello lawsuit," said Neva Kee rolling his eyes.

"Man, forget that stupid thing," said Zoda as he ignited his lightsabers. "Let's rock!"

Laser blasts tore up the air around them as he said that and both dropped to the deck.

"Now what?" said Neva Kee as he covered his head from the sparks raining down on them from blasts hitting the sails above them. Zoda did some number crunching in his head.

"Vaya Con Dios!" he concluded standing up. Neva Kee got up as well.

"Oh no you don't, you get back here!" shouted the diplomat not wanting to be left alone on a barge that would soon be swarming full of mercenaries. But Zoda was gone as with a burst of speed he leapt off the railing and went hurtling off before landing on a Chariot LAV. As he stood on the roof, the doors to the Chariot opened and the riders were thrown out by an invisible force before the doors closed again. The giant hovercraft then became nothing more than a simple hoverboard to the Jedi Knight, as Zoda continued to ride the thing on the roof and drove it up a rock and performed a corkscrew maneuver in the air before he came crashing back down to the ground.

"Yee-haw!" said Zoda triumphantly as used the shifting of his weight to determine which direction the craft moved as it zoomed along next to the sail barge before slamming into nearby swoops throwing the riders from their perch before he went slaloming in front of the sail barge.

"Zoda you-!" began Neva Kee from the front when laser fire caused him to abandon that rant. The diplomat ran to a laser cannon located on the outer railing and aimed at a nearby XP-27 before firing. But nothing happened.

"Terrific," he grumbled as he checked the charge and found it to be dead along with every other gun on the deck.

"What now Enkidu?" asked Zoda over their headsets.

"Blasters are dead," said the Xamster as he flipped on the charging devices on each of them.

"Figures," said Zoda rolling his eyes before he leaned heavily to the left and the front end of the LAV dipped down as the engines died and the barge blasted past it along with several mercenaries on their vehicles before the Jedi leaned back to the right and the vehicle started up again as more lasers tore up the air, some of which the Jedi deflected by igniting his two dueling sabers.

"I'm going to try the rear deck cannon," said the diplomat as he hurried to the back while the nearest mercenary craft pulled up alongside the barge and their occupants began climbing up the sides of the craft.

"Better hurry, you've got company coming," observed the Jedi.

"Terrific," said Neva as he brought the cannon to bear on the mercenaries at the rear. "Fire one!"

The cannon fired, but the blast went flying out at Zoda. Acting quickly the Jedi hunched down and then stood straight back up as the hovercraft hopped with him and avoided the blast that blew out a large chunk of sand and rock into the air behind him.

"Neva what the hell are you doing?" demanded Zoda as he leaned hard forward and the craft jerked off to the right and smashed into a V-35, flipping it onto its side as Zoda then ducked and weaved to avoid various blaster shots.

"Sorry, the sight is off!" complained the diplomat before noticing mercenaries arriving on the deck. "Oops, duty calls!"

"Good luck," said Zoda unconvinced as a certain speeder caught his eye. Leaning hard to his right, the front end of the craft leapt upwards in an equivalent of a wheelie as it rushed forward in a burst of speed.

Up ahead, Slick Clyde, human, of the mercenary group The Coyotes was directing the action of his fellow actors.

"Alright, units 7 and 8 will begin to focus your attacks on the engine compartment," said Slick to his aide, Toadie, a creature of unknown origin.

"Yes sir," said Toadie as his long tongue briefly came out before going back in as he wrote down the notes onto his piece of flimsiplast before his eyes fell on something just beyond his master's view.

"Sir?" said Toadie. Slick looked at him confused.

"Yes, what is it?" he demanded, a bit busy at the moment.

"Someone to see you sir," said Toadie before he seemed to almost become smaller as if from fear. Slick looked at him oddly before turning around to see Zoda standing there next to him on top of the Chariot LAV.

"Why howdy there Slick," said Zoda in a rough imitation of an earthly western drawl.

"Hello Zoda," Slick grumbled, already beginning to feel a headache coming on.

"Whatcha up to?" asked Zoda innocently before the LAV briefly moved away from him, crashing into yet another Swoop, throwing the rider from it.

"The usual, you?" asked Slick picking up his binoculars and looking through them at the laser fire crossing the deck of the sail barge as a little blue blur was seen moving around the top.

"The usual," Slick confirmed. "Though I will admit to not realizing it was you two who were piloting that thing."

Zoda nodded. "Jabba never was one for the details."

"So how about returning my LAV?" asked Slick. Zoda thought about this.

"How about giving up your attempts to destroy the barge?" the Jedi shot back.

"You know I can't do that," said Slick shaking his head. "But…you could always join us."

"Ain't gonna happen," said Zoda shooting him down. Slick nodded amicably before yanking out a gun and aiming it directly as Zoda's head.

"Fare thee well," said Slick before immediately squeezing down on the trigger.

Several miles ahead of them: A convoy of hovercraft moved slowly across the desert consisting of numerous heavily armored escort vehicles and one limo hovercar.

"So as you can see Mr. Supreme Chancellor, Tatooine has become much more peaceful than during your predecessor's visit," said the Galactic Republic's official watchman of Tatooine, Kandor Ito, an Aqualish. Though Tatooine had never been an official member of the Republic, there had been sufficient demand over the years to bring it into the fold and create a provisional ruling council by both those who had been raised on Tatooine and had gone on to greater fame and fortune and those who just wanted the crime emanating from that world to stop. But regulations has to be followed and so the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic, one human male Kantoris Idis, was there to determine if Tatooine met those qualifications or not. So far the tour had not undergone any major snags, though Kantoris was fully aware that Kandor was likely the reason for that as he wouldn't want anything to happen that would force him to stay on Tatooine any longer than necessary and so they had only seen the 'good' parts of Tatooine.

"Ooh daddy, fireworks!" said his young daughter Aeryl facing the back of the seat and looking out the rear window. Kantoris didn't even bother turning to face her.

"That's just a mirage sweetie," he said reassuring her. But what his daughter was seeing wasn't a mirage but laser fire as several darkened objects began to slowly take ship amongst the blistering heat.

War Zone: "Toadie no!" said Slick humiliated as his lackey had swallowed his gun before he had a chance to fire it.

"Sorry master," Toadie apologized ashamed. Slick gave up on his attempts to retrieve the gun in disgust.

"You're not getting that any time soon barring IPECAC," said Zoda with a big grin as he still coasted alongside Slick's craft.

"What were you thinking?" demanded Slick. Toadie looked at him bewildered.

"I don't know; my tongue acted as if it had a mind of its own!" responded the humanoid toad. Slick whirled angrily at Zoda who merely gave a mocking salute and drifted off away from him as laser fire once again ripped through the air. But before he could get completely away, a massive shadow fell over them. Looking up, Zoda and Slick looked at the object casting the shadow in shock.

"Oh no," they both said.

Up on the barge, Neva Kee was having his own problems as he continued firing stunbolts as more and more mercenaries poured over the edges of the craft.

"Zee, I could really use your help," said the blue skinned red eyed Xamster as he grabbed a hold of the chain of a mace that had crashed next to him and with strength that belied his size he yanked the wielder off of their feet by tugging hard on the chain.

"I would but something's come up," said his companion cryptically. Neva took a brief glance out the back to see the mercenaries in their hovercrafts coasting along peacefully above the ground.

"I can see that," said Neva Kee upset. Even at that distance he could still make out Zoda's scowl before he merely pointed up. Neva Kee looked at him confused before dodging several mercenary attacks and running to the back. He grabbed a hold of the railing and leaned out to see up past the massive sails before his eyes, and those of the mercenaries pursuing him, fell on the object in question.

"Oh no," they all said in unison. Flying high above the ground in a set holding pattern was Jabba's massive Space Yacht.

Trial: "Are you two just magnets for disaster?" asked the Judge incredulously.

"Pretty much," admitted the diplomat. "Hard to believe we actually went a little over 24 hours before things first fell apart. It has to be a record for us to go that long without something blowing up."

"I would ask the Judge to refrain from asking leading questions," said IG-24 pointedly. The Judge nodded before jumping as a flash filtered in through the window as a lightning bolt flashed by outside accompanied with a roar of thunder.

"So my question to you would be when did you realize that the Supreme Chancellor was on your path of destruction?" asked IG-24.

"Shortly after the Yacht appeared," answered Neva Kee. "But not before Jabba decided to actually _involve_ himself in the events."

Jabba's Yacht: The Hutt was in his private chambers looking at a viewscreen showing the mass of vehicles below swarming around his barge with glee before reaching for a joystick on his right as the image switched to a view just above the barrel of the massive cannon on the barge. Pushing the joystick, the barrel slowly aimed itself at the back of Neva Kee's head.

Barge: Neva Kee stiffened as he heard the barrel moving towards him. The mercenaries around him bolted as the barrel pressed up against the back of his head and several moments passed in silence before Neva Kee dropped to the ground as a lightsaber hurtled through the air right where he had been. The gun fired as the lightsaber deflected the blasts and then fell to the deck smoking hot. Neva Kee wrapped a piece of cloth around it and launched the lightsaber back the way it had come as he nodded his head in deference to his savior as the Chariot LAV zoomed off hard to the left. The diplomat then ran off as the cannon fired again and Neva Kee began darting amongst the mercenaries as they tried to fire on him while avoiding their own attacks and the cannon that was swiveling around to again aim at the diplomat. The group on the deck was so busy that they didn't even notice the hovercraft convoy looming ever larger ahead of them.

Convoy: "Ooh daddy, a flying boat!" said Aeryl looking out the back as the barge tore through the haze of desert followed by several smaller vehicles on all sides and then followed by Jabba's Yacht.

"That's nice dear," said Kantoris not even turning to look at her. "So Kandor, how much longer is it to this 'Tosche' station?"

"Soon sir, soon," promised Kandor anxious to get out of the heat that was overwhelming the hovercraft's air conditioning unit. But as he finished saying this, the rear armored robotic vehicles behind them began firing on the approaching vehicles.

"What the-?" began Kantoris staring out the back at the rapidly approaching barge that was beginning to nearly encompass the window as lasers blasts continued to permeate the air.

"Accelerate to full speed!" shouted Kandor as the droid driving the limo accelerated forward and tried to put some distance between the two.

"Wow, this is fun!" said Aeryl excited for once since the trip had started.

Barge: There were so many lasers flying through the air that the extra firepower from the Chancellor's convoy didn't seem to attract anyone's attention. Neva Kee kept using his stun bolts to take down mercenaries as the cannon fired again ripping a hole in the top front sail. The diplomat breathed a sigh of relief before an explosion rocked the ship from the back as a chunk of it was torn loose.

"Zathura what's going on back there!" shouted Neva Kee as he narrowly missed an axe that came down right in front of him.

"Sorry Enkidu," Zoda apologized. "But my hands are full and they somehow managed to bring a moving a turbolaser to the battle."

"So what am I supposed to do, get barbecued?" demanded the diplomat. Zoda thought about that.

"Of course not!" said Zoda. "We've already gone over our reasons for not going cannibalistic on each other, remember? You're not fat enough to make a good meal!"

Neva Kee's head dropped at that as the cannon blast rocketed right over him.

"Did I ever mention how you're my hero?" said Neva Kee dryly as he rolled his eyes before rolling away from several mercs.

"All the time," said Zoda with a big grin though Neva couldn't see it as he moved closer to the hovercraft with the turbolaser on top of it as the laser cannons on Jabba's yacht began aiming at him.

"So what do I do?" inquired the diplomat as he turned his back to the front of the barge and the hover convoy trying to escape from him.

"Speed is just a question of money, how fast do you want to go?" came the simplistic response. Neva's eyes widened at that.

"Oh no; not without you here!" said the diplomat shaking his head vigorously. "I'm not going to suffer alone on account of your meddling."

"Just do it!" Zoda barked before he noticed the cannons on the Yacht aiming at him. "Umm…gotta go."

The LAV began jinking and juking all over the place as the laser cannons from the Yacht tore up the ground trying to track Zoda's movements. Up on the barge, Neva Kee wrestled his way to the steering column.

"Alright boys listen up," said the diplomat as the mercenaries all aimed their guns at him.

"What?" they demanded as each reached for their trigger. Neva Kee's hand hovered over a makeshift red button with a piece of tape underneath it reading: 'You know you want to' in Zoda's chicken scratch writing.

"Better buckle up!" shouted the diplomat as he hit the button and the engines underneath glowed bright blue as the craft shot forward at speeds far beyond it's normal capabilities. Neva Kee held on for dear life as mercenaries were thrown past him and over the edge as others clung to the railing desperate to avoid getting blown over. Unfortunately, the speed was faster than the fleeing hoverlimo and the barge rocketed straight at it even faster than before.

Hoverlimo: "Oh sithspit!" shouted Kantoris beside himself as the two armored hovervehicles were scooped up by the sides of the prow on the front of the barge and flipped over as it quickly moved in on the limo.

"Daddy!" said Aeryl shocked. As Kandor just looked speechless at the looming shape of the barge and knew that the closer it got was the equivalent of the lengthening of time he'd be spending on this retched planet.

"If only that stupid droid driver wasn't locked onto this course we wouldn't be in this mess," he grumbled to himself. That statement caused a light to click on in Kantoris's mind.

"All stop!" he shouted to Kandor's shock.

"Sir?" inquired the robotic driver echoing Kandor's feelings.

"That's an order!" shouted Kantoris as the robotic cabbie slammed on the brakes as Kantoris strapped his daughter into her chair. The front end of the limo bit down onto the ground as the rear lifted up enough to cause the vehicle to be scooped up by the prow and go straight up the front of the craft headed towards the deck.

Deck: Neva Kee stood there covered in blood and sweat as he held his blasters at the ready. By now the intertial dampers on the deck had caught up with the speed of the craft and everyone could walk safely without fear of falling off.

"Alright boys, I am a diplomat," said the negotiator. "Now we all know this isn't going anywhere anytime soon so how about we all talk about this!"

The sounds of blasters being equipped with new charge packs put an end to that notion as Neva Kee shook his head.

"Your loss," he said ready to go at it again when a shadow covered him. Looking up in terror, the diplomat bolted along with the rest of the nearby mercenaries as the hoverlimo roared up into the air before it came crashing down onto the deck. Everyone looked at it even more confused that before.

"This day just keeps getting stranger," said the diplomat scratching his head. The door opened and one of the occupants emerged.

"Neva Kee?" said the Supreme Chancellor shocked as the Xamster's jaw dropped.

Behind them: "Hey who is it?" asked Zoda as the blue fire in the engines of the distant sail barge died down and it returned to a more normal speed as the forward vehicles of the Chancellor's convoy flipped off the sides of the bow and exploded once they hit the ground.

"It's…the Supreme Chancellor," said Neva Kee stunned.

"Really?" said Zoda as he was still avoiding laser fire while making his way closer and closer to the turbolaser craft.

"That'd better not be who I think it is," came the muffled voice of the Supreme Chancellor.

"Alright he remembers me!" said Zoda triumphantly as he avoided a blast from the moving turbolaser. "See Neva, it's like they always say, 'The normal make a living, the deranged make history'."

"You can tell him that he is still on my list after that incident at the Galactic Ball!" shouted the Chancellor. "Why do you still put up with that menace? No, don't answer that I don't want to know!"

"Chancellor it's not safe for you here!" came the diplomat's response.

THOOM

"Oh gee there's a shock," came the angry response. "You've just destroyed my only form of transportation."

"Hey Zoda what's going on?" asked Slick confused after having hacked into their radio frequency.

"I guess the Supreme Chancellor decided to join the party," the Jedi said offhand.

"What?!?!" came Slick's response.

"Just the messenger," commented Zoda.

"A valuable hostage," commented Jabba also having hacked into their line. "Here?"

"Oh Jabba even you know better than to kidnap the Supreme Chancellor," said Zoda dismissively.

"True," admitted the Hutt. "But that doesn't mean we can't…'chat'."

The Space Yacht moved off as Zoda leapt into the air and landed on the turbolaser equipped hovercraft, lightsabers extended as his Chariot LAV continued on its path above the ground.

"Y'all might want to abandon ship," the Jedi suggested in an Earthly southern drawl. The mercenaries onboard look at each other and hurtled over the side onto the sands below. Zoda then leapt into the driver's seat and slammed down on the accelerator.

"NK you've got Hutt incoming," the Jedi advised as he maneuvered past the wreckage of the Chancellor's limo that had been blown off the barge by the deck cannon.

"Oh great," said Neva Kee on the other end having not been paying attention to the line while dealing with the Supreme Chancellor. "You get here now!"

"Excuse me?" said the Supreme Chancellor taken aback.

"No not you, Zoda!" Neva Kee snapped before instantly covering his mouth with his hands over that outburst.

"You're not bringing that madman here!" shouted Kandor, both he and the Supreme Chancellor were more concerned about that than Neva Kee being rude to them.

"So what're you going to do Slick?" inquired the Jedi as in the distance he could see the Mercenary Leader's hovercraft still chasing after the barge.

"My job," the Coyote Leader grumbled as his speeder kicked up to high gear and roared ahead. Zoda nodded approvingly before spearing the engine of the craft he was riding with his lightsaber before leaping free and riding the ensuing shockwave back onto the roof of his Chariot LAV and kicked it into high gear as the vehicle blasted off after the crafts.

Barge: Neva Kee stood there with both his guns trying to defend the new arrivals, which was hard to put up a convincing front when he was shorter than Kantoris's daughter and easily half the height of the adults.

"Orders sir," said the diplomat nervously.

"Alright listen up," said the Supreme Chancellor stepping forward. "I know you all are likely guilty of crimes that would make a prisoner on Oovo IV blush. But I don't care what you've done or what you will do. I offer you the freedom to do whatever you choose to do because I will give a lifetime pardon to whomever kills Zoda!"

"What?!?!" shouted the diplomat shocked. "You can't sanction an assassination!"

"This isn't an assassination, it's a mercy killing!" declared the Chancellor.

"Mercy for who?" demanded Neva Kee.

"Me!" said Kantoris pointing to himself. "And a whole lot more people, but mainly me!"

Trial: "That's heresy!" shouted IG-24 as half the crowd nearly went into an uproar over Neva Kee's claim.

"It's true!" shouted the Xamster.

"Aah!" shouted Zoda as he ducked his head as a knife lodged itself in the wall right above him.

"It's not valid anymore, it was a one time deal!" shouted Neva Kee at the crowd as Zobba pointed repeatedly at the person who had thrown the knife.

"You realize that without anyone to collaborate on this, it has to be stricken from the record," said the Judge twirling the gavel in his hands. Zoda removed a piece of paper and handed it to Neva Kee who slapped it on the bench in front of the judge.

"Exhibit A," said the diplomat showing the order in question. The Judge looked it over with his reading glasses and dropped the thing on his desk in a stupor. IG-24 picked it up and read it too before sharing a glance with the Judge who nodded as the droid tore the paper to shreds.

"The charges of heresy are dropped," said the Judge. "But there will be no more talk of this nonsense in my courtroom."

Barge: The Supreme Chancellor finished signing the final official decree of pardoning for anyone who killed Zoda as a loud whine was heard as the Chariot LAV could be seen racing up the left side of the barge before hooking it's right laser cannon onto the edge of the railing as it now hung on the side of the barge as a grappling gun embedded itself on the other side of the barge and soon Slick Clyde, Toadie, and Zoda were on the deck as Jabba's Yacht lowered itself to the same level as Jabba slithered his way across the front onto the back of the barge.

"The plot thickens," said Zoda to Neva Kee as the diplomat moved to join him.

"Like you wouldn't believe," said the diplomat knowingly. "Kantoris just signed your death warrant."

"Again?" asked Zoda lightly as he held his two hilts at the ready but had yet to extend the blades.

"Ah Supreme Chancellor, I was not made aware of your visit," said Jabba humbly. "If I had I would have prepared a reception in your honor."

"Oh can it," said the Chancellor. "Let's just get his over with!"

All sides raced at each other as Neva Kee collecting Aeryl and taking her into the bottom of the barge with Kandor in pursuit also anxious to avoid the fight as laser blasts and lightsaber swings flew everywhere.

Trial: "So to make a long story short, it rained on Tatooine the end," said Zoda abruptly. "Can we go now?"

"No!" shouted IG-24. "Now you tell us what _really_ happened next!"

"Ay carumba," said Zoda holding his head in shame. "Fine…"

Jabba's Palace: The Twi'lek from earlier was finishing the repairs to the greeter droid and stood there admiring his work.

"De massy massy ma fu masta," said the Twi'lek with a smile. The droid looked around before its eye bugged out and it immediately vanished back into the door. The Twil'lek looked confused at this before turning around, screaming, and desperately pushing the open door button as the Sail Barge was seen flying down the road leading toward the Palace followed by Jabba's spaceship.

"Zoda you're going to need to hit the brakes," said Neva Kee as he was down in the hold with Aeryl and Kandor looking over the sensor readings that indicated the Palace was getting closer and closer.

"Okay," said Zoda up on the deck as he was hanging on the shoulder of one of the mercenaries and punching away before leaping away as that mercenary was tackled by his fellow Coyotes who had been trying to capture the Jedi.

"Where's the anchor?" asked Grand Master Z.

"Well it's…wait, what?" said Captain N bewildered.

"This is a barge so it should have an anchor," the Jedi reasoned.

"It's a hovercraft not a boat!" shouted Neva Kee. "Just hit the airbrakes, there is no anchor!"

"Well…we're screwed," declared Zoda as he avoided a blast from the Supreme Chancellor. "I had to get rid of the brakes to make room for the engine modifications."

"WHAT?!?!" shouted Jabba as the action on the deck halted as everyone took in this bit of information.

"It's the law of equivalent exchange, to gain something you must give something else up in return," said Zoda.

"You got that off of the TV!" Neva Kee accused as he collected Aeryl and brought her to the deck with Kandor in pursuit.

"Yeah," said Zoda lightly as the Palace hurtled right at them.

"So what do we do now?" asked Jabba as everyone on the deck clustered around him.

"Well in the words of the immortal General Grievous," began Zoda quoting the future cyborg general. "'Time to abandon ship!' Cough, cough, wheeze."

The entire barge broke out into panic as mercenaries swarmed for the sides anxious to catch a ride off of the barge turned missile. Jabba was headed for his ship in the rear when Neva Kee appeared in front of him holding a sheet of paper attached to a clipboard.

"Package delivery is confirmed," was all he said as he gave it to Jabba and bolted off. Neva Kee entered into the Chariot LAV with the Supreme Chancellor and his group as the hovercraft unhooked itself from the barge and disappeared from sight. Jabba looked at the sheet and the chaos on the deck as in a daze when he saw Zoda at the front of the barge. The Jedi saluted him with his lightsaber.

"Always a please J," said Zoda with a grin before flying off the front of the barge. Jabba's expression turned to anger as he shredded the entire clipboard to pieces before seeing the Palace bearing down on him.

"Oh Huttslime," he said. Up ahead Zoda landed on their original speeder and threw it in reverse backing away from the barge as the Twi'lek from earlier raced through the now open doorway as the barge crashed through it tearing off the sails. The Twi'lek continued running, now joined by various Gamorrean Guards as chunks of the barge were ripped off as it scraped along the tunnel. The Twi'lek and Gamorreans rushed into the convocation chamber where it was full of guests luxuriating themselves on all that the Hutt had to offer. They looked at the group confused when a loud rumbling noise was heard and everyone began to panic as the Twi'lek ran off with the Sail Barge crashing through the wall that bordered the chamber before coming to an abrupt halt was Jabba was flung from the ship and came crashing down onto his dais breathing heavily from panic.

"Now that's how a Hutt enters," was all he could come up with before collapsing unconscious.

Mos Eisley Spaceport: The Chariot LAV and Speeder were parked outside the Emperor's Spaceship.

"Well Supreme Chancellor I hope this won't turn you off to the wonders of Tatooine," said Neva Kee nervously as he scratched the back of his head.

"Wonders, yeah right," said Zoda dismissively. The Supreme Chancellor just stood there glaring at Zoda.

"You are banned from going to Coruscant ever again!" he stated pointing at the Jedi.

"I'm already banned from going to Coruscant after the incident at the state ball!" Zoda reminded him. Neva Kee and the Chancellor both considered this before Neva held his head in shame and the Chancellor briefly considered tearing his own hair out.

"Diplomat," the Chancellor decided, nodding his head before heading up the ramp. Aeryl watched him go before turning to face the two aliens.

"Bye Uncle Neva, bye Uncle Zoda, it was fun as always seeing daddy get so mad," she said with an evil grin before hugging both and heading up the ramp. The ramp closed and the ship blasted off as Kandor stood there glaring at them.

"I'm going to get you for this Zoda," he declared before storming off. Neva Kee and Zoda watched him storm off before Zoda turned to the diplomat.

"This is Sithspit, why is everything always my fault to these people?" he asked.

"Because it usually is," said the diplomat. "Now come on, let's go rebuild what's left of our farm."

Zoda nodded before producing the earlier document from the Supreme Chancellor. "I think I'll hang this next to all the others when we finally get back to your ship."

"Another day another death warrant?" surmised Neva. Zoda nodded as the two headed for their vehicles.

"So what now?" asked Zoda finally as they leaned against their respective vehicles.

"Go back, pick up the pieces of the farm, try and live a normal life," reasoned Neva Kee. "What do you say to that?"

"Depends, what's 'normal'?" asked Zoda bemused.

"Good question," Neva Kee agreed. "Let's roll."

The two got in their vehicles and headed off across the desert back to their farm.

Trial: "So what do you have to say about all of that?" asked IG-24 genuinely curious.

"All in a day's work?" said Zoda hopeful. IG-24 smashed the front of their both with that statement.

"Zoda!" shouted Neva Kee.


	4. Testimony

A/N: I realize this story is likely too ridiculous for words, but hey at least it's original.

Tatooine: Neva Kee and Zoda used ropes to hoist up a fallen vaporator that had fallen when Jabba's goons had wrecked the place, even after they'd delivered the barge safely to the Palace.

"Why can't I just use the Force?" Zoda complained as he continued tugging on a rope. "We'd be done by now if I had."

"Because we are merely two ordinary moisture farmers, not a psychotic Jedi and an esteemed diplomat," said Neva Kee also tugging on his own rope next to him.

"Bah," said Zoda waving a free hand and nearly getting yanked back by the rope. "Everyone who we might want to hide who we really are already knows we're here anyway."

"Once again our reputations have landed us in hot water," Neva Kee grumbled as the vaporator finally reached its full height.

"Well we could always journey through the fourth dimension again," Zoda suggested wistfully.

"For the last time I'm not taking you to when Ossus was destroyed just so you can fight Exar Kun," said Neva Kee rolling his eyes.

"No I meant we could stay here on Tatooine in the future when we'll have plenty of water to make a fortune and then pester Obi-Wan," said Zoda slicking the sweat on his forehead through his relatively few hairs atop his bald head.

"Zoda that's very mature of you," said Neva Kee impressed. Zoda looked at him confused.

"What?" he asked. Neva Kee shrugged lightly.

"Well for once you didn't say we should go bother Yoda," said Neva Kee before he began laughing to himself. Zoda growled as he rubbed his hand down his face annoyed.

"If I could actually find proof that he'd ever been on this planet I would exploit the opportunity!" Zoda swore as the two reached a watercooler sitting inexplicably in the middle of their farm.

"Which is a secret I'm sure he'll take to the grave," the diplomat pointed out as he took a funnel shaped paper cup and poured some water into it. Zoda followed suit and took a sip before both spit out the water.

"Well experiment one is an abysmal failure," said Neva Kee taking the clipboard off of the side of the watercooler, taking out a pen, and making a mark on it.

"I say just jack up the amount of that coolant you put in there," Zoda decided. Neva Kee shook his head.

"Anything in excess is bad for you," the diplomat quipped. Zoda buzzed his lips at him.

"How?" he demanded before he sneezed and two icicles shot out his nostrils.

"Whoa," said Zoda impressed as he snapped both of them off and twirled them around in his hands before assuming an attack posture. Neva Kee hastily jotted this turn of events down on the clipboard.

"Now you sneeze and we'll have a duel," said Zoda. The Xamster nearly gagged after hearing that.

"How about, no," Neva Kee said hanging the clipboard back on the cooler and headed for the homestead.

"Why not?" said Zoda disappointed. Neva Kee wondered whether or not to respond to that.

"You know very well why," the diplomat decided on, his ever reliable reply to that question.

"That's not my fault, you never said any thing about-," began the Jedi protesting.

"I didn't say anything because you said you'd read the manual I gave you earlier," Neva Kee shot back as the two walked down the steps to the underground courtyard.

"And I told you, that particular page was missing," Zoda continued. The two entered into the eating area and Neva Kee produced a chemistry set and began adding various chemicals to the various test tubes.

"I'll bet it was," the diplomat grumbled as he twisted a knob and a Bunsen burner activated heating up one of the tubes. Treadwell came to a halt at the end of the table and looked at the two quizzically. Zoda looked at him before looking at Neva.

"I thought you said it was a bad idea to mess with the laws of nature," said Zoda voicing his and Treadwell's concerns.

"No, it's a bad idea when _you_ mess with nature," said Neva Kee. "But that's ultimately not what I'm doing here anyway."

"Could've fooled me," said Zoda as he twirled one of his icicles in his hand aimlessly. Neva Kee didn't respond to that but just remained deeply engrossed in his experiment as he performed more tests in silence.

"I'm bored!" shouted the Jedi finally.

"Then go find something to do but leave your lightsabers here," said Neva Kee not caring. Zoda was steamed at this but just got up, slammed his two dueling sabers on the table, and was headed out the door when Treadwell whirred its motor.

"Fine you can come too," said Zoda relenting. Treadwell rolled after him and the two left the Homestead headed for the outside. The diplomat watched them go before resuming his attention on his work. Up above, Zoda and Treadwell made their way towards the Chariot LAV, but Treadwell's treads briefly jolted and he hit the watercooler knocking the entire kit and caboodle into the open trunk of the LAV. Zoda was underneath the craft checking for womp rats before he popped back up and looked at the droid annoyed.

"If you want to ride in the trunk be my guest," he said waving inside but not looking into the trunk itself. Treadwell just shook its head and rolled off to the passenger seat as Zoda used the Force to close the trunk, still not knowing of the contents now inside it. He then hopped into the driver's seat as Treadwell rolled into position and both doors closed as the Jedi slammed on the gas and the craft took off into the distance.

Trial: "Now you swear you had no foreknowledge of that cooler being in your trunk?" stated IG-24.

"Absolutely," said Zoda nodding his head. IG-24 paced as he heard this.

"You understand if I am reluctant to take you at your word for this, or your explanation of the events," IG-24 felt the need to point out.

"Well we could ask Treadwell," Captain N surmised. Zoda shot up in his chair at that statement.

"Don't ask him, his mouth stings with the pain of a thousand white hot lies!" Zoda protested. Neva Kee smacked his head at that statement as he wondered if they should've been tried separately before letting the thought go.

"At any rate, he's back at the farm so he's indisposed to give a sworn statement," Enkidu chimed in while not remarking that Treadwell couldn't speak at all.

"Then I guess the witness will just have to continue with their story," said the Judge also feeling helpless. Zoda sat back down and continued his story.

Tosche Station: The Chariot LAV came to a halt outside the station as various others individuals moved about the supply depot. The two got out and headed for the entrance before Zoda stopped and faced Treadwell.

"If you break anything, I _will_ shut you down and abandon you in the middle of the desert," Zoda warned. Treadwell backed up slightly before nodding and following him. The two entered into the shop and Zoda began browsing through the various pieces of merchandise aligning the shelves as Treadwell rumbled around other aisles looking at what they had. Picking up little odds and ends, he leapt up onto a stool and dumped them onto the counter.

"I have a tab," said Zoda to the cashier. The person looked at them doubtful before producing a thick bound book and opening it.

"Name?" the cashier asked doubtful.

"Neva Kee," responded Zoda not missing a beat. The cashier looked through the book. Sure enough, the diplomat's name was in there and the cashier whistled at the tab, which read that anything they wanted was free.

"So you're Neva Kee?" asked the cashier ringing up the items.

"No I'm actually the little green menace," explained Zoda. The cashier looked at a small subscript underneath Neva Kee's dependents that gave that description and a warning that the cashier should consider him a walking natural disaster.

"Okay," said the cashier hurriedly ringing up the sale before asking the obligatory. "Anything else for you today?"

"Yeah…I have an item that I dropped off here for repair and it should be done by now," said Zoda amicably. The cashier ran through the computer records but came up blank.

"I'm sorry sir but it's not showing in our database," explained the cashier.

"Well how far back do your records go?" asked Zoda trying to be helpful.

"Awhile," said the cashier a little bit defensive at being told how to do their job.

"I'm willing to bet that I dropped this item off a little more than 'awhile' ago," the Jedi continued. "Do you still have the ol' big book of stuff around here?"

"Yeah but…that thing's ancient," said the cashier. "We keep it in a display case as a reminder of the old times."

"Well I _know_ it's in there," Zoda insisted. "I saw it being written down at the time."

"If this is a joke…," the cashier warned.

"No joke," the Jedi swore. The cashier eyed him doubtfully before calling the manager over.

"Sir, this person claims that they have an item that we were repairing that isn't in our computer records but _is_ in the old ledger," said the cashier bewildered. The manager looked doubtful at the whole situation before something clicked in his head regarding Zoda's appearance.

"No…," said the manager in disbelief. He ran over to the ledger book that was open to a random page and hurriedly unlocked and opened the glass case and threw the book over to the cover as dust settled everywhere. On the cover was an embroidered Tosche Station logo and below it an extremely faded photo of the original team that had worked at the station and below all the humans and aliens, almost impossible to make out, were two short aliens, one completely blue and the other completely green.

"Holy sithspit," said the cashier as their jaw dropped.

"You think that's something, wait'll you see this," said the manager as he flipped the book open to page one and there at the top was a nearly vanished entry reading: 'Little Green Menace' and the item he was having repaired.

"You've finally come for it after all of these years?" said the manager utterly confused.

"I've been busy," said Zoda shrugging. "Now do you have it or not?"

"Yeah we have it alright," said the manager quickly moving to the back as Zoda followed. The cashier wanted to see what it was so badly that they looked around for a replacement.

"You!" said the cashier pointing at Treadwell who had rolled behind the counter to follow Zoda. The droid looked at the cashier confused but could not speak to defend itself.

"Man the register," said the cashier assuming that the droid was a store worker. Treadwell rolled to the register, looked at it bewildered, and then up at the line beginning to form in despair because as Zoda was so apt to point out, it didn't have arms.

Farm: Neva Kee stepped outside for some fresh air as he drank his usual coffee even though it was blistering hot outside. As he did, he noticed that the watercooler was missing. This caused him to narrow his eyes as he knew that Zoda wouldn't have taken it without leaving a note taunting him to stop his plans. It was when he saw the treads leading to the cooler that he realized what must have happened. Shrugging, he wandered out amongst the vaporators before noticing several blurs race across the desert. Taking out his macrobinoculars he saw a herd of banthas capped by Tusken Raiders. Putting down the binoculars he held his thumb up to the lowest sun, Tatoo 2, and then moved it across the horizon at the point where the Tuskens were heading.

"_Tosche Station_," thought the diplomat apprehensively before he pulled out a large radio and held it to his head.

"Z? Z?" he asked into it. But there was no response.

"Terrific," said Neva Kee debating what to do.

Tosche Station: Deep inside a steel vault, where radio signals could not penetrate, Zoda, the manager, and the cashier sat looking at a lone dust covered box in the center of the vault.

"Is that it?" said the cashier disappointed. Zoda nodded happily as he ran to the thing.

"Oh baby how I've missed you!" he said hugging the thing before coughing heavily on the dust.

"What is it?" asked the manager as he hovered over the box. Zoda blew on it revealing a black box with a speaker embedded in the side with several knobs on top.

"It's my amp!" said Zoda still hugging the thing tightly.

"What happened to it?" asked the manager not entirely clear as to what an 'amp' was. But the speaker was identifiable enough.

"I got a little overzealous at the opening night concert we had for this place and blew the thing. So Mr. Tosche said he'd fix it," explained Zoda as he grabbed the straps on the other end and threw them over his shoulders as he began carrying the thing like a backpack.

"So why have Mr. Tosche fix it, why not buy a new one?" asked the cashier as they exited the vault.

"It's because this is no ordinary amp," said Zoda appalled at their suggestion. "It goes up to 11."

Silence filled the room at that.

"What?" asked the cashier finally.

"Well just about every other amp goes to 10," explained Zoda. "So what happens if you want to go louder? You can't. Hence 11."

The cashier and the manager both considered this.

"Why don't you just make ten louder, and make ten be the top... number, and make that a little louder?" asked the cashier.

"You'll never understand," said Zoda shaking his head slightly as he entered into the main area. "10 will never be louder than 11. It's a scientific impossibility."

"It makes sense to me," said the manager frankly, agreeing with Zoda. Zoda nodded approvingly and they approached the counter as in the shopping area the throng of angry customers were chasing the beleaguered Treadwell up and down the aisles.

"Was there anything else you needed?" asked the cashier trying to figure out how they were going to explain this to their friends. Zoda nodded.

"You see that mantelpiece up there covered in canvas paper?" asked Zoda. "That's mine too. I left it here for safekeeping."

The manager looked up at the wrapped object hanging high above and grabbed a hook to remove it.

"Careful it's one in a million," said Zoda anxious to get it back. The manager carefully lowered the object to the table and Zoda picked it up as he stood on the stool and took the strap on it and threw it over his neck.

"What is it?" asked the cashier in slight awe. Zoda grabbed the piece of string holding the canvas paper onto the object and pulled on it as the paper fell off.

"She's the stuff dreams are made of, the mouthpiece that transforms thought into substance, she's meanness put to music and the bith was born to play," said Zoda mystically as the object was revealed to be a red embossed electric guitar. "She's my axe."

Through the windows, the herd of banthas became visible as alarms began to blare.

Farm: Neva Kee was hanging onto the top of Old Faithful as he tried to position an antenna to try and better pick up radio transmissions.

"Come on, come on," he said as he twisted the radio length dial. He was getting nothing but static until he picked up the sounds of the alarms resonating from Tosche Station.

"Great," said Neva Kee taking down the antenna and pulling out a remote and driving the landspeeder directly below him at the base of Old Faithful. Judging the jump, he stepped off of the giant vaporator and landed in the craft before slamming on the accelerator as the craft took off.

Tosche Station: Laser blasts and gaffi sticks flew through the air at the building as the remaining customers who had not had time to evacuate were cowering behind whatever they could to avoid being injured or killed.

"Great, first shot at the Sand People and I don't have a weapon!" Zoda complained.

"Then take mine," said the manager brandishing his weapon.

"No thanks," said Zoda shaking his head. "I'm trying to wean myself off of blasters. Generally I like to keep my destruction to a nice limited 100 miles radius."

"So what do you suggest we do, die?" asked the cashier as more laser blasts flew around them before a gaffi stick embedded itself in the overturned table they were using to protect themselves.

"Yikes!" said Zoda cowering even more.

"Some hero you are," said the cashier annoyed. Zoda shot up.

"Fine, you want a hero? Try this!" shouted the Jedi as he plugged his guitar into his powered up amp and speaker and strummed the guitar and was thrown off of his feet as the resulting soundwave threw everything behind him into the far wall.

"What the hell was that?" demanded the manager as he held his ears after that loud blast of music. Zoda stood up and stumbled around in shock from hitting the far wall.

"That…was a riff!" he said triumphantly, bobbing up and down as he shook his head. "You did it Tosche I am impressed. Now I've got my weapon!"

"What kind of a hero are you?" demanded the manager as the others looked at the alien beyond words at the whole situation.

"Oh come on," said Zoda disappointed at them as a few more laser blasts flew around him that he ignored. "You've just heard one guitar that blew _me_ away, I've got stars in my eyes, this one guitar feels good in my hands, and I've got keep on rockin, I'm never going to stop because I'm a…"

No one had any clue what he was talking about.

"I'm a Jukebox Hero!" shouted Zoda. "Do none of you listen to music?"

"What's a jukebox?" inquired one of the patrons confused. Zoda sighed and dropped his head in shame.

"Hopeless!" he said waving them off disgusted before heading for the door.

"Any requests?" he inquired at the last moment.

"Free Bird!" somebody shouted. Zoda's head slumped against the shattered glass door defeated.

"I'm not even going to ask," was all he said as he opened the door.

"Wait one last thing!" shouted the cashier. Zoda turned to face him, his guitar glinting the in the sunlight, making it seem as if it were on fire.

"That wasn't your fabled eleven was it?" said the cashier mockingly. "Because if it was…"

"That was three," answered Zoda with a grin. "You all had better run out of here as quickly as you can because when this baby hits eleven, well let's just say you'll be lucky if any part of this building will be left standing."

The others looked at each other in silence as Zoda left the building and produced his ever trusty pair of sunglasses as he faced the Sand People. The Tuskens all aimed their weapons at him, either atop banthas or not, as Zoda reached behind him and twisted the dial to eleven on his amplifier.

"Gentlemen," said Zoda amicably. "This would probably be the first time I've ever said this in context but… let's rock!"

Zoda threw his right hand up into the air as his pick shown glinted in the air and threw it down as a massive explosion tore through the air throwing a sand shaped mushroom cloud into the air and tearing Tosche Station to pieces as the resulting musical note left a shockwave that went rippling outwards through the air tossing sand people, banthas, and hovercars everywhere as the trunk hatch was ripped open on the Chariot LAV and the watercooler got swept up with the ensuing sandstorm.

Miles Away: Neva Kee saw the sand filled mushroom cloud rise high into the sky with slight apprehension.

"_Now what could that _have_ been_?" the diplomat pondered. He was still wondering when a massive wall of sand materialized rushing straight at him. The diplomat stopped the craft and stood up looking at the wall as he drummed his fingers on the top of the windshield.

"It just doesn't make any…," began Neva Kee when the sensors on the speeder began beeping. Plopping back down the diplomat flipped on the tiny viewscreen on the dash as it began flashing the number 11 multiple times.

"Oh hell," said the diplomat annoyed. "Zoda, not again!"

The sandstorm plowed into the speeder sucking it and the diplomat up along with it.

Bestine: Kandor Ito was just returning home from another day of despair at having to compile yet another report on why Tatooine was suitable for entry into the Galactic Republic while still performing his job as the Republic's only real presence on the planet. It was getting to be a hassle and Neva Kee Zoda's presence on this world wasn't making it any easier. But as he opened the door, the entire area began shaking and he looked up at the sandstorm that was coming pouring over the lip of the crater and straight towards the city below.

"Zoda!!!" shouted Kandor as the soundwave echoed in his ears before the sand hit the city. At the moment it did this, the watercooler ruptured turning the sand to ice and soon the entire city was left as a gigantic frozen ice cube.

Tosche Station: A hand plunged deep into the dirt with a hook attached to it. Then the line began retracting as two objects were pulled from the ground below. Zoda and Treadwell lay side by side when a shadow fell over both and Zoda began coughing up sand.

"Welcome back to the land of the living Cheech," said Neva Kee who was still covered in pieces sand.

"Oh shut up Chong," said Zoda bringing his knees to his chest as he puked more and more sand while still attached to his guitar and amp.

"Well when you eventually get back on your feet I'll need your help digging up the farm again," the diplomat stated as he helped Treadwell to his feet.

"I was so close…," Zoda lamented still lying on the ground.

"To what?" asked Neva Kee, as Treadwell made its way into his battered speeder.

"To hitting a second note at 11," said Zoda slowly getting up. "I know I can do it and I swore I did this time! I know I hit the second note at the beginning of _Fight for your Right_."

"Well thankfully you didn't," said Neva Kee hovering over him. "But here it looks like your cord came loose in the ensuing blast."

Neva Kee plugged the guitar cord back into the amp and headed for the speeder when suddenly the ground started rumbling.

"Zoda!" Neva Kee accused.

"It wasn't me!" the Jedi protested weakly as he was still in severe pain from the amount of sand he had swallowed.

"Then…," began Neva Kee as the speaker began building up to a climax. Neva Kee and Zoda both reached the conclusion at the same time.

"No, this isn't possible!" shouted Neva furious.

"I did hit the second note!" said Zoda triumphantly before he hacked up more sand. The speaker exploded with the second note.

"Oh shi-," began Neva Kee when a second explosion tore through the air launching another mushroom shaped cloud as the trio was battered once again by a wall of sand.

"Zoda!!!" shouted the Xamster but the sound was lost to the howling wind.

Trial: The Judge's jaw dropped at that sequence of events.

"That was you two?!?!" shouted the Judge. Neva Kee shook his head.

"No, that was him entirely!" shouted the diplomat pointing at Zoda.

"You told me to go find something do!" he protested.

"Not that!" responded Captain N. "Did you seriously forget how it was you blew your amp in the first place?"

"Well Tosche said he would fix it so it would never happen again and I had to know if he kept his word," said Zoda innocently. Neva Kee groaned but otherwise said nothing.

"Well it's not like anyone died or was seriously injured besides us!" said Zoda in his defense.

"Just continue prosecutor," said the Judge not wanting to revisit what he had found at his home in Bestine when he had returned from a long vacation.

"Very well," said the officer. "Next…we come to…golf."

"Alright!" said Zoda excited. "My favorite subject. Boy did we have a good time with that game."

Neva Kee's head slumped down.


	5. Examination

Trial: "Golf?" inquired the Judge confused. "What's that?"

"None of your da-," began Zoda.

"It's a game of hitting balls into various holes," said Neva Kee cutting him off and then upon seeing the blank stares of everyone in the courtroom. "…It's better than it sounds, believe me."

The audience was unconvinced, but that's the way things usually were with Neva Kee and Zoda's exploits.

"And is that how the Princess got involved?" stated IG-24. Neva Kee nodded his head as Zoda rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"Yes, though…sometimes I think we just are magnets for bad luck," said the Diplomat frustrated.

"Amen to that!" said Zoda enthusiastically before laughing hysterically.

"Fortunately that will never hold up as a defense in the court of law," IG-24 gloated. Zoda thought about that one for a moment.

"I dunno about that, I seem to recall a case where-," began the Jedi when the assassin droid seized him by the collar.

"I don't know how you managed to convince that jury that karma was a byproduct of the Force but that won't fly here," the droid fumed. "The Supreme Galactic Republic Court ruled that that defense would only work at that trial and nowhere else! So can it!"

Zoda blinked at that and then stared up at the photoreceptors of the droid.

"Funny you should mention 'cans'," began Zathura looking at the droid's metal cylindrical head as the droid's left arm began to squeeze Zoda's neck while the right morphed in a carbine assault blaster.

"Care to ask for that remark to be stricken from the record?" asked the droid darkly.

"Let's r-," began the Jedi when the Judge intervened.

"Put him down, killing the witness and the defendant will get you disbarred," he pointed out. "I think the last thing any of us need right now is a mistrial."

A thunderclap shook the entire building.

"And are we ever going to get around to how _this_ happened?" he asked further pointing to the heavens.

"Eventually," said the diplomat tired as Zoda was dumped back into the seat.

"Please continue with your story," said the Judge as IG-24 stalked back to his seat. Neva Kee sighed.

"Fine," he said readying himself for recalling another series of disasters when he noticed Zoda staring at him.

"What?" demanded the diplomat.

"Did you take more of the seat while I was up in the air?" inquired the Jedi. The diplomat's head dropped into his hands at that statement in defeat.

Farm: Neva was sitting in the basement of the dwelling again working with his chemistry set to keep the water cool even in the face of the overwhelming heat above. Though trafficking in water was an important source of a moisture farmer's income, so too were growing crops to sell at the market. Though he had managed to still cultivate an impressive crop since their time here on Tatooine, it was all done in a greenhouse with artificial lights. It was the diplomat's hope that perma-cooling the water would allow him to grow crops on the surface and expose them to real sunlight from Tatooine's twin suns allow them to perhaps be more organic in nature and better tasting as well.

…Assuming Zoda hadn't spiked the crops. The diplomat doubted that he had, because Zoda never broke a promise, but he was known to bend the rules on occasion.

"FOREIGN SUBSTANCE DETECTED!"

"Aah!" shouted the diplomat startled as his chemistry set went flying everywhere. The automated warning device continued with its alert as the diplomat tore off up the stairs. Sabotage was a major concern on Moisture Farms as it was also a cutthroat business at times, but the diplomat had hoped his farm would've been small enough to escape notice.

"_Apparently no one likes competition of any sort_," thought the diplomat pulling out his Mateba Model 6 Unicas. "_But why wasn't Zoda able to take care of them?_"

The diplomat burst out into the blinding sun and did a quick duck and roll before aiming his guns out into the desert as his vision adjusted to the light.

"Oh no…," he said.

"Neba, hep!" shouted Zoda. His tongue was frozen to the cooling rods and was now chained to Treadwell who was revving at full speed to try and pry them loose. The revolvers fell loosely on Neva Kee's trigger fingers and he abruptly turned around and walked back into the hut.

Much Later: The diplomat was sitting outside on the ground trying to calm his inner self as the wind slowly blew across the desert sands.

"My name is Neva Kee and I am a diplomat," he began repeating calmly as part of his calming ritual. "My name is Neva Kee and I am a diplomat. My name is Neva Kee and-."

"AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!" a voice shouted, cutting through the calming aura. Neva Kee annoyingly lifted his right eyelid and saw Zoda race in from out of the horizon, race straight across the farm, and then vanish off into the distance. An instant later Treadwell appeared and followed suit and silence once more permeated the air.

"Those two," Neva Kee grumbled. He then closed his eyes and breathed in and out to try and make the tension ease out of him.

"I am-," began the diplomat again.

RUMBLE, RUMBLE, RUMBLE, RUMBLE

The ground began shaking heavily and various poles began crashing down as both the diplomat's eyes shot open.

"Oh sith," he said. A stampede of wild banthas was bearing down on the farm and the diplomat didn't need a rocket scientist to figure out what had spooked them.

"Zoda you son of a b-," began the diplomat as the banthas crashed into the farm throwing sand, dirt, and debris everywhere.

Twelve headaches later: The diplomat was about at the end of his rope as his experiments were still failing aside from that ice storm wasn't something worth recalling. Zoda for his part had caused disaster after disaster, but the diplomat knew he couldn't blame him. The Jedi was getting stir crazy and so was the diplomat. Being domestic and sticking in one place wasn't exactly either of their style. Though they solved many problems for others, they often caused as many as well. That was why they were constantly on the move. That and both had a yearning to explore the universe at large.

That was why on one of their adventures they had stumbled through a black hole and wound up on a faraway planet called Earth. It was a strange planet to be sure, but they had managed to gleam one useful thing on their travels there. A game. A game that had no equivalent on the SW galaxy and a game that had for some reason caught their attention in a way few things had. And so they had brought it with them back to this place and time. No one else in the galaxy really understood it but that suited the two just fine. They were trailblazers and intentionally did things no one else did. It helped them stand out to themselves in a galaxy full of more individuals than anyone could possibly know about.

They had been forced by others to cease playing the game, but here on this planet that was the farthest point from a bright center in the universe, it was about to begin again.

Surface: Zoda was racing Treadwell around the farm when he heard a distinct sound of air being cut through with a long metal shaft. The Jedi hopped off of the droid and stood there in silence before jerking out his right hand as a metal club slapped into it. The green creature held his clenched fist in front of his face and looked at the club before closing his eyes as if the turmoil in him was quelled and inner peace settled in. And then his eyes shot open and he began twirling the club in a complex series of twists, twirls, jabs, and more before giving a Jedi salute with it and then holding it out away from him. Turning around, he walked towards the blue creature and together the two stood side by side looking off at the twin binary suns setting. Without a word, the green one transferred the club to his left hand and held out his right as the blue alien slapped a white dimpled ball into it. The green one began rolling the ball in his hand as if getting a feel for it before stopping and dropping both his arms. The two continued looking serenely at the two stars as if deeply contemplating some inner turmoil.

"Second star to the right and off until morning," said the blue one as both leaned over and placed their dimpled balls on the ground and then stepped next to them.

"And then?" asked the green one curious. The blue one shrugged nonchalantly not looking at the green one.

"Keep going,"

Two clubs pulled back and two balls were blasted into the stratosphere.

Space: Laser blasts tore up the area around Tatooine as a spaceship ripped through the area trying to avoid the attacks of several Firespray-Class attack craft. The vessel carried a lone female occupant who was cut and bruised from the various broken and destroyed panels inside the cockpit. The vessel was barely holding together but the other craft were trying to make sure it didn't. The woman looked around desperately for a means of escape from her predicament and began pressing random buttons. Finally one combination seemed to produce the desired effect and an EMP erupted from the back of the craft disabling the others.

"Ha, ha!" shouted the woman triumphantly.

The engines gave out.

"Oh no," she said as the ship plunged into the atmosphere.

Planet: "Oh no!" said Zoda in agony. The golf ball was arcing off in the distance to the right.

"Ha, ha, nice slice Zee!" said Neva Kee triumphantly as he made a mark in the scorecard. He was sitting in the driver seat of their golf cart lazily sipping a fruit juice.

"Lousy atmospherics," the Jedi grumbled as he headed back to the cart and put his club back into his bag.

"What atmospherics?" said Neva doubtful. An explosion reverberated across the air as a spaceship on fire streaked across the sky and crashed in the distance throwing up sand.

"_That_ atmospherics," the Jedi gloated smugly. Neva Kee looked at the smoke rising in the distance.

"I still think it's because you used the seven-wood instead of that five like I suggested," said the diplomat starting up the cart and pressing the accelerator.

"Maybe," said Zoda. "But you'll never be able to prove it."

The golf cart moved off in the direction of the wreck.

"What're you-," began the Jedi suspiciously as he looked at the driver.

"We might as well because-," admitted the driver.

"If you say it's our civic duty I'll kill you," promised the passenger crossing his arms to emphasize the point. The driver looked at the passenger bemused.

"I was going to say because that's where your ball landed and well let's face it it'll take you at least another stroke to get back to where I was," said the driver. "But I guess civic duty is more embarrassing."

Silence.

"I hate you,"

"Just trying to help out,"

Crashed Ship: The woman's vision cleared and she found herself in the midst of her destroyed cockpit.

"Oh thank goodness," she said. The woman unbuckled her safety harness and stumbled her way across the way towards the airlock. Sparks and instruments fell all around her but she fought her way out and made it into the blistering hot sun.

"I'm alive," she said gratefully.

…And then a white dimpled ball came hurtling in from above and struck her on the head knocking her out unconscious.

Later: The woman's vision began to slowly clear and voices began to permeate her murky haze.

"Terrific," said a voice clearly displeased. "Now what am I supposed to do?"

"_I_?" inquired the other voice surprised at the singular use.

"Yeah," the other said clearly displeased. "I'm going to have to be really careful with my next swing."

"Oh for-you get a drop!" said the other incredulous at the statement the previous had made.

"Not according to _Happy Gilmore_," said the first in rebuttal.

"Ummm," said the second clearly at a loss now. "Well I'm stumped. My moral sense tells me you shouldn't swing but my sportsman sense says you should."

"So what should I do you're the moral compass here," said the first. The other's silence clearly meant he was contemplating it. The woman knew she had to get up soon or these men were clearly out to kill her.

"Oh hell just swing before she wakes up," said the second quickly, apparently having noticed her movements.

"Roger that," said the first. The sound of an object whizzing through the air was heard and the woman's eyes jerked open and she forced herself to roll away as a dimpled ball rolled off of her head and onto the sand before she came to a halt on her side as the ball landed right in front of her eyes and a metal object arced through the air and then it was gone, with the metal wedge just barely missing the bridge of her nose.

"And away she goes," said the long-eared alien holding the metal club. The woman quickly scrambled to her feet and lightheaded though she was, she still took out her blaster rifles and aiming it at the two short aliens.

"To the contrary, I'm still here," she stated darkly. The two aliens looked at her and then at each other.

"I wasn't referring to you genius," said the one with the club resting over his shoulder. "C'mon Neva she's fine and I just teed off so let's roll."

The diplomat looked her over and nodded. "Goodbye miss."

The two started to leave when the woman blocked their path.

"I am Delta, Princess of Chrona," she began.

"Oh," said the long-eared one. "Please to meet you Delta, I'm Alpha and this is Omega."

"That joke only works on Earth Zoda!" shouted the blue alien.

"But if you tell it enough times…," said the other cheekily as the other groaned.

"I don't care what your names are I'm commandeering your ve…hicle…," said the Princess finally eyeing the two's method of transportation, their golf cart.

"I'd really recommend walking," said the long eared one being completely honest. "But she goes up to five miles an hour and that ain't bad. Later."

The Princess tightened her grip on the triggers. "You two aren't going anywhere."

The green one leaned forward as if to share a secret even though he was only as tall as her kneecap at best.

"I think we are," he assured her. The Princess was unmoved.

"You're unarmed," she stated bluntly. The long eared alien crossed his arms in front of him. Without a word, two curved hilts shot into his hands from out his sleeves and then two lightsaber blades emerged from them.

"Let's r-," began the being with a self-assured grin on their face when the blue alien stepped in between them.

"Not here not now," he stated to the green one.

"But, but-," the other tried to protest in vain.

"I said no," said the blue one. The other wasn't happy about it but the lightsaber blades retracted into their hilts.

"Fine," the green one relented before walking off to the cart. Delta watched him go before returning her attention to the blue alien.

"You mind putting those away?" he asked pointedly. Delta looked at her blasters before holstering them.

"Sorry," she apologized as an afterthought. She didn't like being submissive but this creature didn't seem like the one whom many could dominate.

"Understandable," said the alien holding up his hand. "Are you hurt, do you require medical attention?"

The Princess was surprised at that, everything she'd read about Tatooine led her to belief it was full of uncaring and uncompassionate individuals.

"No I'm fine, thank you," said the woman shivering despite herself at the desolate landscape she now found herself in.

"Good," said the blue one before looking at her ship. "Judging from those scorch marks I'd say you should probably get moving. Whoever was chasing after you probably survived crashing as well and they'll be making their way here soon. The nearest town is Anchorhead which is about a three day walk north of here so you might want to get going."

The golf cart roared to life.

"C'mon Neva, the day's not getting any shorter," said the other impatient. The blue alien nodded and then looked at the woman and tipped his head at her.

"Where are you two headed?" the woman asked.

"East towards Mos Eisley. We'll probably have a stopover there when we reach it in twelve days or so and then continue on," said the creature getting into the cart. "At any rate, it's a fairly safe walk to Anchorhead and there you can catch a ride back to Chrona. Say hi to your father for me, it's been awhile since I've seen him."

Zoda chuckled evilly to himself. "Yeah and tell him…on second thought just tell him Zoda says hello as well."

The woman eyed them curiously as the cart started off and then did some internal calculations in her head.

"Wait!" she called out to the departing cart. It came to a halt and the two aliens looked at her curious.

"What?" they both asked in unison. The woman smiled.

"I want to hire you to get me safely to Mos Eisley," she stated. The two aliens shot a glance at each other before once more looking at her.

"You know who we are?" the blue one asked. The woman nodded.

"Yeah," she acknowledged.

"You know what our fee is?"

"Yeah,"

"You know you'll regret this later?"

"Yeah,"

"Let's go,"

The woman grabbed her suitcase and hopped onto the back of the cart as it rolled off away from the crash.

"You sure this is a good idea?" Zoda whispered to Neva. The blue diplomat shrugged.

"Why not, it's not like her father can get any madder at us," he figured.

Trial: "Are you positive that's how it happened?" asked the Judge doubtful despite himself.

"Pretty much yeah," said Neva Kee nodding his head. "Though if we knew now back then we'd have told her to take a hike. But hindsight is 20/20 and we did need some cash."

"Cash?" inquired the Judge confused as to what that word meant.

"Credits," Zoda amended as he was counting United States Treasury issued dollar bills while Neva told the story.

"Right, well do we need to know about your previous encounter with the King of Chrona to provide some background to this incident?" asked the Judge.

"Sorry, the records were sealed by the King and we were sworn to secrecy. So ordered the six planet courts of Chrona," responded the diplomat in sympathy. The Judge narrowed his eyes at that.

"I thought there were five planet courts of Chrona," he asked. Neva Kee blinked and then looked at the judge with a serene look on his face.

"Of course there are, my mistake. Because you can't have a planetary court without a planet to be on," he said calmly. The Judge's eyes bugged out at that one as the diplomat turned to face the observers.

"To continue…,"

Desert, Day 1: Neva Kee was looking through his rangefinder in the distance over a mountain of dunes and then walked over to his bag hanging of the back and pulled out a club.

"You're wasting my time," Delta stated upset at not being taken to Mos Eisley that much sooner. She also wasn't fond of having to face the back and only see their two golf bags. The diplomat began lining up his putt.

"We said you'd get there safely in around twelve days and that'll be how it is," he said. "We do have a life outside of you."

The diplomat swung and the ball rocketed off into the distance. Neva smiled at that and was putting his club away when he saw Zoda kicking stuff around at the bottom of the dune. He looked up at Neva Kee expectantly as the blue alien groaned.

"Out with it!" he yelled. Zoda held up a small metallic ring.

"Look sir, droids!" he shouted gleefully. Neva Kee's head dropped onto the back of the golf cart in defeat as he pounded it in frustration.

"Oh just shut up and get back up here!" he yelled as the Jedi ran up the side of the dune. But half way up he tripped and began sliding back. Unfortunately the dune wasn't very stable either and the entire side began to slide with him. Up above the right side of the golf cart began to dig into the ground and then tip.

"Oy Pah Nagoya!" shouted Neva as the cart crashed onto its side and went down with the dune vanishing from sight.

Day 2: Delta was angrily picking sand out of her hair as the cart continued on its way towards Mos Eisley. Up front Zoda was sharpening a club with a grinder as Neva Kee drove the vehicle. The Jedi finally finished and wiped a piece of cloth across it before presenting the head to Neva.

"How's that?" he asked curious. The diplomat looked at the head and nodded.

"Looks good to me," he agreed before briefly whipping it through the air to hear the slice. "Very good."

"I hate both of you," came Delta's response from the backseat. Zoda chuckled at that.

"Guess you are your father's child," he quipped. "As I recall he said the same thing to me right before we left Chrona."

"Yeah well I guess he was right," was the retort. "I don't know what you two exactly did back home but daddy used to tell me nightmare stories about the things you two supposedly did on Chrona. I don't know which were true and which were lies but they all sounded bad."

"Then they were probably all true," said Neva Kee turning the wheel. "But all that really matters are that your father and Chrona had a problem, we solved it, and nobody got hurt or lost their life in the process. End of story."

"Yes but…," began Delta in response. Neva Kee whirled to face her as she twisted to look at him.

"But nothing. Diplomacy had failed and that's why we settled on the solution that we did," responded the diplomat as Zoda cracked his knuckles. "Détente. And Chrona is now much safer because of it."

The diplomat faced the front again.

"So when everyone hates you the galaxy will have peace?" asked Delta doubtful once more facing the back. Neva nodded even though she couldn't really see him.

"That's the plan," he admitted. "Though it's actually to get everyone to hate Zee over here and pity myself for being wrapped up in it all."

Zoda laughed at that despite himself.

"And you're happy with this?" Delta accused. The Jedi shrugged as he turned around and leaned next to her to put the club back in its bag.

"They'd hate me regardless at least this way it's for a productive end," he responded before sitting back in his seat. Delta turned somber at that.

"I know how that is," she said softly. The two up front figured it wasn't their place to ask what that meant and so they didn't.

"Zoda?" asked Neva looking off into the distance.

"Yeah?" asked the Jedi listlessly from the current mood. The diplomat gave an evil grin.

"Surf's up!" he stated. A broad grin spread over the Jedi's face as his dueling sabers extended outwards.

"Rock on," he said lightly nodding his head in approval. And then laser blasts ripped up the area around the cart along with missiles that rained down from the sky. Smoke, sand, and debris obscured the area around the cart and then the green Jedi ripped free from it rocketing outwards at the group of Mandalorian bounty hunters peppering the sky.

"C'mon you old ladies you want to live forever?" he shouted as the battle joined in midair.

Trial: "Wow," said the Judge impressed. "I'm surprised someone would intentionally attack Mandalorians. Why would you do that?"

"Service guarantees citizenship," was the only response the Jedi could come up with as if this should be blatantly obvious. Neva Kee's eyes rolled at that but he let the comment slide.

"But I'm still a little hazy on how an overturned Sandcrawler would up in the middle of Mos Eisley," the Judge continued, brushing off the little Jedi's bizarre comment. "Or how _The Legend_ got involved in all of this."

Neva Kee chuckled at that. "Well _The Legend_ just hates us, as for the Sandcrawler that's its…well to make an unfortunate pun, that's its own can of sand worms."

Silence.

"But…you don't have to take _my_ word for it," Zoda chimed in.

"Oh real original,"

"Shut up!"


	6. Explanations

Tatooine, Day 8: A lone Sandcrawler made its way across the Jundland Wastes towards parts unknown to sell it's even more unknown wares. Inside the bridge of the old ore hauler, various Jawas ran around manning the various consoles and devices that had been jury-rigged countless times over. It was a normal day for them, it was always a normal day when you were a Jawa as one day tended to bleed over to the next. They didn't like surprises, which was why they rolled around in a gigantic heavily armored near impenetrable vehicle. Safe, secure, and sound, that was the Jawa's motto.

A motto which was subsequently broken when Zoda came crashing through the front windows of the Crawler riding a surfboard with rocket engines attached to it. A pair of Mandalorians came flying in as well and opened fire as Jawas scattered everywhere. But true to the Jedi Code, the plucky green one protected them all until they made their escape before coming to a halt on his board and twirling his lightsabers into a defensive position. The Jedi was bloody and caked with sand but he was still eager for a fight. Down below and far away, a lone golf cart made its way across the dunes. It was pockmarked with various blaster scorches but still mobile. The Sandcrawler with its smoking bridge could be seen but it was not the destination of the cart, its destination was a nearby dimpled ball.

The diplomat hopped out of the cart and walked up to it before pulling out his rangefinder and looking out into the distance with it. As he walked back to his bag and was choosing his club, an explosion ripped out a chunk of the right side of the sandcrawler where in the now exposed yet still heavily smoky section twin light blades could be seen deflecting laser bolts and other objects. The diplomat sorted through his clubs as the wreckage of the sandcrawler began raining down around him before choosing his appropriate club and was about to tee off when a speck caught his attention. Pulling out his rangefinder Neva Kee noticed a Mandalorian flying through the air and bringing his wrist rockets to aim at the still hidden Jedi.

Calmly walking back to the cart, the diplomat picked out a mini-golf putter and walked to the edge of the dune the cart was parked on before placing a red golf ball on the ground and once more taking a look through his rangefinder.

"What're you doing?" demanded Delta. The diplomat turned to face her.

"You ever hear of pool?" he asked curious. Delta nodded her head to the diplomat's surprise.

"Yeah it's a body of water that people swim in," she responded. The diplomat rolled his eyes but it's not like she would understand it even if he did explain what he was referring to.

"Yeah that's it exactly," the diplomat agreed before steeling himself for the bad terminology he was about to misuse. "Anyway you're about to see an eight ball hit the corner pocket."

"What?" said Delta bewildered. The diplomat clocked the ball and it rocketed off only to hit the far off Mandalorian and cause him to crash into the sand next to the crawler.

"Got 'im," was all the diplomat said as he let the club slide so he was now holding the wedge.

"Wow," said Delta clearly impressed. That was quite a drive for such a small alien.

"I've been working out," the diplomat figured flexing his pencil thin arms before putting the putter back in the bag and once more becoming all business. He once more returned to his ball and took a couple of practice swings before planting his club on the ground and then leaned against the grip.

"What are you waiting for?" Delta said in her demanding tone. The diplomat didn't respond, he just thrust his arm straight into the air and then thrust his arm straight out at the sandcrawler before making an arcing motion with his arm through the air.

"What does that-," began Delta annoyed when another explosion rocked the sandcrawler and a fireball arced across the sky with a sound and look akin to a Roman Candle. From out the front of the fireball raced Zoda on his board as behind him, battered yet still living mandalorians fell out of its smoke trail. As soon as it finished the high point of its arc in front of the diplomat and began to crash down, the diplomat blasted the ball and it trailed off into the distance as the fireball crashed into the sand nearby. The twin jets could be seen once more arcing back towards the sandcrawler before suddenly coming straight at the diplomat. From out of the rising sun, Zoda raced straight towards the diplomat with a battle hardened face as his twin lightsabers were held out at both sides in an attack posture.

"Oh my-he's gonna kill you!" shouted Delta as the Jedi drew ever closer unabated. The diplomat swung his club around and held it in a defensive posture.

"He will try," was the diplomat's only reply. The Jedi began picking up more and more speed as a sonic boom reverberated across the land.

"Whu-he can't be going that fast!" protested Delta.

"Oh but he is," responded the diplomat steeling himself for the attack. Delta looked at him like he was crazy and then at the ever closer supersonic Jedi.

"That's not true, that's impossible!" she shouted in vain. The diplomat cracked a smile at that.

"I knew someone else who once said those words but he was wrong as well. But it is the truth," said the diplomat. "Now if you'll excuse me…"

The Jedi was inches away from the diplomat when suddenly the board ripped up in front of him and sand sprayed everywhere. When it settled, Zoda was staring directly at Neva Kee. Delta was so boggled at that turn of events that she passed out from shock.

"**Neva**," said Zoda in a guttural voice.

"Zoda," the diplomat acknowledged tipping his head at him. The two stood there in silence as sand lightly blew past them.

"Guess there's no getting past it then," commented the Jedi about things unknown. The diplomat shook his head.

"Nope, I guess not," he agreed. Silence.

Then Zoda swung.

Trial: "What?!?!?!" shouted the Judge. "You two actually fought each other?!?!"

"Yeah," said Zoda not sure at his meaning. "What's so strange about that?"

The Judge was at a loss and so he managed to mumble out a few random words before throwing his hands up in confusion.

"Because he's still an idiot and nothing can excuse that," said Neva Kee as if that should be blatantly obvious.

"Yeah and he's a pompous arrogant jerk," said Zoda as well before raising his right fist close to his face. "And sometimes he just needs to be shut up."

Jundland Wastes: Neva Kee ducked down as the blade flew over his head before he thrust out his club and yanked the Jedi off of his feet before leaping away.

"Your powers are weak old man," said Neva Kee goading the Jedi as he hopped back and forth awaiting the Jedi's attack. Zoda got back up on his feet and whirled his lightsabers around until they were pointing down and away from him.

"You can't win Neva," the Jedi responded. "Strike me down and I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

"Funny," the diplomat commented wryly as he raised the muscles above his right eye in the approximation of lifting an eyebrow. "I thought I just did."

The Jedi growled at him and then leapt straight at him lightsabers extended like twin tusks. The diplomat shifted the club to his left hand and then stuck his thumb and forefinger into his mouth and whistled loudly. The whistle roused Delta from her sleep and she slowly came to only to see the flying surfboard slam into Zoda's back and rocket him forward towards the diplomat who rolled out of the way as the board continued it's path into a nearby sand dune.

"You killed him!" shouted Delta as the board emerged from the top of the dune and made it's way back to the diplomat.

"Hardly," said Neva as he hopped onto the hood of the cart and reached his hand into the glove compartment as a pair of maps and garbage fell out before he retrieved his sunglasses and put them on.

"Pebble Beach?" asked Delta looking at one of the fallen maps. "Where's that?"

"It's in Monterey," explained the diplomat as a lightsaber blade erupted from the hood directly between the two. Delta screamed as the diplomat once more cocked a non-existent eyebrow at the blade.

"If you'll excuse me," he stated before doing a kickflip off the hood and landed onto the board and it flew into reverse as the ground in front of the cart exploded as Zoda hurtled out of the ground and straight at the diplomat, ripping him off of the board. The two fell to the ground as the board performed a quick arc before plowing into the ground and becoming stuck. Neva Kee meanwhile had Zoda in a headlock as both continued pummeling each other to Delta's dismay.

Elsewhere: Down far below the ground in a massive cave where few could enter but none would leave, was _The Legend_. It was the largest creature that had ever held residence on Tatooine and had lived well beyond the average life for such beings. It had the various battle scars to prove it as every hunter of its kind in the galaxy had come at one point to hunt it. They'd all failed yet still they came. It was so many, that _The Legend_ didn't even bother to distinguish one from the next, assuming it could at all.

But two, two in particular it would never forget. They had entered into its lair, seriously injured it in an attempt to bring it down, and then did the unthinkable and actually managed to escape! The creature vowed revenge on the two interlopers and if they ever returned to Tatooine, there would be Mustafar to pay.

And finally it's time had come. The creature had silently taken note of the various explosion tremors reverberating through the ground from some battle in the distance. This was nothing new to it as battles were constantly raged on the surface of this desert world. But when the distinct impression of an energy blade was heard through the sand that got the _The Legend_'s attention, and then when the hovering board crashed into the ground that cinched it. Neva Kee and Zoda were here, the creature knew it and it kicked up to full speed, making a new hole through its cavern headed straight for the source of the disturbance. Vengeance was soon at hand.

Surface: Neva Kee had wrangled Zoda into a sleeper hold and was just waiting for the Jedi to pass out. But as they were doing so, the ground began rumbling and the two began slowly sinking into the sand.

"What the-," began Neva Kee as he let go of the Jedi and both hopped back as the sinkhole only got larger and larger. The two continued sinking as Delta clung to dear life to the cart as it too started sliding down the ever widening hole. The two aliens looked at the center of the cone with confusion when a roar was heard emanating from the sand. A roar only too familiar to the two of them.

"Oh shi-," they began when the ground suddenly collapsed inward before erupting outward as if in a large convulsion. The two aliens hit the ground and skidded to a halt with their 'swords' at the ready. The cart slammed into the ground and Delta was unceremoniously dumped onto the ground, bruised but otherwise intact.

"What now?" she complained on the verge of tears. This whole trip had been one disaster after the next. In the center between the three, a fountain of sand was erupting high into the sky.

"Usul has called a big one," began Neva Kee oblivious to her.

"Again it is _The Legend_," finished Zoda. The wall of sand dropped and in its place was a gigantic sandworm…a gigantic angry sandworm that roared to the heavens in a gesture of pure rage.

Trial: The Judge shuddered involuntarily as did most of the audience to the proceedings. The Legend was just that, a legend. The biggest sandworm in recorded history, that had likely existed back then too, and the greatest menace Tatooine had ever known, Zoda notwithstanding of course. He was big over 5000 feet long, he was bad, and he was deadly. Yet the worm was like the call of the Sirens, whoever bagged The Legend would be set for life and finally be able to leave Tatooine and retire somewhere tropical and full of water.

"So what did you do?" asked the Judge with a whisper. The two looked at each other.

"It wanted to kill us, what else were we to do?" they both asked helplessly.

Jundland Wastes: "YOU TWO ARE INSANE!!!" shouted Delta as she looked up at the worm writhing around trying to get a bead on the two aliens as Neva Kee used the board to make a circular spiral up the worm's massive body while Zoda used his Force Speed to rocket up the worm's side both lightsabers at the ready. The two had just reached the base of the head when the worm once more returned to the ground determined to shake them off down below. The two promptly did an about face and went the other way as the ground grew over closer as the worm was outpacing them. But right before slamming hard into the ground, the tip of tail came and Zoda slammed his lightsaber near the very end of it and was dragged underground as Neva followed him on the board. The diplomat roared as close to the Jedi as he could before launching a silver sphere at him that he caught.

"Make it count!" he shouted in reference to the thermal detonator. Zoda nodded his head.

"He's going down!" shouted the Jedi in agreement before he vanished from sight as the diplomat roared back the way he had come. He emerged from the ground and headed back to the cart that Delta was unable to start.

"He speared the stupid engine!" she said angrily. Neva Kee popped the hood and noted the hole through the battery.

"Then I'd say we're about to trade up," he stated looking off at the sandcrawler. The diplomat hopped on the board and landed it on the roof and quickly began clamping it to the hood before getting off and pushing Delta from the driver's seat. The diplomat flicked up his sunglasses and once more consulted his rangefinder of the crawler's distance.

"Oh woe is me for never installing seatbelts into this thing," the diplomat lamented.

"Why?" demanded Delta whirling to face him. "What've you got planned? And where the hell is your psychotic little friend?"

The ground abruptly exploded and Zoda came hurtling out and onto the ground covered in blood and guts.

"That answer your question?" asked the diplomat wryly and then to the Jedi. "Well?"

A roar emanated from the hole. The Jedi scrambled to his feet and headed for the cart.

"Does that answer your question?" Zoda asked as he hopped onto the back and the worm emerged from behind the cart and roared angrily at them with a huge chunk taken out of the side of it.

"So what now oh fearless leader?" asked Zoda looking at the worm. Neva Kee did some number calculations in his head before nodding his head and pulling his sunglasses back in front of his eyes.

"Oh lady of blessed acceleration don't fail us now," was all he said.

"Ah crap," said Zoda with realization as the boosters kicked in on the board and the vehicle rocketed forward as the worm came down where it had been. The vehicle picked up more and more speed as Delta screamed louder and louder, her fingers clenched tightly onto the dash while Zoda was holding onto the left rear brace that held up the roof. Neva for his part was holding onto the wheel hoping that his calculations were correct as the opened bridge of the crawler came ever closer. The worm too, but it was either be eaten or squashed as flat as a pancake.

Yet fate as always was kind to them as the roof was wrenched free from stress and it and the board took off into the stratosphere as the cart plunged into the bridge just moments before The Legend crashed into it causing the whole crawler to sway but ultimately remain upright. The worm slammed against the vehicle another time before stopping. It was injured, and it had no desire to eat a mountain of metal just to get at the two. It had waited for untold years for them to return and it could wait a little longer to get what it wanted. They would suffer first. And so it left them in peace.

Trial: "Wow," said the Judge impressed. He wasn't a fan of their actions but they was a certain dramatic flare they tended to possess that made their stories that much more interesting. Assuming they weren't lying about this whole sequence of events. The Jedi tended to embellish things and the diplomat tried to tone down their accomplishments. Yet the mountain of complaints and urban legends about the two tended to lend itself to them telling something at least very close to the truth. That Princess Delta wasn't here also seemed to indicate that she didn't want to recall what had happened.

"All in a day's work," said Zoda leaning back in the chair and whistling. Neva Kee chuckled at that before resuming his story.

Sandcrawler: The battle scarred vessel rolled across the desert headed towards Mos Eisley. On the bridge, Neva Kee was tinkering with the various bridge controls while Zoda sat on the floor in the center of the room working on some device of his own.

"Where'd the Jawas go?" inquired Delta looking around at the vacant space.

"Hiding down below I'd guess," said Neva Kee as a panel finally lit up and he began pushing buttons on it. "They'll either show up little by little or else en masse when we dump this thing at Mos Eisley."

Delta was a little concerned about this. "Does it..."

Neva Kee nodded his head. "Yeah I feel bad for the Jawas but they forgive and forget." Some chattering was heard nearby. "And here they come."

A pair of bright eyes appeared from the darkness as a whirring was also heard and from the darkness emerged two Jawas and a droid.

"Oh for-," began Zoda in agony. "NO!!!!!!!"

"Treadwell?!?!" shouted Neva stunned looking at the droid stunned. "What the hell are you doing here?!?!"

The droid whirred angrily at the two of them apparently relating some story about being captured by the Jawas while the two were gone.

"Why couldn't you have melted him?" pleaded Zoda on the verge of tears before Neva slapped him on the back of the head.

"C'mon I can use you," said the diplomat directing him towards the immobile cart. The droid moved forward glad to be of help while the Jawas bolted. Zoda just shook his head and resumed his work on his device unabated.

"And what're you doing?" inquired Delta at the Jedi's work.

"Trying to figure out where the board went," answered the Jedi. "That thing is my only amusement on this dustball and I intend on finding it."

The Jedi continued tinkering with a hydrospanner as Neva Kee had hooked Treadwell up to the battery of the cart.

"Okay let's see if we've got a charge," said the diplomat as Treadwell began pouring juice into it. "Hey Zoda I need your help I forgot my voltage meter."

The Jedi saw what the two were doing and nodded. He walked up to the battery, licked his fingers, attached it to the negative prong and was instantly electrocuted before collapsing on the ground.

"Wha," said Delta in shock as Neva Kee calmly looked at the battery.

"Nuts," he stated disappointed before noticing Delta's stare. "If the battery was really working he'd have been launched across the room. Unfortunately I can't really determine the extent of the damage and so it'll have to be replaced."

"Hey Neva," said Zoda mischievously. "Help me up."

The diplomat wasn't sure what he was up to but nodded his head and held out his hand and grabbed Zoda's only for the residual energy in Zoda's body to course into him and knock him down.

"Wha-ha, ha, ha," laughed the Jedi pleased with himself. "Victory is mine!"

The diplomat yanked a club from his bag and used it as a type of grounding rod before putting it back.

"Hmmph," said the diplomat noncommittally before turning to face Delta who had taken a seat on the opposite end of the bridge. He then looked at Zoda who nodded in agreement and the two sat up on the console and faced her.

"So is it smooth sailing to Mos Eisley?" asked Delta trying to break the silence. The diplomat shrugged.

"Perhaps," said the diplomat noncommittally. "But I have a question."

"Really?" said Delta a little nervous. "What?"

"Why are Mandalorians after you?" asked the diplomat.

"Because they are," said Delta. "I don't know why."

"I'll bet you don't," said the Jedi with a dark smile. "Because not just anyone can hire a Mandalorian, they have to pay and pay through the roof. So that means that you must have pissed off someone very badly. So who is it?"

"Nobody," said Delta angrily as she curled her legs up to her chest and twisted away from them on the chair. "I don't know who is after me."

"Uh-huh," said the Jedi unconvinced crossing his arms and leaning back against one of the few intact pieces of glass. Delta looked at them accusatorily before the two aliens just shook their heads in shame. So she turned to face the console behind her and hoped that was it.

"So where's daddy?" asked Zoda pointedly as Delta froze in her seat.

"I-I don't know," she responded.

"Terrific," said Zoda disappointed. "Guess that means we aren't getting paid because daddy blew the money hiring Mandalorians to hunt you down."

Delta didn't have a response to that.

"Fu-," began Zoda in frustration as he threw up his hands in frustration.

"CAN IT!" shouted Neva to silence him from further outbursts. "We were headed towards Mos Eisley anyway so it's not that big of a deal. Chances are some other disaster would have befallen us instead."

"Yeah but busting heads without being paid?" said Zoda ecstatic. "That's so…Jedi. Bleh."

"But you are a-," began Delta interceding.

"Don't remind me!" said Zoda peeved. "The only thing I have in common with those screwballs is that I don't kill people."

Delta blinked at that. "Then those Mandalorians…"

"Will be back assuming I haven't scared them off," said Zoda reaching into his jacket and retrieving an apple that he began thoughtfully chewing on. "Which is why we'd better get this bucket up to full speed now."

The two aliens leapt off the console and raced around the room pressing various buttons as the sandcrawler surged forward in a burst of speed.

Nearby: Jabba's Sail Barge made its way slowly across the Jundland Wastes, also headed towards Mos Eisley. The Hutt had decided he needed a vacation away from this hellhole but his ship had been damaged in the firefight with the barge and it was in for repairs. So he was going to Mos Eisley to get a ship off of this rock. But until then, he could just sit lazily starring off into space.

"Oh look a sandcrawler," commented the Hutt wistfully at the distant vehicle before turning to face his crew. "Get to Mos Eisley before that thing or you all die."

The crew burst into action as the Sail Barge too accelerated forward on its path.

Trial: "And the bit about Jabba's barge is relevant to all of this," said IG-24 finally chiming in on the proceedings.

"Undoubtedly," Zoda assured him. "For better…"

"…Or worse," concluded Neva Kee. "Which is more often than not in the case of us."


	7. Explanations Deux

Tatooine: The Sandcrawler hit a small dune and briefly went airborne before landing back on the ground as it continued accelerating faster and faster towards the distant but finally visible Mos Eisley. The Sandcrawler was almost effectively out of control as it swayed dangerously to each side with each small course change to try and avoid the various dunes and rocks on each side of its path.

"Shouldn't we be going slower?" asked Delta a little fearful as she gripped onto the sides of the chair to avoid from falling off as Neva Kee and Zoda continued racing around the bridge while pressing various buttons.

"Tell you what," said Zoda wanting to be amicable. "You pay us, we go slower. Otherwise…"

Delta knew she had no money on her and the aliens knew the same and so she crossed her arms in frustration only to slide out of her seat as the Sandcrawler once more surged forward.

And then an alarm began blaring.

"Oil temperature gauge?" inquired Zoda hopeful. Neva began chuckling at that.

"Yeah that's it exactly," he agreed hysterical.

"Don't be stupid!" shouted Delta making her way to the blinking console. "It's the threat detector!"

The two aliens rolled their eyes at her hysterics.

"I miss Keira," lamented the Jedi as laser blasts erupted all around them.

Jabba's Barge: The Hutt watched with interest as the Firesprays ripped the area around the Crawler to shreds before hammering the top of the Crawler.

"Not shooting to kill yet definitely shooting," said the Hutt perplexed before turning to his crew. "Bring us alongside them!"

The crew was frightened by that request but more terrified if they didn't obey the Hutt's orders and so the Barge accelerated as well while drawing ever nearer to the crawler under siege.

Space: A Royal Cruiser descended towards Tatooine complete with escort.

"Sir, may I please remind you that Tatooine is a self-professed wretched hive of scum and villainy!" protested the senior aide. "Just let the Mandalorians take care of it!"

The King of Chrona, a regal man yet fierce and not one to be crossed looked at the aide sternly.

"I gave them their chance and they have yet to produce results so I am forced to step in to retrieve my wayward child personally," the King stated firmly. Even at this distance, small pinpricks could be seen blossoming headed towards Mos Eisley.

"But if the rumors are true and Zo-," began the aide when the King shot him a stare that chilled him to the bone.

"**You do not talk about him whether in my presence or not**," said the King darkly. A brief sound of laughter was heard as the King turned to face the only civilian in the royal chambers of the ship.

"You have something to say?" asked the King harshly. The woman gave a knowing smirk as she shifted her bag of golf clubs while leaning against the far wall.

"Just because you want to deny his role in all of this doesn't mean the truth will suddenly alter itself to accept that fact," she stated before glancing over at the image of the surface. "And I'm going be there when you learn that."

The King studied her before turning to the screen.

"Your job is to insure that she is intact and that is all. Is that understood?" he stated. The woman sighed before throwing her hands in her pockets, shaking her head in shame, and heading for the exit.

"Rock on," she stated with a knowing grin before exiting the room to the King's chagrin.

Desert: The Sandcrawler was still being hammered as Jabba's sail barge pulled alongside it.

"Whu-oh," said Zoda looking out the window at the vessel. "I wonder what the implications of this are."

"Find out would you?" asked Neva Kee as he concentrated on driving the vehicle as a laser blast disintegrated part of the ceiling.

"Right," said the Jedi as he steeled himself for the coming jump. He was just about to go when Delta once more interfered.

"You can't provoke Jabba the Hutt, if he finds out I'm here…," began the woman when the Crawler once more rocked from the Firesprays' continued attacks.

"I think he already knows someone's here," commented Zoda lightly. "But Jabba typically doesn't interest himself anymore in capturing people and ransoming them off. Not after what happened the last time."

Neva Kee and Zoda both shuddered involuntarily; reminded of that situation where they had been called in to deal with at Jabba's Palace and things had gone noticeably awry.

But they couldn't focus on that right now and so the Jedi blazed out of the Crawler's bridge hurtling towards the barge below.

Mos Eisley: The King strode boldly across the various streets and bazaars headed for the edge of town as his guards did their best to protect him from however many threats may have existed on the city streets.

"Just for the record if you get hurt out here my company isn't paying for it," said the woman. "Accidental not intentional damage is covered under your health plan."

The King said nothing, he just continued onwards towards the edge of town where explosions could be seen above the short rooftops.

Sail Barge: "Well, well, well, look who it is," said Jabba nonplussed. The Jedi had his lightsaber gripped tight to him as the various guards aimed their blasters at him.

"Hey Jabba what brings you to these parts?" asked the Jedi earnestly.

"Your as-," began the Hutt when the Jedi laughed.

"I meant besides that," he stated. The Hutt shrugged as an explosion tore out another chunk of the side of the Sandcrawler next them raining more debris over the barge's deck.

"Going on vacation assuming you don't ruin it first," the Hutt admitted. "But perhaps I should have my gunners train their weapons on your vehicle first."

Zoda nodded his head. "You probably should I mean it would be embarrassing to be beaten to Mos Eisley by a Sandcrawler."

Jabba turned beet red at this. "Your rust bucket is no match…"

"…For _your_ rust bucket?" asked the Jedi raising another nonexistent eyebrow accompanied by a big smile. "See you in Mos Eisley…_if_ you can make it."

With that he was gone, soaring back into the Crawler as Jabba turned to his crew.

"If you thought your lives were on the line before…," he threatened and then moved to the rear of the ship and grabbed a hold of the wheel. "Full speed to Mos Eisley!"

Bridge: "Well?" asked Neva curious. Zoda dusted himself off as a concussion missile exploded nearby blowing out the remaining windows.

"You've got the speed, you've got the power...," he began. Neva's eyes widened at that before looking over and seeing the barge pull ahead.

"To cruise the world," the diplomat finished knowingly. "Though I'm guessing it's Mos Eisley in our case."

The Jedi snapped his middle finger and thumb together before raising his thumb in agreement.

"Let's roll," the diplomat agreed as he slammed the accelerator forward. The vehicle swayed even further from side to side.

"You will do no…," began Delta before she clung tightly to the chair to avoid spilling out the window.

"Listen lady, either pay up or shut up," Zoda decreed as he steadied himself on the console in front of him as the city that never didn't steal grew closer and closer.

Mos Eisley: The woman was interviewing a citizen whose landspeeder's hood had been crumpled by an out of control surfboard.

"Well?" asked the citizen desperate. The woman took a couple photos of the damage and then pulled out an electronic device and entered some things into it. The device beeped and a credit chit emerged.

"50 Truguts," she stated and moved to leave.

"But the damage was-," began the man protesting when the woman whirled to face him.

"The way I see it, you were speeding," she stated. "If you had been going the speed limit you wouldn't be in this mess so be glad you got anything at all."

She then walked over to the vehicle and yanked the surfboard out of the ground and attached a rope to it so she could drag it while it hovered behind her. She then grabbed the roof of the golf cart and placed it on top of the board and headed towards the King and his troops.

Outskirts: Small landspeeders and patrons raced to get out of the way of the two large vehicles while missiles and laser fire flew everywhere. The Sandcrawler and Sail Barge continuously jockeyed for position.

"This is going to be close," said Neva Kee looking once more through his rangefinder at the city.

"We should be able to make it," said Zoda assessing their odds with Treadwell. Neva Kee nodded before something hit him and he turned and looked at the Jedi bizarrely. The Jedi looked at him confused and then at Treadwell before he instantly panicked.

"I guess you calculated the odds for my sake," said the diplomat trying to calm him down. The Jedi breathed a sigh of relief.

"Yeah, I guess I did," he said.

"Well answer this dummy, where is the finish line?" demanded Delta as all she saw was a city looming ever larger. "Or are you just planning on running smack dab into the middle of the city?"

The two aliens and Treadwell snapped their heads forward to see the city even larger than before.

"Ummm," began the diplomat before turning once more to the path in front of them. "That's a good question. Zoda?"

The Jedi thought about it before picking up the radio. "Hey Jabba, what do you want your loosing point to be?"

"I think you mean winning point," the Hutt gloated. At the moment the Crawler was a good third length ahead of the barge.

"And how do you plan on doing that?" asked Zoda doubtful. The Hutt's hand moved towards a red dot next to the wheel.

"With this!" he shouted as he pressed the button. The engines on the barge suddenly glowed blue and the craft erupted forward at well past breakneck speed and quickly overtook the crawler.

"My nitro, NO!!!!!" shouted Zoda in vain as he watched their lead vanish.

"Congrats Zee, we've lost!" declared Neva Kee a little frustrated. The Xamster sighed and was reaching for the brakes when an out of control missile ricocheted off of the sail barge and exploded underneath the crawler. This had the unfortunate effect of blowing out the brakes of the crawler as well as causing Jabba to loose control of the wheel of the barge so that it spun around in front of the barge and was now traveling in reverse directly in front of the crawler with Mos Eisley less than half a mile ahead.

"Oh great!" said Zoda throwing his hands up in the air. "Now we'll never win!"

Trial: Not a single sound was heard in the courtroom.

Mos Eisley: The King watched the rear of the sail barge through his binoculars in confusion as a throng of citizens watched with dread on their faces about what they knew was to come.

And it came quickly. Jabba's sail barge had a built in safety mechanism to prevent it from crashing into any more buildings after Zoda's earlier stunt and so it came to an abrupt halt flinging the crew and the Hutt off the rear end. At the same time, without any other options, Neva Kee threw the wheel to try and avoid colliding with the barge. Unfortunately, at the speed they were going, the Crawler couldn't completely avoid the barge and so it went racing up the side…

…And went airborne.

"Oh hell," said the woman from earlier as a shadow fell over her as the sand crawler began to twist in the air. For those in its coming path, they screamed in terror when the crawler miraculously froze in midair. The citizens didn't question it, they just ran out of its path while onboard, Zoda strained against all odds to keep it in place.

"Out with it!" shouted Neva Kee seeing the Jedi's huge grin.

"Those Alien boys had better…," he began mimicking the balladeer.

"Shut it!" concluded the diplomat. Zoda chuckled.

"Suit yourself," he decided as he was glad to let go and relax as the crawler flew forward and crashed on its side into the center of town, skidding along its side, and then coming to a halt while from the front came Treadwell pulling the golf cart and its occupants inside. The droid instantly came to a halt and the golf cart with it as the two aliens went flying out the front before skidding to a halt directly in front of the king.

"Oh no," Zoda lamented as the King glared at both of them.

"Daddy, get me off this planet!" shouted Delta rushing into his arms. "I'm sorry I left Chrona, I swear it'll never happen again. Anybody who would want to go anywhere with these two would have to be crazy!"

"Yeah I guess so," said a familiar voice to Neva Kee and Zoda as the woman with the clubs appeared. "But I'd say the rewards were worth the risks. Not many people can say they went flying through the air on an overturned Sandcrawler."

"Oh no, not you!" shouted Zoda refusing to look up at her. "My day was going great until you decided to show up."

The woman laughed as she looked at the sandcrawler that Jawas were pouring out of.

"I'll bet," she agreed lightly. "Hey Neva, how's it hangin'?"

"Alright Keira, yourself?" responded the diplomat. The woman shrugged lightly.

"Took a long vacation, went back to work, got promoted, found out you two were at it again and I finally tracked you two down and here I am," Keira Kiley revealed. "Anyway, she's fine let's go."

She and Neva headed off while Zoda looked at the king expectantly.

"Since we did bring her back to you…," he began. The King silently flipped him a coin and instantly grabbed his royal blaster and fired at him. But the Jedi was gone and so was the coin. All that was left was some writing in the sand.

_Better Luck Next Time! –The Big Z._

The King brushed it from the ground with his foot.

Trial: "So we replaced the battery and went on our 'merry' way," continued Neva Kee.

Bar: Neva Kee was drinking a vodka martini while Zoda spun his straw in his ice water.

"Lousy no alcohol rule," the Jedi grumbled as his head slumped down onto the counter and he began pounding it in frustration. Keira looked at Neva questioningly.

"We had a problem on Hapes once," was all the diplomat was willing to admit to. "And alcohol doesn't affect my alien physiology in the slightest so I just do it to tee him off…so to speak."

The alien downed his drink before holding up his hands casually. He then pulled out his mixer and made another as Zoda crammed a hamburger into his mouth.

"What are these anyway?" asked Keira as the bartender served them a plate of strips of food.

"They're called French Fries, made from potatoes," answered the diplomat. "We imported the potatoes and the bartender makes them for us when we show up, along with our cow burgers."

"Oh," said Keira not really understanding a word he said.

"It's an Earth thing," the diplomat conceded.

"Ah," said Keira now understanding. At least as understanding as it got with _that_ world.

"And why are you here?" asked Zoda with his head still on the counter. "My life was miserable enough before you showed up."

"Good," said Keira pleased as she had a sip of her drink. "As for me, you keep breaking things and someone's bound to investigate."

Zoda groaned. "Yeah but you didn't need to show up again, you know all the destruction is legit. So why are you here?"

Keira nodded and admitted. "Neva asked me to come."

"Guess that explains why I tried to kill him earlier today," responded the Jedi pushing his glass over. "Oh well let's go."

The two spun away from the counter and headed for the exit.

"Aren't you two gonna pay for your food?" Keira called after them as she fished in her pocket for some credits.

"You ever hear of a tab?" Zoda shot back at her.

"Am I on it?" Keira asked.

"Screw you!" came the response from beyond the entryway. Keira grumbled at him as she fished for more creds.

"C'mon K, let's rock and roll!" came Neva's voice. "Forget the money, tab it!"

Keira grabbed a roll and stuffed it in her mouth as she threw on her jacket and ran out the door. Outside, Neva Kee was going through a massive junk pile that Zoda had collected onto a hovercart that he had hooked to Treadwell.

"What is all this?" he asked bewildered looking at some burnt cables that had been salvaged from the crawler's hold.

"Something for me to do when we finally get back to the farm," was all the Jedi was willing to admit to before he ordered Treadwell to leave.

"Terrific," said Neva Kee ominously as Treadwell rolled off into the horizon before making for the golf cart that had the battery replaced and the roof welded back on. He got into the cart and Zoda did, but Keira found herself restrained by an invisible force.

"Hey what's the deal Z?" she asked perplexed.

"This is an exclusive golf course so pay up," the Jedi pointed out. The woman looked at him doubtful.

"Neva?" she asked. The diplomat pondered this.

"He does have a point," he conceded. "Besides, I'd rather not have a repeat of what happened the last time you went golfing with us."

The thought of standing on that asteroid at the end of the black hole watching with anticipation as to which golf ball would enter the event horizon first only to have Keira's golf ball soar in from out of nowhere and beat both of them had been rather annoying, not to mention embarrassing.

"Ha, ha!" said Keira in triumph as a broad grin spread across her face. "So you are jealous!"

The aliens gave her a perturbed look.

"Just get in," the diplomat growled. Keira smiled even wider as she hopped onto the back as Zoda secured his board to the roof and the cart moved out of the city and into the setting sun.

Trial: "The human adventure is just beginning," quipped Zoda as Neva Kee groaned.

"That's Star Trek you hack!" shouted Neva Kee before conceeding. "But he's right, it was."

"And finding that katamari ball didn't help things either," the Jedi foreshadowed.

"Forget the damn ball, how did you end up teaching that class at Tatooine U?" said the Judge looking at his notes.

"All in good time my friend, all in good time," said the Jedi with a slight grin. "Good things come to those who wait after all."


	8. Learning

Pit of Carkoon: Neva Kee sat at the edge of the pit in contemplation with his favorite apple. Keira was pacing nervously behind him as she snapped up her blaster every time a tentacle got near. But the tentacles were mainly moving around listlessly as the Sarlacc was writhing in agony.

"I-how-why," began Keira flabbergasted as she looked down into the pit with worry.

"He'll be fine," Neva assured her while taking a chunk from the apple. "He's done this before."

Keira's eyebrows furled at that. "So why would he still sink his shot in there?"

"The thrill I suspect," figured the diplomat. The Sarlacc was now convulsing with the equivalent of dry heaves.

"Here it comes," said Neva Kee bolting off as Keira took one last look and ran off as well as the Sarlacc upchucked its previous week's meals in a flood of gastric juices that covered the entire area as a golf ball hurtled out of it's mouth. The rain of puke fell all over Neva and Keira as Zoda hurtled out and crashed into the sand. Keira and Neva Kee looked at the Jedi as he grinned maniacally before dropping his club into the sand. Keira then took one look at the gunk all over her and ran off to hurl behind the golf cart as Neva Kee looked at the Jedi darkly.

"I'm still penalizing you a stroke," he declared and walked off to find his scorecard. The Jedi grinned before wincing and pulling an orb with various objects on it that looked like test tube stoppers out of his robe.

"The hell is this?" he said bewildered before throwing it up into the air and blasting it away with the Force where it trailed off into the distance.

"What was that?" asked Neva as Zoda piled back into the cart.

"I don't know," said the Jedi shrugging. "But it doesn't really matter so let's keep going."

"If you say so…," said Neva doubtful. They both knew that object would come to bite them later but they were willing to put it aside for now.

"So where's our next destination?" asked Keira looking at the mirror in her compact.

"The town of Mos Mos," said Neva. Keira looked at him in disbelief.

"They called it Mos Mos?" she asked bewildered before rolling her eyes. "Oh that's original."

"Well they were going to call it Mos Def but the name was taken," Zoda stated as the cart rumbled along the ground to a city barely visible in the distance.

"So what's the deal with this city?" asked Keira curious. Zoda rummaged around in the glove compartment before producing a brochure.

"Home of Tatooine University," the Jedi answered. "It's state of the art too or as state of the art as this place can get."

"What do they teach?" asked Keira curious leafing through it.

"Oh the basics really, political science, law, business…," began Zoda nonchalantly.

"Moisture farming, self-defense in the event of Tusken attacks, light and heavy weaponry operation," Neva Kee added with a chuckle. Zoda nodded.

"That was a very good class," he stated pointing at the diplomat defensively. Neva Kee nodded lightly at that.

"Must've been since you took out the whole western wall of the university for your final exam thereby ruining my Tatooine bar exam at the same time," the diplomat groaned as his head slumped down onto the wheel. Keira was still leafing through the leaflet only half listening to them and another one of their countless tales of urban destruction.

"Guess that explains the new addition," she commented offhand still looking through the leaflet. An abrupt silence from up front caused Keira to look straight past the rim of her sunglasses and out at the dunes with a sense that something was immediately amiss.

"…New addition?" asked Zoda perplexed.

Keira's head dropped into her hands.

Trial: "That new addition was built over a hundred years ago!" shouted IG-24. Zoda rolled his eyes.

"So we haven't been here in awhile. So sue-," began Zoda when Neva Kee slapped him and the Jedi realized what he'd been about to say and clamped his hands over his mouth.

"Besides," said Zoda innocently whistling trying to change the subject. "How long has the _Dowager Queen_ been stuck out there?"

Neva slapped him again as IG-24 brought down his arm and snapped their table in two.

"Moving on," said Neva Kee also whistling nervously.

Tatooine University: Two golf balls whistled through the air and demolished the gym. The student body, basically consisting of one class of twenty students, poured out of the university including one in the equivalent of a Hawaiian getup with a packed straw suitcase and folded up lounge chair. From the dust Neva Kee and Zoda became visible with their golf cart.

"Howdy boys," said the Professor Layton walking up to them. "Well, vaya con dios!"

He then tore off out of there as Zoda collapsed onto the sand in spasms as Neva Kee thought about slamming his head against the side of the cart before realizing the gesture was pointless.

"Come class, let's resume our learning," he said motioning to the class to follow him back into the building. The class looked at the distant form of Professor Layton before following the short blue alien back into the building. Keira watched them go before standing next to Zoda's now motionless body.

"Do I even want to know?" she asked. Zoda's head shook once from side to side, still face down in the sand.

"Figures," said Keira before she produced a toothpick and chewed on it thoughtfully before walking into the building leaving the Jedi Knight alone with his thoughts.

Classroom: Zoda sat off to the side visibly annoyed as Neva Kee stood on top of the desk in some chancellor robes and hat that he'd managed to procure from somewhere that also conveniently fit him. Keira was sitting in the back cleaning out her laser pistols.

"Hello class I am Chancellor Kee," said the diplomat. "I'm fully accredited and ran this place back when it was at it's height of 30,000 students."

Keira whistled at that as the students were likewise impressed and at a loss.

"But that was…," began one of the students whose mouth was gaping wide open.

"When water still flowed freely on this planet," Zoda grumbled to himself.

"A long time ago," Neva Kee agreed. "So you probably shouldn't wrap your mind around it, it'll hurt. Long story short I'm in charge and Zoda's teaching the class."

He then bolted out the door clasping his hand onto his hat and vanished from the room as Zoda reluctantly moved to the desk from his spot while Keira leaned to the student next to her.

"I understand this place having so many students but…," she began.

"This place hasn't had that many students or water in a _very_ long time," was all the student was willing to admit to as the sound of a lightsaber igniting was heard.

"A whooping stick is too primitive for me so I chose to trade up," said the Jedi swinging it around. "So believe me that when I say shut up you'd better shut up!"

The gulps of twenty students were heard as Keira quickly gathered her stuff and fled the room.

Office: Neva Kee was adjusting a photo on the wall when Keira knocked on the door.

"Knock, knock," she stated lightly rapping on the door. Neva turned to look at her and then returned his attention to the painting.

"Oh hey Kay, c'mon in," he said amicably. "How was the class?"

"It was good," she agreed. "Until Zoda started swinging his lightsaber around."

Neva chuckled. "Ah give it time, soon he and that class will be on the same page."

Zoda ran past the open window being chased by his angry class who had rulers and chairs.

"Oh I should think so," said Keira watching them race around the courtyard. Neva Kee was finally satisfied with the painting and spun around and dropped into his plush leather chair.

"So what's on your mind?" he asked putting on some glasses and looking through the school's financial reports.

"Not much," Keira said taking a seat as the diplomat produced a pitcher of water. "Except, what're we doing here?"

Neva Kee blinked and then raised the muscle above his right eye. Keira groaned.

"I'm not here to wax nostalgic about our place in the universe," she declared crossing her arms. The diplomat chuckled as he filed some papers.

"We're just here while Professor Layton takes a two week vacation," explained Enkidu. "We kind of promised him that if we ever destroyed another part of the university while he was teaching, we'd take over for a bit."

Keira nodded, that wasn't what she'd come in here to discuss but she wasn't sure how to bring it up. Zoda now ran the other way past the window being pelted by food from the student body.

"Some things just don't change do they?" said the blue alien watching the Jedi go as he took a watering can and lightly watered some small plants on the windowsill. Oddly enough that was the entry Keira had been looking for to the point that she wondered if the diplomat hadn't been able to read her mind.

"No I guess not," she agreed before asking tentatively. "So how long have you two been traveling together for?"

Neva chuckled knowingly at that. "Way too long."

Keira nodded as she poured herself a drink and slowly took a stirring straw and moved the water around in her cup. Neva for his part produced a pair of garden sheers and looked over the Bonsai trees deciding where to prune. The sound of lightsaber blades igniting was heard as Zoda stood his ground and began cutting items in half that were thrown at him.

"How long?" she repeated. Neva Kee made his cut and turned to look at her.

"Is it important?" he asked, his thoughts behind that statement unknown to her. Keira shrugged.

"It's just with every story I hear you guys tell, it just drives home the point that I really don't know anything about you," said Keira a little helpless. Neva Kee made a sour expression at that.

"Ah we're not worth it," he decided brushing off her concerns. "Besides, I thought you weren't here to wax nostalgic."

"No but…," began Keira as Zoda and his students ran from a herd of wild dewbacks. Neva Kee nodded his head.

"Everything has it's time," he said cryptically. Zoda's students now rode bareback on the dewbacks as Zoda pulled up alongside the window on his steed.

"Hey Zoda," said Neva Kee hopping up onto the windowsill. "Got a new pet I see."

Zoda patted the dewback's side affectionately before producing a fedora and placing it on his head. "We'll see. So Short Round how 'bout we go raiding for the lost ark?"

"Maybe later Indy," said Neva with a smirk. Zoda shook his head.

"Your loss," he said before turning to Keira. "What about you Marion?"

"Who?"

"Forget it," said Zoda as he slammed his foot against the dewback's hide and off he rode with his class into the sunset. "Yee-haw!"

Neva Kee and Keira watched them go.

"So what exactly _was_ that a reference to?" asked Keira bewildered. Neva Kee looked at her.

"Well maybe the truth starts here, one piece at a time," he decided. "Doctor Henry Jones Junior was…"

Elsewhere: The ball Zoda had launched earlier hit the ground and began rolling collecting dirt and whatever else it came into contact with.

Trial: "And you are qualified to be teaching?" asked the Judge doubtful. Zoda nodded as he lazily lifted his hands.

"Strange but true," the Jedi said lightly. The Judge shot a glance at Neva who gave a brief nod of his head.

"And the ball?" asked the IG-24. Neva Kee nodded in humility.

"Yeah I'll admit that we did have foreknowledge of what that ball was capable of," he began to the Judge's surprise.

"HA HA!" shouted IG-24 triumphant standing up from behind his demolished desk. Neva shot him a look.

"But we didn't make the connection to that particular ball until it was too late," the diplomat continued. IG-24 looked at him in what the diplomat only assumed was doubtfulness.

"It's true," he repeated in their defense. IG-24's sensors rolled at that.

"Of course it is," he said doubtful. Neva Kee shot him a look akin to a teacher lecturing a student.

"When you've lived as long as I have you'll realize that reality doesn't care if you believe it or not," he stated crossing his arms. "To continue…"

Tatooine U: Zoda and his students were looking at a mass of heavily rusted metal barely hovering above the ground.

"What is it?" asked one of the students poking the wreckage with a stick as part of it fell off and hit the ground startling the class. At this point Neva and Keira showed up to see what the commotion was all about.

"The hell," said Keira bewildered looking at the thing. Neva Kee walked underneath the floating ball of wreckage and picked up a piece of rusted metal that immediately disintegrated in his hands.

"Holy rusted metal Batman," he stated at a loss. "What have you done this time Zoda?"

Zoda turned to face them with an intent look on his face.

"What _I_ have done is create a project for this class to do," he stated wiping his hands. "This is a former podracer and we are going to restore it to pristine glory and enter into the Boonta Eve."

The Jedi produced a rolled up poster and unfurled it before letting it drift into the wind over to the diplomat. The blue alien looked at the poster which had the newly constructed podrace arena in the center of the picture as rays of light and podracer flew out of it. On the bottom the words: 'First every Boonta Eve Classic!' was emblazoned on it along with the date and time as a podrace pilot was shown on the right while crowds cheered him on the left. Neva Kee rolled up the poster and then shook it in his hand to emphasize his following point.

"What kind of scam are you running this time?" he demanded. Zoda blinked at him curiously.

"No scam," he said lightly shaking his head. "It's just to obtain funds for a scientific experiment I plan on running."

"Oh," said Neva Kee before it hit him. "Wait! What sort of-."

"So how 'bout it kiddies?" said Zoda asking his class expectantly. The class looked at the wreckage once more.

"How much?" they all demanded in unison. Zoda looked at them curiously.

"Extra credit?" he asked. "Well it's for a grade not…"

The class shook their heads. "Percent of the earnings."

Zoda's eyes widened and his jaw dropped.

"Now wait just a minute!" he said as a massive argument broke out between him and the student body over that idea. Neva shook his head and headed back in with Keira in tow.

"This…," she began.

"…Is a great idea by Zoda to give his students some practical hands on experience with fixing things, knowledge any budding moisture farmer should know," responded the diplomat cutting her off. "Besides, it doesn't involve me for a change and that's good enough for me."

Trial: "But of course you did get involved," stated IG-24.

"Unfortunately," the diplomat agreed sighing. "Unfortunately."

"So the next chapter with the Boonta Eve ends badly?" asked the Judge also sighing.

"I wouldn't say that," chimed in a voice from the crowd. Everyone turned to see Zobba squirm up to the front of the audience.

"Oh right," said Zoda recalling what happened. "Because next chapter: Enter the Hutt."

Zobba flashed them a double thumb's up as both the aliens on the stand shuddered.


	9. Podracing

Anguirus111 Note: If this chapter and the eventual next seems too much like _Speed Racer_ it's because I saw the movie and really enjoyed it. Oh and for an interesting tidbit, the idea of Neva Kee and Zoda getting mixed up in a podrace was originally supposed to take place on Sullust in _Galactic Golfing Chronicles_ with them having to tee off as podracers went racing by them and then they'd join the race. But it didn't pan out so here it is. Oh and I'm not original so I'm listing all the racers from Ep. I. It's easier that way for all of us. And if I ever write a third Neva Kee and Zoda story, either it'll be insanely serious, be rated M for foul language, or have it be like this except dealing exclusively with podracing because this chapter was a blast to write.

Moisture Farm: Zoda and part of his 'crew' were hammering away at the podracer, slowly turning it from junk to recognizable vehicle. Nearby Neva Kee was servicing the vaporators while explaining his work to the rest of the students. Keira watched them both, her chin resting on Treadwell's head, smiling. These were the Neva Kee and Zoda that she knew, that the rest of the galaxy didn't. They weren't the scourges of the galaxy, they genuinely helped people. But her thoughts were interrupted by an obtuse shadow falling over her from behind.

"**I'm here to see Neva Kee and Zoda**," came a gruff voice, a gruff _Huttese_ voice. Keira tensed up and was about to spin around and face the Hutt when a clicking noise was heard of a blaster rifle being cocked. Keira slowly held up her hands as Neva Kee and Zoda noticed the commotion and approached her.

"Something wrong?" asked Neva not seeing who was behind her or noticing the shadow.

"Oh…nothing," said Keira annoyed at their flippancy. Both looked at her strangely and then leaned past her on both sides and saw the creature behind her. Their eyes widened and both tried to bolt when a gigantic blur scooped them both up in a big bear hug.

"Hi guys, hi!" said the Hutt exuberantly as he shook them all around. Keira eyed the Hutt bewildered as the Hutt continued happily shaking them before setting them down with spirals in their eyes.

"Hello Zobba," said both finally. The Hutt's tail spun around and deposited his luggage next to him that he had left behind to hug the two aliens.

"Betcha thought I wasn't coming didn't ya?" said the Hutt with a big grin. "Well here I am at last!"

"And what…'philanthropic' venture are you up to this time?" asked Zoda raising a non-existent eyebrow. Zobba blinked his wide eyes at them.

"Well you know it's always for a good cause," said the Hutt truthfully. Zoda and Neva Kee had to nod reluctantly at that, they knew it was.

Trial: "A helpful Hutt?" asked the Judge looking at Zobba curious. The Hutt nodded his head.

"Strange but true," he admitted. "I just don't have the same overwhelming desire to acquire wealth as my fellow Hutts."

Moisture Farm: "I need you to…make sure someone doesn't finish the Boonta Eve Classic," said the Hutt sheepishly. He was relaxing next to the lounge table that had been set up with umbrella as Neva Kee, Keira, and Zoda listened to his proposal.

"Permanently or…," began Keira suspiciously. The three aliens looked at her before all began laughing at that idea.

"We're mercenaries, bounty hunters, you name it but we're not assassins," said Zoda bluntly.

"And I don't hire people to kill people," said the Hutt holding up his right hand. "Umm, what kind of honor did you say that was?"

"Scout's honor," answered Neva Kee lightly. The Hutt smiled his big happy grin. Keira turned to the other two aliens.

"You _can't_ be serious," she stated. "Is he for real?"

The two aliens looked at each other.

"Didn't we just establish that last scene at the trial?" they both asked in unison.

Keira blinked. "What?!"

"What?" asked both in repetition. "Anyway…"

"Will ya do it?" asked the Hutt hopefully. The two aliens scratched their heads.

"It'd better be that important," both decided. The Hutt nodded.

"It always is," he agreed before looking at the podracer. "Now let's have a look at this machine of yours. I may be willing to invest in it…"

Later: The podracer was looking better all the time, Keira noted. It was gradually turning into a y-shaped racer with a small body directly attached to two honking engines. The craft was unusual in that it wasn't the engines dragging the pod via cables the engines were behind it. Why that was, Keira could only guess because Zoda wasn't admitting to anything behind the design.

"So your name is Zobba?" asked Keira sipping her lemonade. The Hutt nodded.

"That's right," said the Hutt. "It's not fancy but it gets the job done."

An explosion on top of the podracer sent Zoda hurtling through the sky as he snapped his fingers and his surfboard roared to him and he flew back to the ground. Keira cocked an eyebrow while looking at Zobba out of the corner of her eye.

"Originality is dead," the Hutt commented in regards to their similar names. Keira sipped her drink in agreement as Zoda's class ran from the Jedi who was now chasing after them on the surfboard.

Later still: The podracer had finally gotten all of the dents out of it and was finally sleek and smooth. The students were now applying blue and silver paint to the podracer. …A color scheme identical to a certain diplomat.

"Oh great," said Neva depressed. The pamphlet he held told the name of all the racers participating in the Boonta Eve and directly at the bottom read: Neva Kee: Farwan & Glott FG 8T8 Twin-Block 2 Special.

"I wish I was the one going," said Zoda wistfully. Neva snapped his head to look at him.

"You were the one who put in the entry form!" he stated. Zoda nodded.

"Yeah, unfortunately the teacher's union bars me from podracing," said Zoda shrugging his shoulders helplessly as he dug his hands into his robe pockets.

"I'll bet it does," Neva commented ruefully. The two turned to face the Hutt.

"And who is it I'm supposed to knock off?" asked Neva unhappy, turning to the Hutt. Zobba produced a large dossier that he handed to the diplomat who fell down because of the weight.

"Name's Wantan Eiken," said Zobba as Neva Kee dug out a photo of Devlikk. "Gun runner, assassin, you name it. Anyway, he's been provoking armed conflict on the planet Sepa where I do some non-profit work and lately he's gotten himself into financial issues by buying up all these weapons. He needs to place in the Boonta Eve or he'll be out of business."

"Peachy," said Neva Kee nonplussed reading about the civil war.

"So…good luck," said the Hutt as he bolted off to the grand stands. The podracer was just being finished at the last minute and just under the wire as the other pods were being dragged to their starting positions.

"Don't let the paint splash you in the eyes Enkidu," said Zoda with a grin and an evil laugh.

"Up yours Zathura," came the diplomat's response as he slapped on his goggles and was lifted up to the cockpit on Zoda's flying surfboard and hopped. Zoda shot him the peace sign and then rocketed away leaving Neva Kee to cough on the sand and exhaust. When it cleared, Neva found a lightsaber resting on his lap. The diplomat eyed it curiously before stowing it away and looked forward because the race was about to begin.

"Oh lady of blessed acceleration don't fail me now," said the diplomat as the counter hit zero and he slammed on the accelerator and the craft leapt forward for the race while also chasing after Wantan Eiken's racer.

Space: Both sides of the Sepan Civil War descended on the planet to eek out their revenge on Wantan Eiken.

Pit Stop: "So here you go Trixie, go nuts!" said Zoda. The students, the Jedi, and the Hutt were standing next to a T-16 Skyhopper.

"Who, what?" asked Keira again confused by Zoda's lingo. Zoda groaned.

"Just get in that thing and go give Neva a flying eye report," the Jedi stated irate. Keira nodded her head.

"Right," she said and got in and the vehicle tore into the sky. The Jedi then turned to the others.

"The rest of you stooges; let's try and turn yourselves into a functional pit stop crew," he ordered. The pit droids assigned to them had fled in fear upon seeing Zoda and had yet to return. And now Zoda did the same as his class once more chased after him, this time around the stadium. Zobba watched them go, clearly amused, before turning his attention to his handheld LCD displaying the race.

Race track: Podracers zipped across the Waldo Flats as Keira followed above in her T-16 skyhopper.

"Careful Neva, Fud Sang's coming up on your right," said Keira from above. Down below, Neva Kee carefully drifted to the right to get a view at the prisoner's racer.

"Roger Trixie," said Neva as he smiled inwardly at Keira's resultant groan as he straightened out his racer. Soon the blue and black engines of Fud's racer were seen edging up past Neva's engines.

"And Aldar Beedo on the left," commented Keira as blue and white engines appeared on the other side. Three blue podracers raced across the open desert as more competed all around them.

"The blue meanies, fantastic," said Neva unhappy. The two podracers inched closer and closer on the sides as Neva Kee reached for the accelerator.

"They're squeezing now!" shouted Keira. Neva hit the accelerator and the craft leapt forward as the two podracers slammed into each other behind him and then straight into the ground.

"Heh, heh, suckers," said the diplomat pleased as he lined up behind Teemto Pagalies. And then laser fire rained down from the heavens as Sepan fighters and capital cruisers descended on the race firing at anyone and everyone.

Pit Stop: "Uh-oh," said Zobba as Sepan craft were seen arcing overhead and explosions littered the atmosphere. Zoda and his students stopped their chase and also looked up at the sky along with the other race participants.

"Alright students," said Zoda all business. "Now it's time to put my class on 'war and you' into action. Get down to the pit stop and hook up with Zobba and then get ready for some action, Neva's podracer is likely going to be taking some serious damage so ready the self-healing metal solutions."

"And where will you be?" a student asked curiously. The Jedi stuck his pointer finger and thumb into his mouth and whistled loudly.

"Around," said the Jedi as he leapt into the air and onto his flying surfboard as it tore off down the racetrack.

Race: Keira was now juking and jinking left and right as laser blasts, torpedoes, and craft came crashing down all around her.

"It's like a war up here!" she shouted. Down below, Teemto's engines exploded from stray laser blasts and his pod went rolling off after it hit the ground.

"Well it's no picnic down here either!" shouted the diplomat as he was now situating next to Mars Guo's massive engines. He nearly avoided a collision as the other pod avoided a piece of flaming wreckage from Teemto's engines.

"Hey Kay, you're still supposed to be watching out for me!" said the diplomat as Ebe Endocott's pod leapfrogged over his and slammed down in front of him causing the diplomat to nearly spin out.

"Hey screw you, I got my own problems!" said Keira as a pair of Sepan fighters roared after her. "What I need right now-."

"Is a hero!" came a voice over the comm. as Zoda came rocketing forward from between the rising twin suns, lightsabers extended on both sides as he ripped past Keira's T-16 and with a couple of slashes took both Sepan fighters out of commission. The Jedi did a quick spin on his board and zipped past Keira as more Sepan fighters chased after him.

"Can you handle yourself now Kay?" asked Zoda as he did a spin to avoid their laser blasts. Keira grumbled some swear words under her breath and then quickly spun the vehicle on its axis and knocked away a fighter that spun out of control nearly taking out Zoda in the process.

"Right on," said Zoda with a grin as he looked at her from behind his shades. His board then soared off towards the ground. For her part, Keira activated the vehicle's lasers and began shooting at everything that flew as Sepan fighters arced the sky shooting at the podracers and each other.

Ground: Bozzie Baranta, Bullseye Navior, and Slide Paramita rocketed through Beggar's Canyon as Ebe Endocott's racer wiped out against one of the walls through which Neva Kee whipped through the flames followed by Mars Guo and Gasgano.

"I guess they were right," said Neva as laser blasts blasted rocks from the top of the canyon to the racers below. "These racers are brutal but they stop for nothing, wind, rain, snow…or civil wars."

"That's what makes the sport so fun," said a voice from directly behind him. The voice startled the diplomat and he almost lost control of his pod. Neva shuddered as he tried to calm himself before briefly glancing behind him and seeing Zoda on his board directly above the back of his pod and between his two engines.

"Must you do that?!" demanded Neva to the Jedi, his attention once more on the race. Zoda thought about it.

"Yeah," was his conclusion as Neva groaned. The pod emerged into the desert plain and then into arch canyon.

"So where's this racer we're supposed to take out?" asked the Jedi curious, looking around.

"He's in first place," responded the diplomat wiping sweat from his forehead and trying to hold on to the increasingly slippery controls. Zoda nodded and looked around once more.

"And umm, where are we?" came the inevitable question. Neva braced himself for the response.

"Eighth," he stated calmly. But the annoyed response never came, instead the sound of screws being removed was heard and alarms blipped on Neva's console.

"What are you doing?" said the diplomat turning to face the Jedi who had produced a small metal cylinder over the now exposed energy transfer device between the two engines.

"Time to kick things up a notch," said Zoda as Keira's T-16 whipped overhead.

"Don't you dare!" shouted Neva Kee. Zoda's smile crept up his cheeks before he grabbed a handhold on the pod.

"Better buckle up!" he shouted and slammed the device into the power coupler.

Above: Keira watched in astonishment as Neva's engines exploded with power resulting in twin engine flames that blew away Mars Guo and Gasgano in its wake. Time seemed to stop for a moment as the podracer built up power and then erupted forward leaving trails of fire behind it. The craft moved so fast it literally seemed to be phase through the three pods in front of it and keep going off unto the horizon and then vanished from sight.

"Wow," said Keira in awe before having to avoid more Sepan fighters as she tried to track where they had vanished off to.

Elsewhere: Two dropships from the opposing sides of the war surreptitiously landed and both disgorged a single podracer, both of which joined the race intent on destroying Wantan Eiken….and each other.

Jag Crag Gorge: The Farwan & Glott FG 8T8 Twin-Block 2 Special hurtled out its hyper-induced state and continued at its normal speed of several thousand miles an hour. Neva Kee's face was almost permanently frozen in fear and was smeared back from the whiplash as Zoda sat on the back breathing heavily as he had held onto the pod for dear life. It took the two a couple of moments, and miraculously they didn't hit anything, but they slowly regained their senses.

"…And…that…is…why…the…engines…are…on…the…back!" Zoda coughed out as he still laid there dazed. Neva also came to and regained control of the vehicle and avoided some bad rock outcroppings.

"I hate you," the diplomat declared. The Jedi nodded and then snapped alert and extended his lightsaber as he began fighting off laser blasts from Tusken Raiders hiding in the canyon dune turn. Ahead of them, Toy Dampner and Elan Mak raced behind Wantan Eiken while directly behind were Ark "Bumpy" Roose and Ody Mandrell.

"Shouldn't you have blasted off by now?" asked Neva. The Jedi shrugged.

"My board came loose a few miles back so it'll take a bit for me to get it back," responded the Jedi yawning as he sat back down once they were past the turn.

"Hooray," responded the diplomat. His console beeped.

"What now?" Zoda asked looking at the pods behind them as the wind whipped his body.

"Must be a glitch," said the diplomat hitting his console as the pods raced across the Hutt Flats. "The number of racers just increased."

"It happens," responded the Jedi before something caught his eye. "If you'll excuse me…"

The Jedi hurtled off of the back of the pod and onto Ark "Bumpy" Roose's and then up onto an approaching Sepan fighter coming in for an attack run. Down on the ground, the two jet black Sepan podracers joined the race, nearly running Bumpy and Ody off the track.

"Hey Neva," came Ody's voice over the radio.

"Yeah," responded the diplomat.

"Who're these jokers, I don't remember them being announced over the starting lineup," came the response. Neva Kee looked at his monitor showing the two new racers.

"Good question," he responded as the Sepan fighter roared overhead trailing smoke. "Better be careful they might…"

Thermal detonators were lobbed at the two trailing racers, exploding and nearly taking them out. Neva immediately slammed on his brakes and the two new racers had to swerve to avoid him. The diplomat then slammed on the accelerator and the craft was now posited in between Ody and Bumpy as all three rocketed past the stadium to the cheers of the remaining onlookers despite the raining destruction in other areas around the track.

"_And we seem to have two mysterious podracers on the track. No idea who they are but they nearly took out Ark Roose and Ody Mandrell. Though they will not receive any of the prize money should they finish the race first, in a race with no rules, they still can participate_," came the voice of the race announcer.

"Terrific," said Neva Kee unhappy about it as the three podracers chased after the forward five. "Well boys, looks like we've got a fight ahead of us and here's how it's going to go. I don't care about winning all I want is to take out those two new racers along with Wantan Eiken. It's up to you if you want to help me."

"**Nobody runs me off the track**," Bumpy stated darkly. Though he was not quick to anger, Bumpy Roose's wrath was legendary if you managed to make him mad.

"I'm looking forward to it!" said Ody pleased to finally be getting some action. He was an adrenaline junkie just like Zoda and any chance to engage in close quarter high speed combat with another podracer was music to his ears.

"Let's go," said Neva Kee. The three podracers surged forward together.

"_Begin Lap 2!_" declared the announcer happily.


	10. Podracing II

Race: "_To recap, we've had a civil war break out over the course, new podracers show up, other podracers destroyed, and more excitement in one race that we've had all season. This Boonta Eve track was a late addition to the roster but it seems to have paid off as we've seen. In first place is Wantan Eiken followed by Toy Dampner in second with a close third with Elan Mak. After them are the two new mysterious podracers while nearby in fourth, fifth, and sixth or Neva Kee, Ark "Bumpy" Roose, and Ody Mandrell. It's shaping up to be an exciting race so far. Far back in sixth is…_," began the announcer as his voice rambled off. On the track, Neva Kee, Bumpy, and Ody rocketed through the Mushroom Mesa as one cohesive unit, Neva the leader and Bumpy and Ody his wingmen.

"What do we do about Dampner and Mak?" asked Bumpy curious. Neva Kee shrugged, though the gesture was futile as neither racer could see it.

"It's still a race, do whatever you want," said the diplomat simply. Bumpy gave an evil smile.

"**Excellent**," he stated darkly, briefly rubbing his hands before immediately reaching for the controls again.

"So what's the plan?" asked Ody.

"Saddle up, lock and load," said the diplomat simply. "And we're going to do something stupid at the service ramp in the canyon dune turn. Until then, let's get as close as we can to them."

"Then quit talking let's move!" declared Bumpy as he slammed on his accelerator. Neva Kee followed suit after him but one thought lingered in his mind.

"_Where is Zoda?_" he couldn't help but wonder. "_Or Keira for that matter…_"

Sky: "AAAAHHHHH!" shouted Keira as she lost control of the craft. Zoda was slammed up on the other side of the windshield.

"Get off!" she shouted at him. The Jedi pushed himself off despite the g's and looked at her annoyed.

"Fine," he relented and vanished from sight. The next thing Keira knew he was sitting right next to her with his board.

"So why aren't you out there?" asked Keira immediately pulling the ship to the side as a Sepan fighter came hurtling down right past them leaving a trail of smoke.

"Meh, I'm not really getting anything done out there," said the Jedi disappointed as more laser fire erupted and fighters exploded. "I mean don't get me wrong I do like to have some fun now and then, but this is pointless because I'm just a leaf in the wind. Most warring factions I'm able to help give a common ground by having them both hate me but the Sepans don't seem to care."

Keira maneuvered the T-16 to follow the racetrack, while below Ben Quadinaros cautiously moved down the course, at a far slower speed than everyone else, and was nearly blown off the track by Ratts Tyrell. Seconds later, a piece of wreckage took out one of Tyrell's massive engines causing the pod to crash. Quadinaros stopped briefly to laugh only for Tyrell to chase after him as the Toong's racer limped along after he couldn't get it back into gear.

"So what do you suggest we do, contact Neva for a diplomatic solution?" asked Keira. Zoda looked at the Toong before waving his hand and Quadinaros's racer leapt into gear away from Tyrell. The Jedi smirked before pulling out his LCD and flipping through the screens to see Neva, Ody, and Bumpy in a triangle formation as they closed in on the two mysterious podracers.

"He's busy," stated the Jedi. "But let's get back to the stadium because I think Zobba can help us."

"If you say so," said Keira as she jerked the stick and the craft headed back the way it had come. Down below, Wantan Eiken raced by followed by Toy Dampner when Elan Mak's racer exploded from a blaster shot by one of the two new racers, flinging debris everywhere and nearly taking out Quadinaros. But before he could recover, Neva, Bumpy, and Ody raced past him again startling the Toong nearly to death. But still he slowly plodded on because although he was dedicated, he wasn't about to risk his life for a race.

"Man they are getting more agitated by the minute," Ody commented. "But if they seem to both want to take out Eiken…"

"I can't afford that," said Neva. "We have to take them out first before they get Eiken. So let's get going, we're making our move soon."

The three podracers continued onwards.

Stadium: Keira's T-16 landed as laser blasts tore up parts of the mostly empty grandstands blowing rocks everywhere. Some of the less reputable fans of the sport had begun using illegal weaponry and were taking down the various fighters that came too close.

"Keira, Zoda," acknowledged Zobba as the two approached him while a fighter arced across the sky like a roman candle behind them. Gasgano's pod limped into his pit belching smoke before giving out completely and slowly lowering to the ground. The Xexto hopped out and beat the pod frustrated with his four hands before kicking it and stalking off into the bay defeated.

"What's up?" continued the Hutt unabated. Zoda shrugged as Mars Guo and Bozzie Baranta scrapped against each other as they crossed the lap line before Guo's power coupling gave out and the engines flew off in different directions resulting in both pods being taken out of commission. The two racers got out and began yelling at each other loudly and almost came to blows if Slide Paramita hadn't nearly taken off their heads by rocketing past followed extremely closely by Bullseye Navior. The two pods vanished off into the distance.

"We need your ambassadorial skills," the Jedi stated. Keira eyed him doubtfully.

"Well aren't _you_ just full of surprises," she stated sarcastically to the Hutt. Zoda looked at her in shock but Zobba just laughed.

"Yeah, I get that a lot," he agreed wiping a tear from his eyes. "But it's true, I was the only Nal Hutta ambassador sent to the Senate during a period where trade restrictions had gotten lax. I was there for six months before the Hutts basically cut off all formal ties with the Republic. But I still maintain quite a few contacts within the Republic to this day."

Keira looked at him surprised. "So you're like Neva?"

"Sort of," the Hutt answered. "But Neva's much more proactive. I now have a small shipping firm and when wars break out or something goes wrong for one of my workers I try and help out."

Ben Quadinaros's pod passed the lap marker still moving along at a relatively slow speed.

"Look, we're going to take you right where the action is and bring down the two lead Sepan ships and get them to communicate," stated Zoda. Zobba thought about it and nodded his head.

"Okay," he agreed. "Let's go."

The two headed for the T-16 and between them and Keira, all managed to squeeze in as the craft shakily took off into the air.

"So, head for Mos Espa?" Keira asked. Zoda shook his head along with Zobba.

"Then where?" asked Keira confused.

"Nowhere," said Zoda.

"Right here," clarified the Hutt pointing to the floor. Zoda was now reaching in his robe for something. Keira looked back out the window.

"Huh?" she asked. Zoda produced the same device from earlier that he'd plugged into Neva's pod.

"Here we go, recharged and ready to go," said the Jedi moving to the back. Keira remember what that'd done to the pod.

"You can't be serious," she said full of dread. "You can't possibly put a T-16 into orbit."

Zoda turned to face her. "I put a Nubian Bongo into orbit, this doesn't even compare."

"So saddle up!" declared Zobba as Zoda crammed the device into the vehicle's power coupler and everyone was slammed hard against what was behind them.

Race: Neva watched as the T-16 hurtled directly upwards and out of sight, its engine flame akin to a booster rocket.

"_Good, that solves that problem_," thought the diplomat pleased. But now was not the time for reflection, it was time for action.

"Follow me boys," said Neva as he moved his pod to the right of the track as Bozzie was slammed partway up the service ramp by one the mystery pods and his vehicle flipped over and crashed to the ground throwing flames everywhere.

"Up the ramp!" shouted Neva zooming straight up it.

"Are you nuts?" shouted Bumpy but he reluctantly followed suit.

"Awesome!" was Ody's response as the three pods roared up the ramp and then straight up into the open air. The pods arced through the sky and then slowly fell back to Tatooine.

"Alright I saw this done before at a previous Boonta E…previous podrace," Neva amended. "Hit your brakes!"

The three pods' engines cut out as the came closer and closer to the three pods, Wantan Eiken and the mystery racers, ahead of them.

"Boost now!" shouted Neva as the three pods rocketed forward and hit the ground directly between Eiken and the mysterious podracers. And then laser fire and thermal detonators started flying.

Space: "Cheer up Kay," said Zoda as he floated across the cockpit. "You're in the second T-16 to ever achieve orbit."

"Second?!" shouted Keira as she was holding onto her seat for dear life. Zoda nodded.

"I'd rather not go into what happened with the first," the Jedi continued before he began to realize he was starting to orbit Zobba.

"You need to cut down ZB," he commented. The Hutt blushed, embarassed.

"Well you used to keep me on my ummm…'toes' and I lost more weight hanging with you guys," the Hutt commented. Zoda nodded as Keira looked out at space beyond the windshield.

"I'm amazed we're still alive," she stated as in the distance two large dreadnaughts could be seen hammering each other.

"I think that every day," the Jedi agreed as he also saw the vessels. "Now here's where the fun begins."

"I have a bad feeling about this," Keira stated as they drifter ever closer to the fighting.

Ground: The six podracers jockeyed for position while blaster shots and thermal detonators rained everywhere.

"Ody spin left, Bumpy spin right," commanded Neva. The two podracers spun off in the different directions as Neva Kee also spun his pod around and burnt the forward engines of both pods behind him before slamming his accelerators along with Ody and Bumpy as they pulled away from the pods, further heating up the enemies' engines. But then all three had to split apart from the coming laser fire that that the Sepans shot at them.

"_Oh I wish Zoda was here,"_ Neva lamented. An explosion rocked his pod heavily and as the diplomat was getting his bearings, Zoda's lightsaber fell onto his lap. The diplomat looked at it curiously before an idea formulated in his mind and an evil smile crossed his mouth.

Space: The T-16 grew closer and closer to the fighter bay on the nearest dreadnaught.

"But I don't understand," said Keira. " Shouldn't they be able to detect us?"

Zoda nodded. "They should you're right. But the beauty of current sensor systems is that in order to ensure maximum efficiency, they're designed to not display things that shouldn't be there in the first place. There shouldn't be a T-16 in orbit so the radar will make a note of it and the person monitoring it can look at it if need be. But since we're flying in with no power because I'm using the Force, they'll think it's a bad echo reading. So we're safe."

"If you say so," said Keira doubtful. "But what about visual scanning?"

Zoda tapped his head with his finger. "The Force can be a powerful influence on the weak minded."

Keira turned to face Zobba.

"Has he ever tried this with you?" she asked. Zobba blinked and looked at Zoda who was waving his hands rapidly back and forth.

"…Yes," he said reluctantly. He really had no tact when it came to lying so he chose to tell the truth.

"And did it work?" Keira demanded, electricity seemingly emanating from her eyes. Zoda held up his three fingers on his left hand then two on his right.

"I plead the fifth!" declared Zobba crossing his arms.

Trial: "The fifth?" asked the Judge confused. "What's that?"

"Basically I can't testify against myself," the Hutt answered. The Judge looked at him perplexed.

"Never heard of that before," he commented. "So are you pleading the fifth now as well or…"

"I'll just continue with the story," said Zobba trying to avoid getting confused.

Space: "Oh look we're here," said Zoda cutting in. The T-16 slowly drifted into the bay and set down in a secluded corner. Zoda readied his lightsabers and headed for the exit.

"Be back soon," he declared. But before he could leave, Keira put herself in his path.

"I'm going with you," she stated. Zoda looked at her strangely.

"Get lost," he declared. Keira snapped her blaster out at and pointed it directly at the Jedi.

"I don't think so," she declared in response. Zoda was weighing his options about what to do when Zobba intervened.

"I think both of you going is a great idea," the Hutt said. "You'll both complement each other where there might be a failing and get the job done twice as fast."

The two looked at the Hutt and then each other and headed for the door. Zobba for his part pulled out his LCD monitor and continued to watch the race.

Race: Wantan Eiken raced past the stadium headed onto the third and final lap as behind him, Neva Kee raced through headed on his way followed by Ody and Bumpy raced through after him while the two Sepan podracers held back, biding their time for something.

"I don't like this," said Ody uncertain. "You ever get the feeling something bad is about to happen?"

"Every day," said Neva also looking around anxiously. And then a shadow fell over them and Neva's stomach settled. The Dreadnaught from one of the factions was now hovering over their heads.

"Neva?" asked Bumpy. Neva Kee closed his eyes and tried to meditate briefly before opening them.

"Yeah?" he asked. The guns on the Dreadnaught trained on them.

"This was a bad plan,"

The guns fired.

Space: Keira and Zoda moved cautiously down various corridors, hiding from the Sepans who appeared and moved when there were gone.

"All this sneaking around isn't really your style," Keira commented. Zoda seemed noncommittal at that.

"Depends on the situation," he commented. But before they could move, Zobba's voice came in over their earpieces.

"Guys we have a problem," he stated. "The other dreadnaught just appeared over the race and is hammering Neva and Eiken."

"That…complicates things," said Keira doing some calculations in her head. Zoda however was making different calculations.

"Actually it makes things easier," Zoda figured before noticing Keira's look. "During the Battle of Coruscant I saw the Chosen One expertly pilot a heavily damaged Providence-class carrier/destroyer from the upper atmosphere to the ground and landed on a specific spot to ensure minimal casualties. I think we can do that here."

Keira had no idea who 'The Chosen One' was, but she got the idea Zoda was trying to convey.

"You're going to get us both killed," she pointed out. Zoda pointed off into the distance.

"Escape pods that-a-way," he revealed before heading off. Keira angrily blew a stray strand of hair off of her face before following the Jedi. And then the Sepans found them and the fight joined.

Ground: Laser blasts ripped up everything as rocks and sand rained down everywhere. One rock in particular came crashing down on Ark's right engine taking it out…but not before he swerved into one of the two enemy podracers behind them taking it with him.

"Thanks Bumpy," Neva acknowledged. "I owe you a drink."

"You're darned right," said the other pilot. "But you'd better take out those other two first or there'll be hell to pay."

"Right," acknowledged Neva as he poured on the power and his pod moved faster than it had ever gone before with Ody in pursuit and the remaining Sepan podracer chasing after them. Given that the Dreadnaught was still peppering the area, it readily became apparent that the podracer was on the other side of the battle so to speak.

"What now oh fearless leader?" inquired Ody as they raced onto the canyon dune turn and now the Tuskens began firing at them.

"Immortality. Take it. It's yours," Neva quipped. Ody looked at Neva's pod curious and then hit the accelerator and slowly started to pull away towards Eiken. But slowly realization dawned on him about what he felt Neva Kee was really implying in his selflessness and slammed on the brakes, taking out the other Sepan podracer. Neva looked back at the flaming mass as Ody stepped out and ripped off his goggles before hauling the Sepan from the wreckage and to safety.

"I…know what it's like to be involved in a war without end," came the podracer's cryptic response. "So make sure it doesn't stay that way."

Neva nodded in response and made his way down the course after Wantan as the Dreadnaught lagged behind firing at them.

"_Easier said than done_," the diplomat realized as he weighed his options and realized he had none. Neva wasn't prone to despair but this was one of those rare instances where it was starting to seep in.

And then several things happened at once.

Wantan Eiken was so wrapped up in his arrogance over the fact that he was going to win this race that he didn't notice his pod was bearing down on the ever cautious Ben Quadinaros who was still a lap behind. Eiken had to jerk the stick and his pod rocketed to the side nearly scrapping against a side wall. It all caused the podracer to slow down and now found itself neck and neck with Neva Kee.

…And then an object streaked across the sky overhead on fire. It looked like a meteorite but behind the flames burned the six tale tell engines of a Rendili Dreadnaught were seen blazing brightly. The flaming dreadnaught plowed into the other Sepan dreadnaught and both slammed into the ground directly in front of Eiken and Neva throwing debris and damage everywhere.

"**Will you do what is necessary?**" declared Eiken, the first time he had spoken so far during this race. The two pods were now right next to each other and both racers could clearly see the other. A thousand thoughts flashed through the diplomat's head but in the end with one pure course of action ringing through his head. The diplomat turned his head and the two looked at each other eye to eye. And then a smile broke out across his face.

"Let's rock," he declared. The two podracers rocketed into the flaming wreckage.

Court: "I have to admit this is an engrossing story," the judge said. "But what is it's relevance to the issue at hand?"

Neva nodded. "Part of its relevance has already been revealed but you probably didn't think much of it. However, something else is going to come up that you won't think is relevant but is nearly the lynchpin of all that is to come."

Race: Flames and wreckage rocketed all around the two podracers as they raced through the wreckage of two exploding dreadnaughts while Sepans ran in different directions. The two podracers continued side by side as flames superheated their engines and smoke soon began pouring from them and both pods began to slow. Explosions still peppered the area as the pods slowly drew closer and closer together to avoid the flaming debris raining down everywhere.

"Tell me diplomat," came Eiken's strained voice. "Why do you care?"

"Because I feel it is the duty of every sentient being to help out those that are in need," the diplomat stated, something imparted to him once by a giant robot. Eiken thought about that before turning to the diplomat as a spiral of flames rocketed between them.

"And who is it that's going to help you?" the gun runner asked smugly. Neva tipped his head back behind him.

"They are," he said simply. Eiken looked at him curiously as Neva grinned and then the two podracers burst through the final bit of the flames and emerged into the open sun as the two dreadnaughts exploded throwing sand straight into the heavens. …And Ben Quadinaros simply covered his eyes in terror as his pod drove straight into it. And from the other end, a green blur raced across the sand dunes, a flying surfboard followed suit, and a T-16 entered into position with the podracer. Eiken growled at Keira, Zoda, and Zobba.

"This changes nothing!" he shouted. Neva shook his head disappointed.

"Ordinarily that may be true but you haven't realized one thing," he stated angrily. "I'm not in this to win; I'm here to see that you lose!"

Eiken's expression turned to horror as Zoda hopped into the air and launched the power core from earlier into Neva's hands as he leapt onto the flying surfboard that Keira was maneuvering as she kicked it away from the two podracers. Zobba then bravely flew his T-16 ahead of Neva and Eiken before slamming it down on its side, making a perfect ramp for Neva's pod as it took once more to the air.

…And came down right on top of Eiken's racer, taking out the gun runner's engines. Eiken's pod slammed into the ground and skidded to a halt. Neva's podracer only went a few more feet before the repulsors gave out and the pod unceremoniously crashed to the ground.

"Oh my head," complained Eiken bitterly. He looked up as a shadow fell over him and a pair of stuncuffs covered his wrists.

"By order of the Galactic Republic, you are under arrest," declared Zobba. Keira stepped out from behind the ambassador.

"Bet you never thought you'd hear a Hutt say that," she added wryly with an amused grin. Eiken groaned as Neva Kee and Zoda approached. The latter was hopping gingerly on his feet after having run barefoot at several thousand miles an hours across the blazing hot desert.

"You really need to wear shoes," Neva commented. Zoda looked down at Neva's bare feet and growled before his concentration broke and he continued hopping in pain.

"Well boys I'll…," began Zobba when a loud coughing noise was heard behind them. The group turned and saw a heavily charred four-engine podracer come to a halt. In the pod was a large mound of ash, which suddenly parted as Ben Quadinaros' ashy form pushed itself free. Quadinaros coughed heavily before removing his goggles, leaving two non-ashy circles on his face, and slumped over the edge of his pod exhausted.

"Oh," he said seeing the others for the first time. But he made no attempt to move and continued laying there as Zobba's LCD monitor crackled to life.

"Ladies and Gentlemen we are pleased to reveal that the winner of the perennial Boonta Eve Classic has been decided!" came the announcer's ecstatic voice. Everyone craned their heads to hear this, even Quadinaros who now sat up in his seat.

"Due to every other podracer either crashing or worse, the winner is effectively the last man standing and that individual's name is Ben Quadinaros!" shouted the announcer. Neva, Zobba, and Keira's jaws dropped at that while Zoda just looked insightful. Ben for his part elicited another 'oh' and then passed out in his pod.

"Well bye guys," said Zobba dragging off Eiken to the T-16. "I'll either be back at some point or I won't."

"Bye ZB," said Neva before turning to Zoda who was still pondering something.

"You know you're not as shook up about me loosing than I would've thought," the diplomat felt the need to point out. The Jedi grinned.

"I'm sure the shock'll hit me later," the Jedi said lightly. The diplomat nodded.

"So what now?" asked Keira now that the quartet was once more a trio.

"Well since Zobba just left with our only working transportation, we walk from here," said Neva Kee taking out his sunglasses and sliding them on. Keira watched with a sinking heart as the T-16 righted itself and vanished off into the distance. She looked back helpless as Zoda used the Force to place the pod on the surfboard as it sunk low to the ground but still barely hovered. Zoda and Neva affixed tow cables to it and began dragging the pod slowly across the ground Keira sighed and walked back to the pod and grabbed another tow cable and began pulling it with them.

"Like old times," Keira reminisced before wincing in pain at having to pull the heavy craft. The two others nodded in agreement and continued pulling when several silhouettes appeared from beyond the twin suns. The trio watched them cautiously before the silhouettes resolved themselves into Zoda's class.

"Need a hand?" they stated. Zoda nodded as the class grabbed their own lines and now the pod moved faster across the desert while behind them news crews descended on the hapless and unconscious Ben Quadinaros.

Later: "Muwahahaha," said Zoda counting his credits happily. He had just left the booking area and rejoined Keira and Neva.

"You cannot be serious," said Keira in clear disbelief. "You seriously put money on Ben Quadinaros?!"

"Yeah," said Zoda laughing hysterically. "And boy did it pay off. Money, money, money!"

"And you didn't bet on me because?" asked Neva feigning hurt.

"Because I was on your team and I couldn't really officially bet on you. Besides, even if I somehow could I'm not going to end up like Pete Ro-," began Zoda before Neva held up his hand.

"In summation, I knew your morals would cause you to loose," said Zoda tearing off away from them. Keira and Neva watched him leave in silence.

"So did he earn enough to get you off world?" asked Keira curious. The diplomat shook his head.

"No, Zoda usually only carries three truguts on him at all times and he only bets one of them," he answered. "He's got some, but not enough to do anything with them for now."

The two headed off back to the transport to return them to Tatooine U.

Trial: "And so it continues," Neva finished for this leg of the story.


	11. Dimensions in Time

A/N: This chapter was inspired by the birthday of Peter Weller who turned 61 on June 24th.

The school: Zoda sat in his chair at the front of the class leafing through a magazine as the students were taking an exam. In order to discourage cheating he told them that the Force would let him know if they were. Or so he figured, he didn't know for certain if that was true but Grand Moff Tarkin always said to rule through fear of force than through actual force. Of course he wouldn't say that for a few hundred years but time was relative for himself and Neva.

But the bell snapped him out of his reverie as the students turned in their exams and left for the day. As the last one left and the sounds of landspeeders powering up was heard, Neva wandered into the classroom.

"What now Z?" he asked as Zoda picked up his guitar and absent mindedly strummed a couple notes on it. The Jedi shrugged and instead diverted his attention to the window and the suns slowly setting in the distance.

"Yeah, I know," the diplomat agreed. The urge to keep moving was strong in both of them and that they'd managed to stay in Tatooine for as long as they had already, was a miracle in and of itself.

"Well if you have any ideas I'm all ears," Neva admitted. Zoda shrugged again and headed out of the room with his guitar. The two emerged in the daylight sun and Zoda looked around curiously before turning to Neva.

"She's dealing with the Sepan's destroyed Dreadnaughts," the diplomat answered. She hadn't been happy about it, but at least the Sepans had agreed to put off their hostilities for awhile since Eiken had been arrested. Zoda for his part absently kicked a nearby can with his foot before looking at the twin suns and sighing.

…And then their attention was diverted by a strange crackling noise. The two aliens looked curiously as electricity seemed to ark all around them before coalescing in a single point.

**BOOOOOOM!!**

Neva Kee and Zoda were thrown off of their feet from the resulting shockwave as a strange four wheeled vehicle emerged from out of nowhere before coming to a halt near them. The vehicle was emblazing with one word on the front grill: Ford, and had a strange series of Thrust Engineering series rocket boosters and other devices sticking out of the bed on the read end. Neva Kee and Zoda eyed the car quizzically before the driver's side door opened and a scraggly brown haired man emerged from the vehicle and looked around before noticing the two aliens.

"Neva! Zoda!" he said ecstatically. "Man I'm glad to see some familiar faces this time around after leaving the eighth dimension."

"Buckaroo?" asked Neva and Zoda at a loss. Buckazoo Banzai, earthling, flashed them his trademark self-assured smile. The two aliens looked at the truck and then back.

"Where're the Hong Kong Cavaliers?" they asked in reference to Buck's band. Buck gave them a lopsided smirk this time.

"The Jet Car's not really equipped for multiple passengers and so we're trying out various Oscillation Overthrusters on larger vehicles so we can jam across the cosmos and dimensions," Buck answered. "Speaking of which…"

Buck took Zoda's guitar, played a few notes and then tightened the tuners at the top of his guitar before handing it back to him.

"Thanks," the Jedi admitted before slinging it behind him. "But how did you find us out of all the places you could've gone to across the multiverse?"

"Beats me," conceded Buck. "I'm interested in finding out, but at the same time it's just as well since I can't recall the last time we went on an adventure together."

"Uh-huh," said Neva deadpan. Buck's head dropped.

"Those poor Zorgons," he admitted. "But you were right about Yoyodyne. The Lectroids did come when I first test fired this baby."

Zoda shot him a thumb's up briefly.

"Well I'm parched, got anything to drink?" asked Buckaroo noting the scorching desert air.

"Not around here," Neva commented. Buckaroo turned his attention to Mos Mos.

"There perhaps?" he inquired with a knowing grin. The two aliens nodded and all three piled into the Jet Car as Buckaroo threw it into gear and roared off towards the town. As it did, it passed Keira in her hovercar that was headed towards the school. The insurance investigator eyed the vehicle oddly before sighing and throwing the hovercar around and roaring after them.

"Hey Z?" asked Buckaroo looking at the hovercar through the rearview mirror. "Want to give them a run for their money?"

"But wouldn't the Oscillation Overthruster…," began Neva. Banzai shook his head.

"No, it needs to recharge but the rocket engine works just fine," commented the neurosurgeon. "So let's rock and roll!"

Zoda tightened his seatbelt as Neva did the same and then Zoda reached out with his hand and used the Force to flick the ignition switch as the jet engine roared to life and the car took off at the speed of sound.

Mos Mos: Neva Kee, Zoda and Buckaroo were in the bar as Zoda ate hungrily and Neva just sat there with his water and Buckaroo was sampling the various drinks and foods.

"So this is the galaxy where you're from?" said Buckaroo looking around. "Very…alieny."

"At least you didn't go mad like the last earthling who somehow found their way here," Neva commented. "We had to drop him off in an insane asylum back on Earth."

"Even despite _A New Hope_?" Buckaroo pointed out. "I'd think with a film based on the events that happened here…"

"Only Baron Papanoida is sane enough to walk in both worlds," Neva revealed before seeing Buckaroo's doubtful expression. "If we were to stay too long on Earth we'd go mad and you will too if you stay here too long."

"If you say so," said Buckaroo doubtful. At that point Keira entered into the bar, sand caked all over her body.

"Why did you two take off in such a hurry?" she demanded in a huff. Buckaroo leaned forward.

"That was partially my fault, sorry," he apologized before adding smoothly. "But if I'd known such a lovely lady was onboard…"

Keira cocked an eyebrow at him before leaning close to Zoda. "Is he on the level?"

"More or less," the Jedi answered taking a sip from his drink. Buckaroo looked thoughtful at her rejection of him.

"Why didn't that work? Usually when I say that line, a woman becomes as smooth as butter," he declared, very un-PC.

"You're not in your home universe, that's why," answered Neva. "That and Keira doesn't seem like she'd just swoon over anybody."

"Nuts," said Buckaroo disappointed. "So what else is there to see around here?"

"Well we could…," began Neva when Buckaroo immediately got up.

"Just a minute," he said, taking Zoda's axe and then got on stage and pushed the Bith bandleader to the side. He then spoke some words to the band and then busted out in a lengthy guitar riff as the Biths played along. The crowd instantly got into it by clapping and cheering.

"So is this rock and roll?" asked Keira curious. Neva Kee and Zoda nodded.

"Straight from Earth and the Hong Kong Cavaliers," they both stated. Buckaroo finished up his set and waved to the audience who wanted to hear more. But, he ultimately backed down and got off the stage as the Bith returned to their normal music.

"Sorry, opportunity was knocking," Buckaroo apologized. Neva and Zoda nodded.

"You're always so good at fitting in," Neva Kee observed. Buckaroo smiled.

"Like I always say," he started. "No matter where you go, there you are."

"Yeah, yeah," Zoda grumbled. "Let's just go."

The trio paid for their food and then left with Keira and all got near the Jet Car as Zoda chased off the Jawas eyeing it before returning to the vehicle.

"So how are we supposed to get you home?" asked Neva leaning against the driver's side door as Zoda leaned against the passenger side door.

"I've thought about that while I was onstage," Buckaroo admitted. "I think it's almost like a zipper being dragged across like a magnet. In fact…"

Before Buckaroo could finish, electricity arced through the air around the truck. Zoda and Neva Kee looked around curiously when the electricity started wrapping around them.

"Get down!" shouted Buckaroo tackling Keira as the electricity shot towards the truck and a massive explosion ripped through the air of Mos Mos blowing sand and debris everywhere. Keira coughed heavily as Buckaroo looked around trying to gauge their surroundings as the sand and debris cleared.

"No…," said Keira with a feeling of dread. Neva Kee, Zoda and the Jet Car had vanished from the city street, leaving only a smoking rear license plate from the car itself.

Trial: "I'm guessing you didn't die," the Judge said dryly.

"A shame," quipped IG-24, resting his conical head against his hand on his new desk.

"Yeah, we didn't," Neva agreed. "Though if we had, Galactic Law no longer allows trials for ghosts."

"Ha, ha, screw you litigious Force ghosts!" said Zoda pleased.

"So where did you wind up?" asked the Judge.

"Well, it wasn't so much a where but a when," the diplomat answered mysteriously.

Tatooine: "What the?" commented Zoda looking around confused. Citizens were running everywhere for their lives as Sentinel-class landing craft soared overhead.

"Zoda, we're not in Kansas anymore," Neva Kee stated. "Let's get out of here while we still can."

The two quickly switched spots so Neva hopped into the passenger seat and Zoda the driver's side as he threw the car into gear with the Force and it took off out of the city limits and onto the open desert.

"Back to the school?" asked Zoda. Neva shook his head as laser blasts tore overhead with four X-Wings moving past followed by several Tie Fighters.

"No, head for Mos Eisley and step on it," he ordered. Zoda slammed the switch and the rocket engines activated and the vehicle blasted off towards the battle.

Some other time: Buckaroo took a sample of the scorched sand and took it over to an outside table where Keira was sitting with a chemistry set that he had charmed the storekeeper into giving him for free.

"Well the good news is that I don't believe they're dead," Buckaroo noted as he applied various chemicals to the sand and monitored the results. "I just think they got transported somewhere else, the car didn't just explode."

"By an enemy?" asked Keira, partly relieved at that prospect but still concerned nonetheless. Buckaroo shook his head.

"No, I think it has more to do with what brought me here," Buckaroo figured leaning back in his chair. "I think the Jet Car was attracted to Neva and Zoda and that when they both came into contact with the vehicle by themselves near the Oscillation Overthruster, it set it off and transported them out of here."

"I'm going to pretend that made sense," Keira stated. "So where are they now?"

"The future I guess," commented Buckaroo. "I was originally intending to travel through the Eighth Dimension, to go forward in time, but got drawn here into the past so I think the car is now there like it was supposed to be."

"So what do we do now, wait?" asked Keira mockingly. Buckaroo shrugged.

"You do insurance right? I'm sure we can do some traveling until they return or when we catch up with them," Buckaroo figured. Lightning started crackling again.

"Oh, look they're back," said Buckaroo pleased. Several humanoid creatures emerged from out of thin air with laser guns at the ready.

"Oh great…," began Buckaroo ripping a toothpick from his mouth and flicking it to the side.

Future: "Lectroids," Zoda complained. A Red Lectroid ship was crashed in the middle of Mos Eisley firing projectiles at flying X-Wings, Ties, Sentinels, and nearby AT-STs.

Trial: "Lectroids?" asked the Judge at a loss.

"To hell with Lectroids, future events are inadmissible as evidence," stated IG-24. Zoda nodded.

"Which is the crux actually of the case against us," he stated before declaring. "Mistrial!"

"Oh you're not getting off that easy!" declared IG-24. "But you screwed up in the past so continue with your story and whatever you did that affected the past is what's to be admitted to the record."

The Judge twirled the gavel in his hand. "Just out of curiosity, why _is_ future evidence inadmissible?"

"Because these two jokers traveled into the future, got their hands on the record from a trial in the past that they were going to be in, and not only prepped for the case but prevented the events that caused the case to arise in the first place!" declared IG-24, steamed both inside and out.

"Lectroids?" asked the Judge for his original question.

"Beings from the eighth dimension," answered Zoda. "Neva and I accidentally broke into their dimension awhile back and then Buckaroo had his own separate encounter with them. By having being in there, and the Jet Car having gone through it, it got attracted to us like a zipper being pulled by a magnet due to the radiation the eighth dimension gives off. Then we touched the car and it bounced us to when the Lectroids had also appeared in this galaxy."

The Judge turned to IG-24. "So we can admit that the Lectroids exist."

"Evidently, given that _something_ invaded Mos Mos during the time period they specified," IG-24 was forced to admit.

"Continue," ordered the Judge.

The past: Buckaroo and Keira ran around a corner as laser blasts ripped past them. Buckaroo pulled out his six-shooter and fired off a couple shots before the gun clicked empty. Buckaroo snapped the chamber open and found nothing before fishing around in his pocket and revealing a single bullet.

"You got any more?" asked Buckaroo referring to the bullet. Keira shrugged.

"Depends," she answered. "What's that?"

"Great," Buckaroo groaned before snapping the chamber back into place and firing off one last shot and holstering the weapon.

"Got a gun?" asked Buckaroo. Keira snapped out a blaster and twirled it on her finger before handing it to Buckaroo who looked it over.

"Oh what the hell," he stated and then fired, only to completely miss the target. "And this is going to take some getting used to."

Keira and Buckaroo ran off.

Future: An AT-ST went up in a geyser of flames before plummeting to the ground. Just before it hit the ground, the Jet Car rocketed by underneath it and into the city proper. Around them, regular civilians streamed by in their vehicles or on foot to leave the city. The more disreputable members though either looted the city or attacked the downed Lectroid ship. A trio of Y-Wings flew in overhead and carpet bombed the entire area before pulling off into a stationary pattern overhead as laser blasts routinely surged out of the Lectroid ship into the air around it.

"Pull over here," ordered Neva Kee as a wall of flames ripped from one side of the roadway to the next. Zoda drove the Jet Car into a nearby alley and the vehicle came to a halt before both hopped out and went back onto the street.

"Better pocket the Oscillation Overthruster," Neva declared as Zoda ran back and retrieved the device from the vehicle and returned. The two then walked down the road towards the Lectroid ship. Zoda pulled out his hilts but Neva stopped him before he could activate them.

"Until we know when we are, you're not flashing off any Jedi powers," declared Neva. "The last thing I need is Darth Vader dropping in on us."

Zoda twirled around his hilts. "I could take him."

Neva laughed before adding ruefully. "I'll bet you could."

Zoda blinked at him. "You doubt I could do it?"

"What I think doesn't matter," Neva declared. "The point is that Luke Skywalker defeats Darth Vader and I'm not going to risk you screwing that up and plunge the galaxy into an alternate reality. I'm not going to go into the last alternate reality you created because it didn't end well."

Zoda's head snapped towards him at that as they quietly entered into the Lectroid ship.

"What was wrong with _The Wrath of Zoda_?" demanded the eponymous title character.

"That was _not_ how Ep. I should've been," Neva declared as they walked down various corridors. Zoda rolled his eyes at that.

"That was apologized for in the sequel!" the Jedi declared. It was now Neva's turn to grimace.

"Don't bring up that story either," he ordered. "They were both stupid, the sequel more so than the former."

The two paused as they briefly hid from a group of Lectroids and then resumed their course.

"You're just mad because you weren't in either one," the Jedi decided. Neva nodded.

"It's one redeeming feature," he agreed. "Now let's find their overthruster and kick them back home to their own dimension."

"Right on," agreed the Jedi as they continued their walk.

Past: Keira capped off a couple of shots as Buckaroo ran around the various junk dealers looking for some bullets.

"Nothing!" he complained bitterly, despite himself. "Some of the stuff in those places looks completely ancient based on the carbon scoring, yet still no bullets. Neva was right, this place will drive you mad after awhile."

"Perhaps," Keira decided. "But I love it here all the same. Earth is where all the madness is."

"Yeah…," began Buckaroo as a laser blast ripped off a chunk of durasteel near them. "How did you get there, with Neva and Zoda?"

Keira nodded as the two moved down a couple of alleyways before the two hid in an entryway as a Lectroid shuttle moved past overhead.

"I wonder…," Buckaroo considered. "Do they have a place around here?"

Keira nodded as the two continued onwards. "Yeah, out at their farm."

"I need to get there now," Buckaroo insisted. "Besides, it'd lessen civilian casualties if we're out of the city."

"Right," said Keira agreeing with him. The two made their way back to the bar and quickly got into the landspeeder and took off, the Lectroids having recognized their enemy and were ready to eliminate him.

"I have a theory," Buckaroo decided as a laser blast ripped off a chunk of the dirt next to them. "I'm betting these jokers followed me on by path through the eighth dimension but Neva and Zoda interrupted the experiment and their group must've been split in half. The early foot soldiers and their pod wound up in this time frame and I think their ship wound up in some other time, which is where Neva and Zoda just bounced off to."

"Do you get paid for making this nonsense up?"

Buckaroo groaned. "Just keep driving."

Future: Neva Kee and Zoda had just reached the Oscillation Overthruster when a group of Lectroids surrounded them.

"Hey Johnnies, what's up?" asked Zoda twirling out his lightsabers and holding them at the ready.

"Zoda, Neva Kee," acknowledged John Two-Step. "It's been awhile. Whatever your plans are, they won't work."

Zoda meanwhile was now concentrating on the Oscillation Overthruster. And then his concentration stopped.

"He's right, let's go," Zoda declared. Neva nodded and the two hurried out the door to the surprise of John and his fellow aliens.

"Stop-!" began the Lectroid when…

CRRRAASSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

The Jet Car crashed through the side wall and came to a halt with Neva and Zoda in it.

"Honk, honk!" declared the Jedi sticking his head out the window before slamming on the horn.

"You won't win Jedi!" declared John Two-Step as he and the other Lectroids covered their ears. And then silence abruptly fell on the room before a beam shot out from the Jet Car and onto the Oscillation Overthruster on the Lectroid ship.

"Game over," began Zoda with a maniacal grin on his face.

"You loose!" finished Neva. The beam linked the two Overthrusters together and the whole kit and caboodle was flung back into the eighth dimension.

The past: Laser blasts tore up the area around the moisture farm as Treadwell zoomed around the vaporators for its own safety.

"Guess they're never getting off the planet now," Keira lamented as a vaporator exploded. She was hiding just inside the passageway to the underground living area as Buckaroo tore the place apart looking for bullets.

"You have got to be kidding me, where are they?" demanded Buckaroo getting frustrated with each turn. Keira watched him go at it briefly before returning her attention to the maelstrom outside.

"I don't think they even own any of whatever it is you're looking for," she commented. The insurance agent then capped off a couple of shots to keep the Lectroid Pod from vaporizing Treadwell. Treadwell then raced into the open entryway and landed in a heap on the bottom of the living area.

"Pod's coming down," Keira noted looking out at the Lectroid ship. It set down and Keira readied herself for a last stand as Buckaroo picked up a rock off the ground and held it in his hand.

"Just like the Alamo," stated Buckaroo and then clarified for Keira. "Last stand for a group of Texans against Santa Anna. They all died. Well…most of them. I imagine they'll let Treadwell go in our case."

"Alamo?" Keira stated thinking hard. "With David Crockett, Jim Bowie, and William Travis?"

"How did you know that?" Buckaroo demanded as the Lectroids piled out of their ship and assumed marching ranks.

"Neva and Zoda would sometimes talk about how they were both there," she revealed. "They had to take off before the final battle because finding two dead alien bodies would've thrown the whole world into chaos."

"Interesting," said Buckaroo before nodding at the troops. "Here they-!"

THHHOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!

An explosion tore through the air once more throwing sand and dust into the heavens before the Jet Car ripped through it and came to a halt right in front of the two of them, the Lectroid pod and its crew sucked back to their home dimension.

"And where've you two been?" demanded Keira not missing a beat. Zoda had a bag of potato chips that he was slowly eating.

"Getting groceries," he answered nonchalantly as Neva took out a paper bag full of food. "And don't worry Buckaroo because it's got a full tank of gas and rocket fuel."

"Good," said Buckaroo walking past them and getting into the vehicle. "Well thanks for one more exciting adventure across the eighth dimension."

Neva Kee and Zoda both gave him a light salute and headed for the farm exhausted.

"Oh and Keira, last chance to come with," Buckaroo offered with a mild grin. Keira chuckled to herself.

"Go to hell," she said lightly. Buckaroo laughed.

"You may go to hell, I will go to Texas," he quoted, watching Neva Kee and Zoda. It got the reaction he expected as both froze in their tracks.

"I expect to hear that story sometime," he declared before jetting off and re-entering the eighth dimension for home. And Buckaroo Banzai was gone. Keira shrugged it off and joined the two aliens.

"Those Lectroids aren't coming back are they?" she asked. Both shook their heads as Zoda produced a small device from his robe.

"We made off with their Overthruster," he answered and the two entered into the hut in silence. Keira followed confused at their attitude as down below, the two lifted up Treadwell.

"Buckaroo was looking for some bullets but he couldn't find any and I didn't know where they were," she revealed as the place was torn apart. Neva and Zoda both smirked at that.

"He just asked the wrong individual then," they stated cryptically. And then shotguns, handguns, and bullets all appeared in compartments that popped out of Treadwell. Keira was surprised at that, and then figured that was why Treadwell had all the weaponry to begin with. And then just like that the weaponry was gone, back into the robot.

"So…," began Neva as he began straightening out the place and Zoda began working on the Oscillation Overthruster. "What'd we miss?"


	12. Attorneys at Law

Farm: Neva, Zoda, Keira, and Treadwell all sat clustered around the main table as the diplomat ascertained their monetary situation.

"Well on a more positive note we're doing better than I expected," he concluded. The diplomat had on a clear plastic visor and a pair of glasses to imitate the stereotypical accountant.

"Which is where exactly?" asked Keira ruefully.

"Broke," the diplomat admitted with a broad grin, leaning back in his chair. Treadwell's eye units dropped at that.

"So what now?" continued Keira. "That teaching job sure didn't pay very well."

"Which reminds me, we owe the Professor a final lecture at some point," Zoda chimed in. Neva nodded and then clasped his hands in front of his face as all thought about what they could do to increase their monetary assets.

"We could always sell Keira into slavery," Zoda offered. Keira didn't even dignify that with a response as her head slumped onto the table defeated.

"Treadwell for parts?" figured Zoda. Treadwell quickly spun his treads but that was it from the robot.

"Old Faith-," began Zoda when Neva snapped his attention to look at him.

"You leave that vaporator alone!" he declared. That got a stifled giggle out of Keira, whose head was still on the table. With no other options, Neva came to the only conclusion he could.

"Let's go golfing," he declared as the two grabbed their clubs and headed for the exit as Keira grabbed hers and Treadwell watched them leave, saddened.

"You coming TW?" asked Zoda offhand. The robot chased after them, but as it emerged into the sunlight, it noticed the others were confronted by a robed individual.

"Are you Neva Kee and Zoda?" said the individual. Neva nodded and Zoda just extended his dueling sabers in response.

"That's right," said Neva with diplomacy. "How can we help you?"

"Are you still in the employ of ZOD?" asked the person. It was a reference to Zoda On Demand, Neva and Zoda's multipurpose company that primarily handled construction.

"From time to time," Neva revealed. "Are you in need of some form of…"

"Material location and retrieval," the individual asserted and then produced a briefcase. "First payment in advance as required."

The briefcase fell on the ground and then slid over invisible towards Zoda who popped it open and began counting the credits. He then did some calculations in his head and then shut the suitcase shut.

"Unfortunately, at the moment we're rather confined to Tatooine," Neva was forced to admit. The individual nodded.

"Yes, we have been appraised of your situation and the target is indeed located on this planetary body," the individual revealed. The next thing the individual produced from their robes was a dossier that they handed to Neva Kee who opened it up and looked at the documents intently. The images on them displayed an ancient relic upon which Neva immediately snapped the dossier closed.

"We're not wasting out time on a wild bantha chase," he declared and prepared to leave when the individual spoke up.

"We know where it is, we need you to go and get it. Though we are aware if it's not there, that the upfront fee is still yours," the individual mentioned. Neva Kee and Zoda snapped on their shades and left.

"Aren't you going to ask who I'm working for?" asked the individual. Neva turned and slowly shook his head.

"No, but if I find out you're using this totem for wrong, you'll regret it," he said harshly. Zoda twirled his lightsabers in his hands and then shut them off before the quartet boarded the golf cart and it roared off leaving the robed person behind.

Trial: "What kind of Totem?" asked the Judge curious. Neva looked up at him sadly.

"Think about the situation we're in now and think about what ancient relic on Tatooine might be related," the diplomat pointed out. After a couple moments thought, all the color drained from the Judge's face.

"Oh…," said the Judge about to be sick. "I think we should take a brief recess while I compose myself."

"Your honor I-," began IG-24 wanting to protest when the Judge glared daggers at him. The droid silently backed down.

"Can I trust you two not to go anywhere?" the Judge asked of the two defendants. Zoda shot him a slick smile.

"In this storm?" he asked wryly as a thunderbolt was heard outside. The judge fled the courtroom to return to the study. The two aliens left the stand and followed the rest of the individuals in the room in silence to the dining hall. Everyone ordered something and then Neva Kee, Zoda and Zobba sat at IG-24's table.

"Is there something I can help you with?" the droid glowered. They each shook their heads.

"Just want to have an honest conversation is all," Neva asked for as he bit into his sandwich. IG-24s processors considered this request and then decided he had no reason to go against it.

"Very well, what is it you wish to discuss?"

"I just want to say you look a lot like IG-88," Zoda pointed out before Neva slapped him across the chest.

"Let me guess, a future model?" the droid figured, given the time travel escapade the two had just went on, it stood to reason it wasn't the first time they'd jumped through time.

"Yeah," Zoda admitted sheepishly at possibly having altered the future in some small way. "But hey, you're the first droid lawyer I know and an assassin-droid too no less."

"That is what happens when your former owner was a lawyer who made too many enemies to go without protection," the droid offered as background information.

"Yeah, I knew Starkiller back in the old days of galactic law," Neva confessed. "He was a good man, I was sad to hear of his passing."

"Myself as well," Zobba agreed. "He was a good colleague…and a good friend."

Zoda was the only one silent, he merely nodded his head in assent. The Judge reappeared at their table and also took a seat.

"What're we talking about?" he inquired.

"Starkiller," Neva answered. The Judge nodded his head and then turned to Zoda.

"Was that you at his funeral or another member of your species?" he asked.

"It was me," Zoda acknowledged softly to everyone's surprise. "I…owed him a favor. He told me the only way he could collect without something bad happening was to attend his funeral. And so I did."

"Hmmm," said Neva at a loss. But it wasn't his place to pry so he didn't.

"So…since we're having some small talk maybe we can discuss where this case is headed," the Judge began as he took out his paperwork and laid it on the table. It was full of notes scribbled on them along with other pieces to help aid his decision.

"Well first I thought we'd-," began the Judge when the door to the outside burst open and wind and rain swept into the room as a drenched figure in a spandex outfit and a red mask entered into the room dragging a large piece of machinery with him.

"I have come for the crest on Birdman's helmet for I am X THE ELMINATOR!" the man cackled. Everyone looked at this newcomer briefly before returning to their conversations.

"Birdman where are you?" demanded X the Eliminator as he ran around the room looking for his nemesis, the ace attorney Harvey Birdman.

"This day just keeps getting stranger," the Judge commented before also returning to his notes. Neva meanwhile vacated his seat and went over to talk to the newcomer.

"So what are you planning to charge us with since the law doesn't exactly exist on Tatooine?" Zoda asked of IG-24 before slurping on some noodles. Neva and X had started arguing over Birdman's crest.

"Reckless endangerment mainly," the droid nonchalantly admitted. "I wish there were charges for the rest of what you did but sadly there aren't."

"Yeah, we get that a lot during court discovery against us," Zoda agreed. "Mostly we settle out of court because of how mind boggling the cases usually are."

IG-24 nodded as the Judge butted in.

"Has anyone actually tried to go forward with a case against you?" he asked. Zoda nodded.

"Tried, being the imperative word," the Jedi admitted with great reluctance. "They've mainly ended in mistrials but once we had a trial go on for a good ten years and I kept hoping the case would actually be resolved in court. But the lawyer was forced into mandatory retirement at the very end before he could give his closing argument and the case was a bust."

"Oh…," said the Judge before it hit him. "Wait, that lawyer was Starkiller wasn't it?"

Zoda tipped his head in deference to the former lawyer. X the Eliminator was now holding a plug in his hand and was desperately searching for an electrical outlet. Neva just followed him, still arguing his point, whatever it was.

"That is why I vow to crush you," said IG-24 clenching his claws shut. "No offense."

"None taken," Zoda responded. "It's what he would've wanted."

IG-24 nodded as best he could with a conical head.

The Judge looked around at the others, especially this X the Eliminator character, who had finally plugged in his cord and now as waiting for his device to slowly charge up as Neva still kept arguing with him. Based on what little could be heard, the diplomat was arguing that X was in the wrong fandom, whatever that meant.

"Oh to hell with waiting to go back to the courtroom, do you want to continue your story?" the Judge asked. Zoda shrugged.

"Sure, why not," he began. "So where were we, back at the golf cart…"

Dune Sea: "This is a mistake," the Jedi declared looking at the dossier of the totem. "This thing can only cause trouble."

"What is it?" asked Keira in the back. Zod was about to hand her the dossier when Neva stopped him.

"Let's wait until we find the thing, no use panicking you now," he stated, driving the cart towards their destination. Zoda produced his fedora from underneath the seat and placed it on his head.

"Do you even think we're going to find it?" continued the green alien. Neva thought about it.

"Maybe," he said. "Hopefully things don't end as badly as when we stumbled across those Crystal Skullian archaeologists."

Zoda looked annoyed at that. "Lousy aliens not knowing how to use a turn signal… It's not my fault I ran them out off the skies and it's a miracle we both didn't crash into El Dorado."

"Now what are you two going on about?" asked Keira with Treadwell apparently shaking its head unit in shame.

"And I fixed their stupid ship, I don't know why they were still mad at us," Zoda declared with his hands outstretched before turning to the diplomat. "What happened to them anyway after they chased us away?"

Neva blew out some air in a grunt. "They became worshipped by the local population as gods. And remember how when we briefly located the Ark of the Covenant how you wondered why R2 and 3PO were on the side wall of the Well of Souls? Take a wild guess what they did with the information they stole form our databanks."

"Figures," Zoda groaned. "They did seem to have a superiority complex about them."

Keira rolled her eyes at them before sneakily taking the dossier from between the seats and looking through it with Treadwell. The scan showed a strange blue totem sitting atop a pedestal with the label: Aquifyning Rod. And aside from a map with an X on it, that was really all there was.

"Guess we'll have to find out together," she figured as the droid nodded in agreement before she slipped the dossier back onto the front seat.

"So…," she said turning to the droid. "How's your day been?"

Treadwell looked at her silently as Keira sighed and placed her chin on her hand waiting for them to get to their destination.

Dining hall: "For the record, please don't tell us where you found the totem," the Judge pleaded. Zoda nodded as Neva unplugged X's device only for the Eliminator to wrestle it away from him and plug it in a higher outlet that Neva couldn't reach.

Later: "I guess this is it," Zoda commented as the golf cart came to a halt. A temple seemingly made entirely out of sand arose from the desert in front of them, where there had just been empty desert before.

"Oh, terrific," said Neva frustrated with this new development. Keira looked at this new development perplexed.

"I have a bad feeling about this," she felt the need to say. The two aliens looked at her from behind their shades before turning to each other.

"What do you think Marcus?" asked Zoda.

"We're screwed Indy," came the knowing response. The two looked at the temple and then Zoda turned to Treadwell.

"Pull!" he ordered. An old revolver flew out of a panel on the droid and into Zoda's hand and immediately holstered it.

"Let's go," said the Jedi. The quartet headed for the temple in silence.

Later: "So what are the odds that nobody would just accidentally stumble on this area since this totem went missing?" Keira asked as they were climbing the sand steps of the pyramid. Zoda was hovering Treadwell behind them with the Force.

"Actually, there is a rationale behind why this temple just rose up in front of us but it's really not relevant to finding the item in question," Neva answered. "And besides, this thing can only cause trouble. People don't just go looking for it unless they hire someone else to find it or are just plain stupid."

"Well that certainly sounds like us," Keira joked before sighing. "Guys, I didn't want to bring this up earlier but…"

"You've got to get going," Neva acknowledged. "It happens."

"Yeah, but…life is so mundane when you guys aren't around," she pointed out as they reached the top and ventured within.

"You can always take Treadwell with you, he's a barrel of laughs," offered Zoda. Treadwell revved his servos angrily at that statement.

"Oh cheer up at least she'd treat you better," the Jedi rebutted. Treadwell didn't have a response for that.

"I can't really afford a droid on my salary anyway," Keira admitted. The group ventured further inwards.

"Well wherever the future takes you, enjoy it," Neva advised of her looking around the various corridors while consulting his map.

"Yeah, Force be with you and all that jazz," Zoda felt the need to add. The trio continued down into the lower levels of the pyramid.

"I'm sure I'll see you two again," Keira figured. Neva shrugged.

"Maybe," he offered noncommittally. The group was now on the bottom level of the pyramid.

"This place doesn't really have a lot of traps does it?" Zoda remarked offhand. Treadwell rolled past covered in darts, arrows, and spears.

"AAAH, it's Forrestal!" shouted Zoda at him. Neva groaned before looking ahead.

"Well there's the idol at any rate," he commented. The quartet looked ahead at the blue totem.

"Why does it look like water?" asked Keira confused and apprehensive. The totem seemed to ripple, the only thing solid on it being a tiny black marble in the middle.

"Because it _is_ water," Neva stated. "That thing is ancient and nobody real knows how it exists only that it does. It can locate large reserves of water deep below the planet's surface. For any planet that'd be worthless, but for Tatooine…"

Trial: "So is this how...," began the Judge with trepidation. Zoda held up his hand to stop him.

"It played a major role yes, but it's not over till it's over," the Jedi when a gloved fist crashed down on the table.

"I demand to know where Birdman is!" demanded X the Eliminator as Neva sat down in his seat in a huff. He pointed at Zoda then immediately pointed to X whom Zoda immediately tackled.

"So what's up?" asked Neva returning to his noodles.

"Zoda was filling us in on how you got the idol," said the Judge. Neva nodded before reaching into his pocket and producing the idol itself before spinning it on his finger and offering it to Zobba.

"For you old friend, I know how you've wanted it for your collection," the diplomat said as Zobba cradled the object. The Hutt immediately beamed brightly at the gift.

"Thank you Neva," he said hugging the thing. The Judge and IG-24 looked at the item with dread.

"You are to remove that item from this planet immediately upon cessation of this trial," the Judge ordered. Zobba nodded as he placed the totem on the table and pointed the strange blue water creature at the group.

"What kind of creature is that anyway?" the Judge asked looking at the thing. Neva turned his attention to the object and shrugged.

"Not a clue," he confessed. "I mean we've all heard the legend of the Aquifyning Rod but who's to say how much is real and how much is made up."

"Still, you seem to have proved that it really works," the Judge admitted dryly. Neva gave an awkward look at him.

"I think for the sake of this trial and the record that it should read that it _doesn't_ work," he felt the urge to say. The Judge looked at IG-24 who moved his body in the approximation of a nod.

"Agreed," the Judge approved. "Not if you would continue…"

Pyramid: "So who's going to go get it?" asked Neva as the group sat in a circle deciding what to do.

"Well I don't have a vested interest in the item at all so that counts me out," Keira figured. "But I still don't see why you don't just use the Force to float the object to you."

The three others looked at her in shock.

"But that's not how it's done," said Neva softly. "There's a rhythm to these things. We carefully cross the trap filled floor, reach the totem, fail to thwart the pressure sensor, and then haul butt out of here before the temple kills us."

"Pull!" ordered Zoda as a bullwhip flew through the air from Treadwell and into his hand.

"You know Baron Papanoida and Senator Grebleips have every right to sue us for this," Neva commented.

"You hush," ordered the Jedi. He then picked up Treadwell with the Force and launched him across the room and the used his bullwhip to snag onto Treadwell's center column and by grabbing Neva's hand yanked both of them across as well. The three arced across and then crashed in a heap near the pedestal.

"Nice one Z," Neva commented as he pulled himself up off the floor.

"Oh shut it Enkidu," the Jedi responded as the three gathered around the pedestal.

"Weight?" asked Neva.

"500 pounds!" declared Zoda looking at Treadwell. Neva slapped him hard.

"Scan it and find out!" shouted Keira. The three heroes turned to face her.

"That's not how it's done!"

"Five pounds…maybe seven," Zoda figured offhand. Treadwell nodded in agreement as Neva produced a bag and began putting handfuls of sand into it.

"Originality is dead," he realized bitterly before immediately tossing the bag to the side. "Just grab it and let's go."

Zoda leapt up into the air and grabbed the bag and the three took off…as nothing happened.

"Well that was a bust," the Jedi declared as the Totem began glowing and the far wall began shaking.

"Oh hell," said Neva Kee with realization.

The far wall exploded throwing millions of gallons of water at them.

Trial: "Yikes and I thought the storm was bad," the Judge commented shuddering.

"I think I just came to the conclusion as to why Droidfest was so sparsely attended by Jawas this year," IG-24 commented. Neva Kee nodded.

"Six sandcrawlers got submerged in the ensuing quicksand," the diplomat pointed out. "But we escaped and what happened next is another case entirely."

A door burst open and a humanoid being with wings, a lawyer's seat, and a yellow helmet burst in.

"I'll take the case!" he shouted.

"Birdman at last!" cackled X the Eliminator before pressing the firing device.

"Run Harvey run!" shouted Zoda. Harvey Birdman fled the room as the device went off blasting a large chunk of the wall away causing wind and rain to sweep into the room.

"I think we'd better get back to the courtroom," the Judge commented as the entire dining hall made their way out of the place. X the Eliminator for his part dragged his device out of the room and chased after the departing attorney at law. But before both could get out of sight, Zoda produced the Oscillation Overthruster he'd confiscated from the Lectroid ship and both beings vanished back home when the beam hit them.

A/N: I think it's a crime for any courtroom drama to not feature a cameo appearance by X the Eliminator and Harvey Birdman. Granted it was pointless and stupid, but there you go.


	13. The Warriors

Mos Eisley: "The hell left this?" Zoda asked bewildered. A crater was seen in the middle of Mos Eisley with smoke coming out of it.

"Unknown," was Neva's conclusion as he'd taken a soil sample of the crater and come up with nothing. "It's not green though, which is good."

Keira didn't know what that meant and the three continued on their course to her parked ship.

"Still, the material is…familiar," the diplomat said, refusing to let the matter go. Something was nagging him, like he should recognize the readings coming off of his scanner.

"Probably just your imagination," Keira figured. The trio entered into the spaceport and went up to Keira' ship.

"You could always come with," she offered. Both aliens shook their heads.

"Promises to keep, Keira, we have promises to keep," Neva smirked. The woman got down on her knees and hugged both of them.

"Just don't do anything stupid," she pleaded of both of them. The two regarded her strangely.

"Like what?" asked Zoda confused. Keira groaned before turning to Neva.

"Live and don't learn, that's us," came the diplomat's knowing response. Keira shook her head and got up with a smile.

"Right, goodbye you two," said Keira bittersweet. The two aliens gave her a brief wave as she walked up the landing ramp into her ship and entered into it.

"So what now?" asked Zoda of the diplomat as something beeped. Neva produced his scanning device and looked at the results.

"Subject identified…," he began before his expression turned to one of abject horror. "Oh no…"

Keira's scream could be heard coming from the ship.

"C'mon!" the diplomat ordered of the Jedi. Both raced up the ramp into the ship and down several corridors before emerging in Keira's private room.

"Just die you bum!" she yelled.

"Neva, Zoda, help, help!" came the impassioned cry from the other individual in the room. Keira was doing her best to strangle Kirby the Warpstar Warrior in the middle of her private room where all of her stuff had been thrown about.

"What are you doing here?" demanded Neva of the pink puffball.

"Can't….breathe!" rasped Kirby. Neva looked at him uncaring.

"We both know it's impossible to strangle you," he pointed out. Kirby sighed.

"I was bored," he answered as Keira let Kirby go and frustratingly began cleaning up her room. "So I ordered the ol' Warpstar to take me to you two and here I am."

"In Keira's room, going through her stuff?" the diplomat felt the need to mention. Kirby shrugged.

"I wanted it to be like old times," he offered lamely. Keira stepped in front of him.

"OUT!" she ordered. The three aliens slowly left the ship and Neva and Zoda headed down the ramp. But before Kirby could leave, Keira held him up and gave him the Heimlich maneuver as a mountain of stolen objects spewed out of his mouth before she promptly set him down and gave him a swift kick off of her ship where the warrior crashed into Neva and Zoda in a heap on the ground. A gust of wind later and Keira's ship was gone.

"Go home!" Neva said as he and Zoda got up.

"No!" declared Kirby. "Besides, my ship's broken so I'm not really going anywhere."

The trio was now at Kirby's crash site as his yellow star-shaped craft was pulled free and dropped onto the side street.

"Bob O's, tell him I need it the day before yesterday," Neva said to the tow-truck operator as he gave him a massive credit chit.

"Come on," Neva groaned at Kirby's hopeful look. "Just…don't touch anything."

"Hey, what's this?" Kirby questioned as he somehow had gotten his hands on the Aquifyning Rod and began shaking the thing trying to figure out how it worked.

"Give me that!" Neva declared yanking it back from him. "We're in the middle of something with this and you'd better not break it!"

Money signs seemed to dance across Kirby's eyes as he heard that. "Oooh…."

Neva seethed at that comment but said nothing to dissuade him.

"Let's just get rid of the thing before the day gets any worse," he mentioned to Zoda.

"Agreed," said the Jedi speaking up for the first time in awhile. The group reached the golf cart where Treadwell was and boarded it before taking off.

"Man, haven't I destroyed this piece of junk by now?" Kirby lamented looking at the cart. The thing had been damaged so many times it barely held together.

"You've certainly tried," Zoda pointed out as Neva glared at him.

"So who're we meeting then?" asked Kirby trying another tact.

"Unknown," was Neva's response. "And it's worth our standard fee."

"Well you're being gypped," was Kirby's response as he crossed his appendages in front of him in protest. The golf cart came to an abrupt halt.

"Hey-!" Kirby protested when Neva cut in.

"We're here," he declared as he twisted around to face Kirby. "Now c'mon."

The two hopped off of the cart and walked to the warehouse in front of them as Kirby reluctantly followed along with Treadwell.

"Wouldn't you rather I stayed out here than risk something bad happening in there?" asked Kirby innocently whistling. Both aliens turned to face him at that.

"I'm not risking you causing destruction out here, not after Csilla," Neva stated. Zoda snapped out his lightsaber to emphasize the point and then put it away.

"You could get arrested for stealing once, imprisoned in ice for a hundred some odd years and then you're paying for it the rest of your life," Kirby lamented. "Well I'm not going in there unarmed."

He ripped off the door handle on one of the warehouse doors and then swallowed it whole.

"Let's rock," he declared. Zoda raised a non-existant eyebrow.

"Isn't that my line?" he inquired. Neva meanwhile just knocked on the doors of the warehouse, which slowly parted to let them entrance. The group walked into the darkened area as the doors slowly closed behind them and a single spot of light appeared in the middle of the vast area. The quartet stood in the center of it as Treadwell probed the area with its infrared sensors.

"Do you have the item?" came a booming voice. Zoda held it up.

"We wouldn't have come if we didn't," he pointed out. "So what now?"

"Place the idol on the ground and kick it ahead of you. The money will then be returned in kind," said the voice. Zoda slowly lowered it to the ground, but right before it touched, he snapped it back up again.

"No…I don't think so," he stated.

Silence.

"We had a deal!" the voice shouted. Neva and Zoda shook their heads.

"No, we still _have_ a deal but you are required to tell us what you're doing with this idol," they both said, looking around anxiously for their unseen person.

"You know what I'm going to use it for," came the response. Neva sighed.

"Kandor, just show yourself," the diplomat groaned. The Aqualish, Kandor Ito appeared in his robes from earlier.

"Now…hand it over," he demanded. Neva shook his head.

"No," he responded. "Because I know what you're planning on doing with it and it's wrong."

"You two deserve to be punished for what you did to me!" shouted Kandor. "This planet almost made representational status and then I could've been out of here!"

Neva and Zoda slowly circled the Old Republic representative as Kirby just stood there confused.

"Who did you two piss off this time?" he asked. Kandor Ito regarded the pink puffball for the first time.

"And who are you?" he demanded icily. Kirby looked up at him innocently.

"I…ummm…I'm…," he stuttered, before a thought occurred to him and he gave a sly grin. "I'm Korby the Star Warrior of Dreamland."

"K_o_rby?" Kandor asked, stressing the 'o'. "You don't look like a Korby to me."

"You'd be surprised," Kirby confessed. "But I want in with whatever you're planning on doing with the idol."

Kandor regarded him in a different light after this. "And you know what I'm planning?"

Kirby slowly nodded as Neva and Zoda continued circling the representative.

"From one hell raiser to the next, it's pretty obvious," the Star Warrior admitted before looking at the outfit Kandor was wearing behind his robes. "Judging from that insignia on your garb, I'm guessing you're the Galactic Republic's representative to this dreary place. Clearly you can't convince the Republic to let you leave unless certain circumstances arise. But…_if_ this planet were declared uninhabitable then they'd naturally have to reassign you. But clearly Tatooine isn't one of those planets where you can just hire some space pirates to raze the population so you have to think outside the box. With that totem, clearly you've got a plan and this planet's going down."

Kandor tipped his head at the Star Warrior as Neva and Zoda were stunned by this revelation.

"How…?" Neva began perplexed. "That totem can't pull that off."

Kantor gloated at the diplomat's lack of knowledge when Kirby again spoke up.

"But it isn't meant to. Its absence…that's what really matters," he revealed simply. That sent gears turning in Zoda's head as Kandor glared at the puffball.

"Yes, because if you flooded Tatooine then obviously something would be amiss. And eventually they'd find out that you were responsible and put you on trial and then you'd be recalling this event right now and it may lead to an amusing story…" Zoda rambled on before stopping himself and blinking strangely at that sentence.

"The point is, is that you can't afford to flood this planet," Neva finished. "Outstanding Kir…Korby."

Kirby rolled his eyes at that name but otherwise turned his attention back to Kandor.

"So…am I in or not?" continued Kirby of Kandor.

"No," the representative glowered. "I've had a change of heart."

"Nuts," said Kirby dryly. "So…I'll be honest, that's all I've got, care to fill me on the rest?"

Kandor considered it. "No. You'll just have to find out…oh wait, you _won't_."

A curtain dropped revealing an anti-matter bomb on the far end of the room.

"Ooh…," said Zoda impressed with the hardware. "Blast radius of three miles, it'll take out Mos Eisley, that's for sure."

"But most importantly the idol," Kando finished. "So goodbye you twin terrors and your rotund friend."

And with that, Kandor's image fuzzed and then vanished, revealing that he had been nothing more than a hologram.

"Well that answers that question," Zoda concluded as a timer appeared on the weapon. The quartet ran up to it and read the gauge.

"Fifteen minutes?" Kirby declared disgusted. "That's plenty of time to get away."

Neva shook his head. "That's not the point. He knows we'll die getting it out of here thus saving the city."

"So don't," Kirby figured. "Go get his butt and kick the crap out of it."

"No!" came the dual response. "Not until we fix this."

Kirby crossed his arms. "Fine, we'll _fix_ this."

The Warp-Star Warrior went into extreme convulsions and then…

"WHEN THE HELL DID YOU SWALLOW THIS?!" demanded Neva Kee. A TX-130T Saber-Class Fighter Tank was now in the middle of the warehouse with green gunk coming off of it.

"I was hoping to sell it to these stooges but I guess that's no longer going to be the case," Kirby lamented before he sneezed and a hover-trailer shot out into the warehouse before drifting to a halt.

"Well we'll make the most of it, Treadwell, hook up the trailer to the tank and then get the golf cart out of here. Zoda, put the bomb on the trailer and then get the 130T fired up, I'll take the top cannon in case Kandor decides not to let us go so easily. Kirby…"

The blue alien turned to the pink puffball where he was assembling something with three pieces before it all merged together into a device called: The Dragoon.

"Vaya Con Dios!" shouted the warrior as he leapt onto the craft and it rocketed upwards through the roof and out of sight leaving a rainbow in its wake.

"Alright, let's move!" the diplomat declared after a moment's silence. The trio moved out and then moments later, Treadwell zipped out of the warehouse as the TX-130T ripped out through the sidewall and down the street with the bomb.

Trial: "Kandor Ito?" asked the Judge perplexed. "Are you sure?"

"Pretty sure," Neva assured him. "Moving on…"

Mos Eisley: "My kingdom for a horn," Zoda declared frustrated as passerbys raced out of the way of the tank.

"You weren't this passive when we had Jabba's sail barge," Neva pointed out from the top mounted cannon.

"Yeah, and if we didn't have a bomb strapped to our backs that's liable to go off with the slightest impact, this'd be a repeat," the Jedi declared as he fired off a couple shots from the side-mounted cannons that ripped apart the road in front of them.

"Let's roll!" declared the Jedi as the vehicle broke free from the city and rocketed across the Dune Sea.

"Ah," said Neva knowingly.

"What?" demanded Zoda impatiently as the tank moved past a sandcrawler.

"As soon as we left the city the remaining time cut itself in half," the diplomat answered looking at the bomb. "Better stop, we'll have to figure out how to diffuse it."

"Suit yourself," the Jedi responded as he slammed on the brakes and the craft came to a halt. The Jedi then hopped out as Treadwell came to a halt towing the golf cart.

"He didn't mean bring it here genius!" yelled Zoda at the droid. Treadwell turned and saw the bomb and then raced off, only to trip over a rock and fall flat on its face. The Jedi groaned and then ran over to the bomb and popped off the covering and looked at all the wires.

"Any thoughts Enkidu?" the Jedi asked looking at them. Neva wiped the sweat from his forehead and squinted off into the distance.

"Just one," he answered and then aimed the cannon and capped off a single shot.

Silence.

"What was that supposed to…," began Zoda.

The Dragoon crashed right next to them and Kirby flew off and hit the ground in front of the bomb and Zoda.

"Oh, it's not fair!" the puffball complained as he hit the ground. He then looked up and saw Neva Kee standing over him.

"Deal with this!" he ordered pointing at the bomb. The puffball got up and brushed himself off before turning to the weapon.

"Fine, I'll save the day as usual," he stated sarcastically. He then opened up his mouth and a massive vacuum erupted from it as he sucked the bomb, trailer, _and_ the tank down his gullet.

"Hmmph," he stated and then gave a tiny burp as a muffled boom was heard. And then Kirby began shaking as he clamped down his mouth and covered it with both hands.

"She's gonna blow!" he barely managed to squeak out as Neva and Zoda look at him terrified.

"Well hold it in!" declared Neva Kee. Kirby looked up at him angrily.

"If I do that it's going to come out the other end!" he barked out before once more holding his mouth shut. The diplomat and the Jedi's gazes turned to panic at hearing that.

"What do we do?" asked Zoda borderline hysterical. Neva briefly pondered it.

"RUN!" he declared as the two took off. Treadwell revved its motors helplessly as Kirby stumbled about in a seemingly drunken state.

"This is gonna be one for the record books," he declared to Treadwell before steeling himself for what was to come.

BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!

The mass of pungent air picked up sand and blasted Neva Kee and Zoda off their feet as Kirby was hurtled backwards from the outburst and Treadwell vanished into the stratosphere with the golf cart trailing behind.

Trial: "So that's what happened with that freak sandstorm," the Judge discovered. "You ruined a good family picnic, you know."

Neva nodded. "But at least you can still enjoy another one thanks to us."

"Apparently," the Judge figured as IG-24 cleared his 'throat' to try and continue the trial.

Dune Sea: Neva and Zoda burst up from underneath the sand and gasped for air having been buried for several hours.

"That was great!" declared Kirby appearing over them.

"That was terrible!" shouted Neva Kee back at him. Zoda was going to respond when he tackled both of them as a grand piano crashed in the spot where they had just been.

"What the-," began the diplomat when the TX-130T and the trailer slammed right next to them, the tank nose first, before tipping over onto its top and both kicked up sand and dust. Neva and Zoda both turned their attention on Kirby who cowered briefly before straightening out.

"Kirby," said Neva simply. "Have you lost weight recently?"

Kirby looked at him faking being perplexed. "Why? Does it look like I have? Must be this new outfit."

"You don't wear clothes!" Zoda pointed out. Kirby looked down at himself as if noticing this for the first time.

"Aah, I'm naked!" he shouted, holding his face in abject horror before he began laughing as Neva Kee and Zoda slapped their foreheads when an eighteen-wheel tractor trailer also slammed down on it's front before falling onto the tank and trailer.

"Do you…do a lot of transporting of goods?" inquired Neva Kee looking at the two vehicle-trailer combos.

"Westbound and down," came the Warp Star Warrior's response as he reached into his mouth and produced a trucker's hat, a pair of reflective sunglasses, and a toothpick that he chomped down on. A bathtub with a distillery attached to it came down next.

"Bootlegging?" asked Neva Kee doubtful as slick black Lamborghini came down and crumpled upon hitting the ground. "But alcohol isn't even banned on Pop Star. At least not anymore after you were temporarily frozen on Csilla."

Kirby nodded before sidestepping a speeder bike that came down, destroying its maneuvering spokes. He then caught a glass jug in his hands and held it close to him.

"Yeah, but that stuff is watered down, this'll knock your socks off!" he pointed out before unscrewing the cap, waving the bottle around, and screwing it back on. He then produced a lighter and lit it as a brief fireball erupted.

"Wow," said Zoda impressed. Neva meanwhile was considered other things as a Mecbeth-class automated defense robot fell nearby throwing a brief wall of sand that the trio weathered through.

"You know we're really pushing the K+ rating with this stuff," the diplomat pointed out. "But I digress…"

A massive shadow fell over them and the trio looked up to see the Halbeard dropping through the sky at them. Zoda turned to Force-run out of there when Treadwell and the golf cart crashed down on him, pinning him to the ground.

"Ah heh-heh," laughed Kirby nervously as the shadow grew ever larger around them.

"You need to cut back on your iron intake," was all Neva Kee managed to say before the Halbeard slammed into the ground in a massive fireball.


	14. The A Team

Farm: Neva Kee was sitting on his fold-out chair while going over his notes on the patio table as Zoda and Kirby discussed the Dragoon that was now hovering over the ground nearby.

"Oh she's fast," Kirby acknowledged. "Super fast. Much faster than that flying deathtrap you call a surfboard and that podracer over there."

Zoda looked over at his hovering surfboard and Neva's near-destroyed racer that was still on top of it.

"You want to put that to the test?" Zoda challenged while holding up his clenched fist. Kirby glared at him as Zoda glared right back.

"Later you two, we've got work to do," Neva Kee declared. "Now get over here!"

The two aliens glared for a moment longer and then broke it off to join the blue diplomat and Treadwell. On the table was a topographical map of the Dune Sea with various pen marks on it.

"We can't even afford a hologram?" asked Zoda depressed. "Man we really are broke."

"Ha, ha," laughed Kirby before Neva gave them a look that silenced the two of them. The totem sat on the table with various scanners plugged into it.

"So what's he up to?" asked Zoda. "Because I'm confused as to what good not having a water totem on a desert planet is supposed to accomplish."

"Well clearly water is the threat here as Kirby figured," Neva Kee reminded them. "What we have to figure out, is what water can be considered a threat against."

Silence ensued as each pondered that question.

"Hookers!" declared Kirby standing up on his chair suddenly in a bolt of 'inspiration'.

"We can't have hookers in a K+ story!" Neva exclaimed. Kirby looked at him shocked.

"What?!" he exclaimed. "What kind of crap is this? Son of a-."

"Can't say that either," Neva cut him off. "S&P."

Kirby fell off his chair. "I can't swear either? This place sucks!"

Neva Kee and Zoda both nodded before Zoda spoke up.

"Well technically you can swear once but nothing fancy," the Jedi mentioned offhand and then upon seeing Kirby's pleased expression. "But only once so make it count."

"Continuing our story, we still need to figure out what Kandor is up to," the diplomat once again cut in. "So sit back down!"

The other two aliens did as they once more looked at the map.

"Maybe he's planning to implode the planet," Zoda suggested.

"Or blow his stack," Kirby laughed reaching for the pitcher of water. "What a nutjob."

Neva Kee nodded as he briefly fingered a pair of poker chips before tossing them on the table on top of the map. "And that's exactly what he's going to do. He's going to make it so every volcano buried below Tatooine's surface erupts and covers the sky with ash. And since nobody here has the money to either clean up the atmosphere or build protective domes, those that can, will evacuate and those that won't, will die."

Kirby and Zoda looked at each other before Kirby burst out into laughter.

"You're saying he'll have a secret volcanic lair?" he said wiping a tear. "What a cliché!"

"This is serious!" shouted Neva Kee standing up and slamming his right hand on the table. "We can't let him kill thou…hundreds of innocents."

"Seems like he'd be doing the galaxy a favor," Kirby pointed out. "You told me this place was a wretched hive of scum and villainy."

Neva Kee was going to respond when Treadwell revved its motors several times.

"He's right," the diplomat stated. "Murder is still murder, no matter who is on the receiving end. We will stop him before he manages to put his plan into action."

"So why hasn't he already?" asked Zoda. "Is it because he knows we have the totem?"

"Possibly," Neva figured before producing several objects. "But we have to scope out every volcano and drop these instrument packages into them to monitor them for signs of activity."

Zoda and Kirby both picked up two packages, Kirby rattling his to try and figure out what was inside, and then both nodded.

"Any questions?" the diplomat finished. Kirby raised his hand.

"I already know what you're going to ask so don't," Neva Kee continued as Kirby appeared crestfallen.

"Okay," he said a little sad. Neva sighed.

"Fine," he relented. Kirby gave a huge smile.

"Yes, what is the capital of South Dakota?" asked the puffball with a massive grin.

"Ha, ha," said Neva Kee deadpan before throwing his hand out to the desert. "A-Team, roll out!"

The four split ways, Kirby on the Dragoon, Zoda atop his surfboard, Neva in the Chariot LAV, and Treadwell by his lonesome.

Elsewhere: A satellite in geosynchronous orbit over the moisture farm recorded the three dust trails and one rainbow trail, leaving the area. The satellite then broadcasted the images to an undisclosed location that activated a large supercomputer.

"Well, well, well, so you have figured it out," Kandor noted as the trails were projected to intersect with four different volcanoes. "Very good."

"You should activate the plan now. They will die to save this world," came a voice from behind him. Kandor spun on his chair to face a collection of shadowed individuals.

"No," he ordered. "We do that and they may escape to tell the Republic of what transpired here. They must pass the point of no return and then they will be destroyed. But the path to reach that point will not be made easy for them. Go."

With a wave of his hand, the others vanished leaving Kandor to turn back to the computer and steeple his fingers in front of his face contemplating this turn of events.

Volcano 1: Kirby was chewing on a stick of gum as he sat on the lip of the volcano looking down at the magma within.

"As if it wasn't hot enough on this da-….stupid planet already," Kirby said, lamenting his inability to swear. He blew a massive bubble that then popped before producing the sensor package and once more looking it over and noticing some scribbling on the side.

"Well I sure as hell don't know how to speak or write basic," the Warp Star Warrior figured as he casually tossed the kit and caboodle into the cone. He was about to reach for his map to figure out his next destination when the sun became blocked out. The Warrior looked up to see a stone statue basking in the hot sun.

"Hey buddy, Easter Island's that way," Kirby declared pointing off unto the horizon before holding himself from laughing so hard.

And then the statute kicked him over the rim of the volcano towards the magma below.

Volcano 2: Zoda's surfboard flew over the cone as he dropped the package inside before hurtling off towards the next one.

"One down…," he began when an object came hurtling from the glare of Tatoo I and nearly took out the Jedi and his board. The two plummeted towards the ground when he pulled out of his corkscrew nose dive and took up a steady position as the object also came to a halt right in front of him.

"Ah, I'm impressed Kandor," Zoda nodded approvingly. "Been a long time since I had a promise of a good fight, so much the better."

The other object was a flying hunter-killer humanoid robot that instantly produced a pair of laser cannons out of its robotic palms and twirled them around before assuming an attack position.

"Let's roll big ugly," stated the Jedi as the two rocketed towards each other.

Volcano 4: Treadwell rolled up to the smoking mountain and looked fearfully into it before pushing the package into the rim with its base and then bolting for dear life. It raced down to the bottom and then across desert before being stopped by a lone figure in the sand. It looked at the being quizzically as the other individual felt utterly humiliated.

"You're not much of a threat are you?" the female Twi'lek asked. Treadwell eyed her quizzically but remained silent. Sand slowly blew across the gap between them as the Twi'lek tried to figure out what to do.

"Boss," she stated, picking up her walkie-talkie.

"You are not to use this line unless under dire circumstances!" barked Kandor on the other end.

"Yes sir," acknowledged the Twi'lek a little irate. "But my target is a Treadwell-class droid and not 'threat' material."

"Treadwell?" asked Kandor a little perplexed. "Guess that female they were with bolted. Well in that case, keep an eye on the droid and if another needs help, assist them."

"Acknowledged," said the woman still not happy about it. She shut off the walkie and put it away before looking up at Treadwell before a look of shock crossed her face.

"What the-!" she exclaimed suddenly when…

BBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM

Volcano 3: Neva was just reaching the Chariot LAV when twin saber blades sliced through the around him. The flurry went on for several more minutes as the diplomat stood still, briefly yawned, and then it was over.

"Something I can help you with?" asked the diplomat of his assailant. "Because otherwise I've got a lot to do and I'd like to get right on it."

The assailant, a masked ninja of sorts, came to a rest on top of the LAV with both swords angled away from his body.

"**Fight me**," the ninja rasped. Neva looked up at him with a glint in his eye.

"No," he declared and pulled out a blaster and stunned the ninja off of his vehicle. He then looked at the collapsed being before shaking his head in humility before hopping in the vehicle and taking off.

Volcano 1: The rock monster had just finished signaling Kandor on the success of his mission and was headed down the mountain when a tapping on his shoulder drew his attention.

"Hey buddy," declared Kirby deflating and landing on the ground as he threw up his appendages. "Let's rumba!!"

The rock monster gave a hearty laugh at that before turning around and throwing up his arms as well. He then tipped his head and rushed the pink puffball who widened his mouth and sucked the rock monster into his gullet before immediately spitting him back out. The rock monster stood there a little at a loss before being surprised as Kirby's physical structure morphed into the same rock that made up the rock monster. The Warrior then entered into a martial arts pose before smiling.

"As a race of robots once said of them and me when we briefly met, we're both more than meets the eye," the Warrior informed the monster in his most badass manner. But then he immediately spun on his heel and took off screaming as the monster chased him down the mountain.

Dune Sea: Treadwell ripped across the desert leaving a trail as he raced away from the Twi'lek and whatever had happened to her as Neva raced across his desert trail headed for another volcano. Kirby then ran past headed for parts unknown as the rock monster chased after him while Zoda arced across the sky fighting the H-K.

Unknown: "Well, not quite what I had planned but it gets the job done," Kandor Ito noted while watching the various dots crisscross the map. He even pulled out some popcorn and began eating, wishing he could have had a better visual of what was really going on.

Volcano 5: The LAV hopped the cone as Neva dropped a sensor package into it from his open door and then raced down the opposite end. It then swooped across the desert and took a position next to Kirby.

"Need a lift, Murdock?" asked Neva looking out through his now opened door.

"M…maybe," said Kirby out of breath as the rock monster was still just feet behind him. "B…but what about h…him?"

The diplomat looked at the rock monster who had now begun pounding futilely on the LAV to try and cause it to spin out to no avail.

"Here," said Neva Kee handing him a glass of water. Kirby looked at it confused.

"I'm thirsty but how does this…," he began. Neva slapped his forehead.

"Transform from rock Kirby to water Kirby you bum!" he shouted. Kirby's expression brightened at that as he reverted from rock to his regular pink form. He then swallowed the water and transformed into a blue translucent water form and spun around and sprayed the sand, causing the rock monster to sink in the ensuing quicksand until only its head poked up above ground.

"Now don't go anywhere," said Kirby with a big gleeful grin before the rock monster roared at him and he hopped onto the LAV as it took off.

"Let's go get Face and B.A.," said Neva twisting the yoke to chase after Treadwell.

"Right on, Hannibal!" said Kirby enthusiastically.

Sky: Zoda ripped through the air being pursued by the H-K as he used his lightsabers to deflect the laser blasts as best he could. But to his avail, the H-K was far more mobile and quicker than his flying surfboard.

"_Oh, what now?_" he wondered, considering his limited options. But then to his dismay, a lucky shot damaged the left engine on his board causing it soar out of control. The ground was spinning ever closer and the Jedi braced himself for impact when a flash of rainbow covered the sky and Zoda hit something metallic before zooming off through the air. Looking down, the Jedi noticed the Dragoon planted firmly under his board as if magnetized to it.

"You break it, B.A., and I'll kill you!" declared Kirby over his comm. unit down below as the LAV coasted by underneath before rocketing off for Treadwell. Zoda got up on his board and tested the response time by lightly pulling up on the board as the whole contraption came to an immediate halt as the H-K blew past it before also stopping.

"Awesome," said Zoda, extremely impressed by the machine. He then brought it to bear on the H-K and rushed straight at it. But the acceleration was too much for him and he rocketed past it, missing with his lightsabers completely. Once more Zoda brought the craft to a stop as he whistled once more in admiration.

"I stand corrected Murdock, this is handy," Zoda admitted. But that was all he could say as the H-K came right at him and he had to twist the board around and take off to avoid its laser blasts. Down below, the LAV picked up Treadwell, aka Templeton "The Face Man" Peck, and then moved off towards the final volcano to complete the measurements. But as they watched the battle above with interest until Zoda kicked the back of his board for more speed and it vanished in a bright flash with a streak of rainbow colors vanishing into the horizon.

"Where did he go?" asked Neva Kee perplexed. Kirby promptly asked Neva Kee for the circumference of the planet before doing some calculations in his head.

"He'll be back any moment now," he stated. A rainbow ripped across the opposite horizon before streaking over the sky and through the H-K that flew apart into tiny pieces before streaking over the far volcano and then straight into the ground throwing up a mushroom cloud of sand. The LAV drove up to it as Zoda stumbled around in a daze near the uprooted Dragoon/Surfboard.

"Now I see why you don't like to fly, B.A.," stated Neva Kee bemused. Zoda still stumbled about before coming to a halt.

"I pity the foo' that…," he began before passing out. Kirby yanked out the Dragoon combination out of the ground and carried it to the LAV as Treadwell rolled up and Neva placed Zoda's unconscious form onto his base as the droid rolled back to the vehicle as well. For the first time in awhile, the diplomat gave a genuine smile as he pulled out a toothpick.

"I love it when a plan comes together," he ended before he too headed for the LAV and it took off into the horizon.

A/N: The A-Team:

Leader-John "Hannibal" Smith played by George Peppard, Neva Kee

Man w/connections and a ladies man-Templeton "Face Man" Peck played by Dirk Benedict, Treadwell

Equipment Expert/The Muscle-Bosco B.A.(Bad Attitude) Baracus played by Mr. T, Zoda

Pilot/Driver/Resident Nutso-H.M. "Howling Mad" Murdock played by Dwight Schultz, Kirby

_A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away a crack __alien and droid commando unit was sent to prison by a civilian court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Mos Eisley underground. Today, still wanted by the galactic government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem...if no one else can help...and if you can find them...maybe you can hire...The A- Team._

And no the story's not done. The A/N and below is for my amusement(as is the entire story).


	15. The Calm Before the Storm

Mos Eisley: The quartet was inside the LAV as it rested next to the Dockside Café as various starships lifted off and landed around them. Through the open doorway, Zoda entered carrying food and drinks on a cardboard serving tray.

"Coffee, oil, water, and bourbon," said Zoda handing Neva the water, Treadwell the oil, himself the coffee, and Kirby the bottle. He then set down the tray in the middle of the table that had doughnuts and other food items on it.

"Drink responsibly Kirby," said Neva Kee mockingly as Kirby picked up the bottle.

"Screw you!" was the puffball's response as he swallowed it whole. He then unwrapped his burger and began eating it thoughtfully as a 3-D holographic image popped up from the table showing the Dune Sea.

"So you _do_ have a budget?" asked Kirby curious.

"We may…or may not have stolen this particular vehicle," Neva confessed.

"Ah," said Kirby knowingly. Several dots appeared where the sensor packages were.

"So what do the readings say?" asked Zoda sipping his coffee.

"Normal," responded the diplomat leaning back in his seat. "But that isn't necessarily a surprise given that things won't get hairy until they get hairy."

"So we're back at square one?" asked Kirby feeling a little deflated. Neva Kee shook his head.

"Nope, because thanks to the sensor packages I was able to get a map of the entire lava flow underneath the planet's surface," began the diplomat as red lines appeared headed downwards while the map expanded to show the entire planet and it's volcanoes and lava tubes.

"Based on this, I have been able to calculate that an explosive device placed here and here," said Neva reaching other with a digital pen and making the appropriate marks on the display. "Would cause all the volcanoes to erupt thereby throwing soot into the atmosphere and covering the planet in lava."

Kirby poked Zoda. "Hey, does that remind you of when I had that 400-alarm chili?"

"Unfortunately, yes," responded the Jedi shuddering at that thought. "Never mention it again."

"To conclude, I know where Kandor is hiding," finished the diplomat shutting down the hologram. That got the two warriors attention.

"Really, how?" asked Kirby surprised.

"Because one of them contacted Kandor during our little melee and Treadwell tracked the signal," answered Neva patting the droid on its neck.

"Don't you mean our little 'brawl'?" chuckled Kirby at an inside joke that no one else got but him.

"So let's go get him!" declared Zoda heading for the cockpit when Neva Kee blocked his path.

"We can't just go get him. If we do that, he'll activate his final plan and we'll be sunk," the diplomat pointed out. "We just have to wait this one out for now."

Zoda sighed and rested his head against the bulkhead. "So what do we do?"

Neva reached underneath the table and withdrew his seven-iron golf club.

"Get our minds off of this matter and on to other things," he responded, retrieving his golf bag and clubs.

"You guys still play that hokey game?" said Kirby disappointed. "For shame."

Neva got up close to the Warp Star Warrior.

"You are only more than welcome to go home," he insisted as Kirby looked away. He was about to respond when the whole LAV shook.

"Hi guys!" said Zobba waving from the entrance. "Guess who is back. …Oh wait, whoops nevermind, should've said that part first."

Kirby's jaw dropped at seeing the massive figure.

"Admiral, there be whales here!" he shouted in disbelief at the creature's girth. Zobba looked at the round one with interest before looking down at his own body and began laughing.

"Ha, ha, you must be Kirby!" he said enthusiastically reaching for and shaking his appendage. "I'm glad to be able to finally meet you, I'm Zobba."

Kirby nodded. "Oh right, the enthusiastic Hutt with the heart of gold. Blech!"

The Hutt turned his attention to the others. "So what's this I heard about Kandor going bonkers?"

Neva looked up surprised. "Does the Chancellor know? Is he going to bail us out?"

Zobba slowly shook his head. "He can't officially do anything because Tatooine isn't a member of the Republic. But, he did send me and he did intimate to me that he would be grateful if Tatooine continued to be the seediest place in the galaxy."

"Well that doesn't help us," said Zoda nonplussed.

"Oh and incidentally Yoda says that if you want to contact him in the next few days it won't be possible because he chose to have the Temple's comm. array serviced based on the Chancellor's conversation with me," the Hutt responded whistling innocently. Zoda's expression brightened considerably at that.

"Excellent," he said with a malicious smile and began rubbing his hands together. Neva Kee for his part had started up the LAV and was now piloting it out of the city.

"I don't get it," confessed Kirby.

"With them not listening, the Jedi Council is effectively giving Zoda a seal of approval to fix this problem by any means necessary," answered the diplomat from up front as the craft now moved across the Dune Sea once more.

"So where we off to?" asked Zobba curious.

"Golfing, what else?" responded Zoda drumming fingers on the table.

Later: Neva Kee and Zoda were sizing up their shots as Zobba lazily tanned himself next to the LAV. The two then blasted their shots off into the distance and then slid their clubs so they now leaned on them, staring off unto the horizon.

"We don't stand a chance do we?" asked Zoda. Kirby was working on some strange mechanical device with Treadwell.

"No we don't," Neva admitted. "But we'll have to figure out something. It's not like an answer is just going to present itself."

WWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSHH

Sand blew everywhere and pelted the group as the wind picked up with the resulting roar. The quintet bolted back into the LAV. Looking out through the open entryway as custom Ubrikkan _Minstrel_-Class Star Yacht hovered overhead.

"Oh crap," Zoda was forced to admit. "What now?"

A tractor beam latched onto the vehicle and began pulling it upwards into the massive ship before it fired up its engines and vanished into the distance.

Unknown location: Kandor watched with interest at this development. He wasn't sure what Jabba wanted with the group now.

_Star Jewel_: Neva Kee, Zoda, Treadwell, Kirby, and Zobba were led into the dais chambers of Jabba the Hutt who sat there lazily fanning himself with the ever faithful Salacious Crumb at his side. Around the room was Jabba's seedy entourage of criminals, cowards, dancers, and bounty hunters. As soon the quintet entered, this group reared back in fear at seeing them, shackled though they were, and either backed up to the far walls or fled the room.

"Oh," said Jabba in Huttese at the new arrivals in that ever booming voice of his. "What have we here, the pathetic A-Team?"

"With five of us and none female?" declared Zoda amused in his pleather vest that hung over his robes. "We're The Warriors from Coney Island."

"So what do you want Cyrus?" asked Kirby, also in a vest with the words: 'The Warriors' scrawled on the back. He clearly had no idea who this 'Jabba' was nor his name so he just chose a name he knew.

"I demand that you fix this!" shouted Jabba as he pressed a button next to him and the 3-D model from earlier appear showing the volcanoes.

"Fix what?" asked Zobba innocently. Jabba glared daggers at his fellow Hutt before turning his attention to the diplomat who just stared back at him passively through his sunglasses.

"Diplomat Kee?" the Hutt nearly begged. The diplomat tilted his head up to look at the gangster.

"Who's diplomat Kee, I'm Cleon," he responded before briefly chuckling. "But in all seriousness, we'll fix it as soon as we're able to. I give you my word. We just cannot fix this at this particular point in time."

"And why not?" demanded the Hutt. Few ever contradicted him in his own court, but these nuisances being who they were and the situation being what it was, he ultimately had no choice but to tolerate their intolerance.

"Resources for one," admitted the diplomat. "We're only five individuals and while one can change the world, five only makes a conspiracy that is doomed to failure."

"Six," responded the Hutt curtly. The others looked at him confused. "You have me now and all of my resources."

The court erupted over that as the quintet stared at Jabba in shock.

"I uh-um-bwuh," began Neva Kee at a genuine loss for words as he considered this development. "Are you sure about this? Wouldn't you want the insurance money for your barge like earlier only now with your palace in the mix?"

The Hutt leaned forward. "I don't have a choice anymore. The palace and the barge, fine, but with Tatooine no chance. Not while I'm still around."

"Okay then," said Neva before turning to the others. "Group huddle."

The quintet grouped closed and were arguing about what to do as the _Star Jewel_ passed over one of the volcanoes that dotted the landscape.

Elsewhere: Kandor watched on his computer screen the proximity of the vehicle with the mountain.

"Sorry Jabba, no choice," he said to the screen as he raised his drink and hit a button on his control panel.

Dune Sea: The volcano erupted, briefly spewing hot magma into air and directly into the underbelly of the _Star Jewel_ as it rocked heavily. Then the burning craft soared by in a trail of fire and smoke before plowing into the sand. From the front, a hatch opened disgorging the occupants of the vessel.

"That's it!" declared Jabba as the others reluctantly nodded. "THIS MEANS WAR!!"

The volcano spewed fire in the background.

A/N: Short but it sets up the major points for the upcoming chapters. The end is near.


	16. One problem solved

A/N: There's a possibility this might be the last chapter for the next few months. Apologies, but something's come up unexpectedly that I have to deal with.

Jabba's Palace: The _Star Jewel_ limped into its docking bay and sat on its charred landing gear before the gear gave way and the craft fell onto the bay itself. From the main entrance, Jabba emerged flanked by his gamorrean guards as around him, the members of his court also flooded out. Once they were gone, a roar filled the air as the Chariot LAV emerged and coasted to a halt. Neva Kee, Kirby, Zoda, Treadwell, and Zobba emerged and Zoda flipped open the hood to look at the damage.

"Can you fix it?" asked Neva hopeful. The inside was a mess as everything had gotten rattled during the various crashes the ship had faced. "I'd rather have a quick getaway vehicle if Jabba decides to rescind his generosity."

"I'll have to," he reasoned helplessly. "Kirby, Treadwell, let's get to work."

"Right," came the response from the puffball as Treadwell revved its motor. Neva nodded and motioned to Zobba to follow him and the two went further into the palace. The two went down various corridors and hallways, each more decadent and diseased than the next, before emerging in Jabba's wardroom.

It was a dark room to say the least, the only light coming from the various consoles that adorned the room. The Hutt for his part was in front of his 3-D holographic imager accompanied by his advisors and was talking with them in hushed tones. Zobba looked around at the various monitors, but as soon this Hutt focused on any monitor in particular, it shot off. But then as soon as he looked away it shot back on.

"Oh," said Zobba at a bit of a loss. He tried to look at another monitor but got the same results. "Hmmm…."

Neva Kee for his part had no trouble looking at the monitors as they didn't shut off for him.

"Nice armament Jabba, you could probably take over a good chunk of the galaxy with this stuff," the diplomat was forced to admit as he read the various scrolling displays. Jabba's head snapped up at hearing that and watched with surprise at the diplomat reading his displays.

"How are you doing that?" the Hutt questioned curious. "Those displays are not to show to a user if their retina scans do not match up with the files on hand."

"We all have our secrets," said the diplomat with a brief chuckle as his pure red eyes seemed even more eerie in the relative darkness. The Hutt shook it off as he knew the diplomat wasn't one to use that information to his advantage in a way that would cause him detrimental damage unless he deserved it.

"So he has two devices here and here?" the Hutt continued as Neva Kee hopped up and sat on the side of the imager as Zobba silently approached and looked wide-eyed at the display. Two dots appeared in the lava flows on opposite sides of the planet.

"Aye-firmative," responded the diplomat. "The problem being that Zoda and I are masters of the sky, mostly masters of the land, and have nothing to do with anything below ground."

Jabba nodded. "Well I may have a solution to that. But first, where is Kandor's location?"

The diplomat hesitated at that. "I'd…rather not say at the moment. I don't want you to hire a bunch of thugs to go 'flush' him out and then have him activate the end game scenario. Not until we have a sufficient answer to combat it."

Jabba wasn't pleased with this but let it go. The diplomat and his accomplices were what he called 'goody goodies' and they wouldn't let this planet go without a fight.

"Very well," he grumbled still not happy about it. "Now come with me, I have something to show to you."

Bay: "So there I am facing this naked glowing dude called Tabuu when Sonic the Hedgehog shows up and destroys his wings!" said Kirby at a complete and total loss as he leaned against the LAV while Zoda and Treadwell worked on the engine block. "And then we all fight and suddenly I'm back on Pop Star like nothing had happened. I then had to test my BAC to make sure I hadn't hallucinated all of it."

Zoda was covered in grease and oil as he used his wrench to make some adjustments. "You also do have the strangest stories of when we're not around. So how are you sure it _did_ happen."

Kirby reached down his throat and recovered a golden wafer/badge with King Dedede's moniker on it. He briefly handed it to Zoda who looked it over before handing it back.

"And…?" he asked confused.

"It's worthless!" declared the Warp Star Warrior as he hit the badge against the side of the vehicle. "Course considering it came from Dedede that's probably no surprise."

"Ah," responded the Jedi as he made more adjustments with his socket wrench set. "But you never come up empty handed so I'm betting you swallowed something more valuable."

Kirby blushed and turned away. "I may have," he admitted at the very least.

Zoda sighed and stopped his work. "Spill it, what have you done this time?"

"You really don't want to know," Kirby responded vigorously shaking his head.

"Can I at least ask twenty yes/no questions?" the Jedi continued. Kirby thought about it before nodding.

"Is it big?"

"Yes,"

"Heavy?"

"Most assuredly,"

"Big blast radius?"

"Aye, aye dude,"

"Big payload?"

"I guess,"

"Non-traditional payload?"

"I'd say so,"

"Worth some coin?"

"Money, money, money!"

"Likely to kill us all?"

"With a little luck,"

"Oh hell,"

"Aye, aye dude!"

"You already said that!"

"…Shut up!"

"You shut up!"

"Both of you shut up!" shouted Neva Kee entering into the bay with Jabba and Zobba. "Now, Jabba let's see this device of yours."

The Hutt nodded and flicked his hand to the far side of the expansive room as two massive drilling devices rose from the floor. The group advanced towards the vehicles when one of Jabba's goons appeared before them with a mass of papers.

"Sign these," he indicated handing a pen to each of them on top of the stacks. The quintet looked at the non-disclosure agreements at a loss before turning to Neva Kee who merely flipped all the pages and then tossed it.

"No," he declared. Zoda flipped his up in the air and then turned it to confetti with his lightsabers as Kirby swallowed his and burped. Treadwell couldn't sign it and so the document slid off of his base and Zobba slowly began reading each byline.

"Fine," Jabba declared furious. "Explain the device."

The chief scientist nodded and began his speech about the two drilling units. When he was done, Zobba had finally finished reading his NDA while Zoda and Kirby were passed out on the floor. Neva Kee asked some questions for himself and Treadwell before nodding with the answers he got.

"So we hit them both hard and fast," stated Jabba cutting in. "And then we kill Kandor."

The diplomat shot him an annoyed look as Zoda and Kirby came to while Zobba put the NDA on the ground without having signed it.

"So three to a pod?" figured Zobba. Neva nodded.

"Figure Jabba, Treadwell, and myself in Pod 1 and you, Kirby, and Zoda in Pod 2," said Neva before turning to the other Hutt. "Assuming you want to come."

Jabba straightened himself up to be as tall as he could.

"This is far too important to be left to the hands of amateurs," he declared. "I will save this planet for the good of all its inhabitants."

"Uh-huh," said Zoda, none of them buying, though Zobba gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. "Not to mention that this could earn you some points amongst certain important individuals."

"A side effect I'm sure," the Hutt responded condescendingly. "Let's be off."

"But sir, I must protest!" declared his aide. "You must take a bodyguard with you!"

The Hutt look at him astonished. "I believe I am capable of defending myself against a droid and an alien the size of Salacious Crumb!"

Neva Kee and Zoda both shot a glance at the other wondering if they should make a crack about a 'slave girl with a chain' but let it go. The six split up and headed for their drilling units when Zoda briefly stopped by Neva Kee.

"Here, in case of emergency," he stated handing Neva Kee a wristwatch. The diplomat eyed it curiously as Zoda walked off before going to his pod. Inside, he took out the checklist and began going through it. In Pod 2, Zoda was also looking at the vehicle's checklist.

"I don't need no stupid instructions telling me what to do!" he declared tossing the booklet to the back

"Oh," said Zobba a little scared but not knowing what else to do as he picked up the booklet and looked it through in the cargo area.

"Do you know how to drive this thing?" asked Kirby curious as he sat in the co-pilot's seat. Zoda looked over him annoyed before looking over the controls.

"I can pilot anything, I'm a natural!" he declared as his hand accidentally touched a red button and the vehicle roared off straight towards the far wall.

"Aaahhhh!!" the trio shouted in fear while Zoda began pushing random buttons when the drill activated and ripped through the duracrete wall like it was tissue paper and then roared off down the Hutt Flats.

Inside Pod 1, Jabba was steamed at the destruction to his palace.

"For what it's worth, you have a good construction crew," offered the diplomat as he started up the vehicle and it trundled off. "They already removed your sail barge and have nearly restored your palace to its former decadent glory."

Jabba grumbled some things under his breath before becoming silent as the diplomat activated the repulsorlift and the vehicle tore off into the sky headed for the other side of the world.

Pod 2: "A natural, huh?" asked Kirby annoyed as he climbed back into his seat, visibly shaken.

"We got this thing started _and_ made it out onto the Dune Sea without once reading or knowing the instructions. Now _that's_ the sweet smell of success," the Jedi educated the puffball.

"Smells like foul air to me," came the response from the Warp Star Warrior. Zoda sniffed the air.

"I don't smell any-,"

BUUURRRRRRRRPPPPPPP!!

Pod 1: The pod rocketed along above the ground as Neva Kee had an amused grin at hearing Zoda and Kirby fighting on the other end of the comm. while Zobba urged calm.

"Tell me diplomat," Jabba began. "How is it you came to associate yourself with such filth? Individuals such as us do not need 'ordinary' folk to make ourselves great. In fact, associating ourselves with them may even harm our reputations as you are no doubt aware."

"I don't follow," said Neva Kee feigning ignorance. "I don't see why you feel that we're better than anyone else."

"I think we both know that we're destined for greater things," responded the Hutt clasping his hands together. "With my empire and your diplomatic skills, we could rule this galaxy."

"Funny you mention the word 'empire'," said Neva Kee bemused at the Hutt's rhetoric. "Oh, Jabba your statements of grandiose are falling on deaf ears with me. Besides, I've seen the future and Treadwell over there is the one who's going to rule over all of it in the end."

Jabba looked at the droid doubtful before returning his attention to the diplomat.

"The point, Jabba is that the loftier you make yourself, the more likely the person below you is going to pull out that rug," the diplomat continued. "And when that happens, who will rescue you? Because those three on the other pod, and myself and Treadwell here, we may be screwballs, but we'll come through in the end. Unlike your entourage who aren't lifting a finger to save Tatooine."

That left the Hutt with food for thought. Not that he cared what the diplomat thought. All Hutts knew that they were superior to everyone else and the few exceptions who felt they weren't were outcasts like Zobba.

"_Zobba_," thought Jabba with anger. He hated that Hutt more than most others as he was an outcast who refused to stay that way. He possessed a wide-eyed exuberance for the universe when any sane person would know otherwise. But that universe seemed pleased to have him around and lauded him with awards and instead of leveraging that to his advantage he merely went on with his work. In fact, all of this crew he was now stuck with did. Jabba hated them all and vowed to be responsible for all of their ultimate demise some day. Perhaps sooner than any of them thought.

Pod 2: The trio was outside their pod as Zobba tried to read the map of where they were supposed to dig.

"Okay now that's west…I think," said the Hutt uncertain. "Then east is…okay so that means. Ummm…"

"Give me that!" declared Zoda grabbing the map from him and looking it over. "You've got it all wrong south is that way so we're supposed to dig right where we are. Right, Kirby?"

The Warp Star Warrior was shaking his compass furiously before closing it.

"We're expletive delete'd," he declared frustrated before re-entering the drill with the others. Inside, Zoda began pushing random buttons as the drill roared to life.

"You know, I find that that staying positive is the best way to deal with situations like this," Zobba declared as he looked over the map once more. "Like for instance while you two have seen fit to have a heated exchange of opinions, I've taken the liberty of learning the controls for this device and how to disarm the device we're about to reach."

Kirby and Zoda looked at him before both turned back to the controls.

"Okay, I press this and this and this," said Zoda pushing buttons, some random and some not.

"Okay, and then we push the stick forward and…," began the puffball as the drilling unit tilted downwards and tore through the ground.

"We're cooking now Axel," declared Zoda as the screens showed the ground flying past them.

"I hear that Lie…wait why am I Axel? I should be Liedenbrock!" roared the puffball. Zoda laughed.

"Because I'm the leader of this expedition!" he declared poking his control stick for emphasis. Kirby scowled at him.

"Not anymore!" the Warp Star Warrior decided as he grabbed for the stick and soon the two were wrestling over it.

"Gentlemen, I urge calm!" declared Zobba terrified as the craft began rocking left and right on it's course towards the device that lay ahead.

Pod 1: "If they get themselves killed, this will cause problems for Tatooine," Jabba forced Neva Kee to acknowledge.

"They'll pull it off, they've never failed yet," the diplomat replied. "They've only just royally screwed up on occasion."

"That is not reassuring," Jabba continued. "I need this planet completely intact, I don't accept damaged goods."

"And if you thought you could do the job better you wouldn't have scooped us up off the Dune Sea," Neva Kee responded curtly as he pulled a lever and returned his attention to the screens. "So just relax."

The pod dropped through the underground and into a river of lava as it floated around looking for the device that would trigger the cataclysmic eruptions.

Pod 2: Zoda was using his screwdriver to open a covering on the device as Kirby sat on it dangling his feet over the lava flowing beneath them. Zobba meanwhile was reading off the instructions as to disarming the device.

"Once you've popped the cover off, there should be three wires underneath attached to a timing device," the Hutt stated. Zoda put his tiny flashlight into his mouth and removed the panel and saw what had just been described.

"Check, got it!" he acknowledged. "What now?"

Pod 1: Neva Kee had to do all the work himself as Jabba refused to lower himself by reading instructions about how to disarm the weapon to what he know dubbed 'a commoner'. Treadwell was hovering nearby with the instructions on his base.

"Okay so now I…," began Neva Kee looking at the wires and then the instructions. But that quickly turned to disaster when a flying ember hit the instructions and they caught on fire before turning to ash.

"Oh that's just great," said Neva Kee rolling his eyes with aggravation. Jabba meanwhile was also troubled by this event. "Well, screw it, we'll keep going on."

"I don't think so," said the Hutt as Neva and Treadwell watched him power the pod and roared off. "See you in hell diplomat."

Neva cocked a non-existent eyebrow at the vanishing vehicle before turning to a frightened and shaking Treadwell.

"Don't worry," the Jedi reassured him. "He'll be going there first. Now, I believe that to fix the situation, the following action is required."

He clipped a wire and the device went off.

Pod 2: Zoda successfully disarmed the device with Zobba's help before the lava flow briefly rumbled.

"The hell was that?" asked Kirby also noticing it. The duo turned to Zobba who read the displays.

"Looks like the other device went off," he said in shock. Kirby and Zoda were also surprised by that.

"Went off how exactly?" asked the Jedi. Zobba pressed a couple buttons.

"I think the blue wire got cut and created a shockwave resulting in a massive displacement of lava," the Hutt figured. Kirby nodded.

"So we're looking at a case of acid reflux instead of a full blown hurl?" he deduced. Zobba thought about it and nodded approvingly as the two then hopped into the pod.

"So what do we do?" asked the Hutt curious as the doors closed and the vehicle headed upwards back to the surface.

"All we can do. Continue with the plan," responded the Jedi as the craft broke out onto the surface.

Silence.

"We have a plan?" asked Kirby finally.

Below: Neva Kee was riding Treadwell as fast as his little boosters would take him from the wall of lava that chasing after them.

"We're in hot water now old buddy," he said. The droid nodded as ahead was the tale-tell flash of the mining pod ahead being piloted by Jabba.

"So…got a will prepared?" the diplomat asked trying to chitchat. Treadwell shook his head.

"Yeah me neither," he said. "But at least we both know Zoda and Kirby will steal all of our stuff before the government can get their hands on it.

The droid nodded again when a beeping noise went off. The diplomat and droid looked around confused when a light flashed on the watch Zoda had given Neva. The blue alien held it up to his face and noticed the single button on it.

"No guts, no glory," he reasoned and pressed the button on it. A beam of light erupted from the side of the watch as Zoda's rocket powered surfboard materialized. Rather than question this strange turn of luck, Neva hopped onto the front part of the board and slipped his feet into the holders as Treadwell clamped on in the back. He then turned to Treadwell and the wall of lava drawing ever closer.

"Let's kick it!" he declared as he returned his attention to the front and then slammed his right foot into the board as it accelerated quicker than ever. Evidently, Zoda had tinkered with it after riding the Dragoon.

Unknown location: Kandor Ito was watching the displays silently as the indicators gave the locations of the pods and the wall of lava making its way around the planet and up the various volcanoes.

"Well done diplomat, well done," declared the ambassador as he held up his drink to him. "But this game isn't over yet."


	17. The Plan

Tatooine: Kandor Ito sat in his darkened room staring at a display that showed a dot indicating one of the drilling devices moving across the Dune Sea towards him.

"What's your game, Jedi?" he wondered aloud at the drill's unwillingness to conceal its location.

Pod: "So what's our game, Jedi?" asked Kirby mockingly for the umpteenth time. Zoda groaned and then growled as he continued pulling levers and flicking switches. Zobba was still in the back sitting there perplexed as usual but seemingly content to go along with the ride for now. He hadn't uttered a word since Zoda and Kirby had both snapped at him a couple hours back, but he knew they meant no ill will.

"We're going to the bad guy's lair to kick his butt alright?" Zoda responded as he threw another lever and the vehicle trudged along on its treads.

"And you think he's going to just let us roll up and ring the doorbell?" asked Kirby bemused.

"No," confessed Zoda earnestly. "But I'm sick of all of this waiting around; Obi-Wan was fond of springing traps and so am I."

Kirby thought about that.

"That didn't end so well when he sprung that trap on the Death Star," the Warp Star Warror laughed hysterically. Zoda stewed at that.

"Can it!" he shouted. Kirby laughed even harder at that. Zoda grumbled even harder.

"You know, I really hate you," he declared. Kirby nodded enthusiastically.

"Awesome!"

"Raahhh!"

"Aaahhh!!!"

"Gentlemen I urge calm!" pleaded Zobba hysterical.

Coruscant: Keira was reading through her daily reports before drumming her fingers on desk annoyed. She normally loved her job, but now she couldn't concentrate knowing that Kirby, Zoda, and Neva Kee were still stuck on Tatooine. Sighing, she activated her holocomm.

"Yes?" came the response from her secretary.

"Has there been any news out of Tatooine?" she asked, practically pleading. A sound of papers rustling was heard.

"Sorry but no," came the response as Keira's head drooped onto the desk. "However, we have had a rash of calls from the planet inquiring about us covering volcano damage."

Keira instantly sat up. "Volcano damage?"

"Yes," said the secretary a little bored. "I guess the planet's suffering a little…'indigestion'."

Keira considered this, perplexed. "I don't remember hearing anything on the holonet about eruptions."

"Yeah, which is why legal thinks they're making it up," came the disinterested response and the sound of nails being filed. "I doubt we'll even send a representative after that claim that one of their towns got frozen in a large block of ice and all that other nonsense as of late."

Keira reached over and grabbed her denim jacket and slipped it on. But before she could button it up, she asked one last question.

"What do our contacts in the government say?" she inquired.

"Matter closed per direct orders from the Supreme Chancellor," stated the response. Keira grabbed her blaster and clubs and rushed out the door.

"I'll be on Tatooine!" she declared rushing for her ship.

Unknown Location, Tatooine: Kandor watched on his screen as the drilling unit shook and then Kirby rushed out being chased by Zoda with both his lightsabers extended while Zobba also emerged and followed, concerned.

"Oh hell," said Kandor disgusted. He knew he should just throw the switch and activate his 'final solution', but he was hoping he'd get at least a challenge. With the diplomat and Jabba dead, the other three had fallen apart to infighting or at worst, intense squabbling.

"Oh what do I do?" he asked the heavens of the cavern he was in, but there was no response. Instead a bleeping noise caught his attention and he pressed another button.

"What have you done, Kandor?" demanded the Supreme Chancellor. Kandor laughed.

"Nothing illegal, I know that," he laughed. Kantoros Idis scowled at him.

"And do you really think that this is going to win you any points with the Galactic Senate?" the Chancellor demanded. Kandor nodded enthusiastically.

"Yes," he admitted. "When I wipe out Tatooine's scum and villainy, the galaxy will hail me a hero and the accolades will begin pouring in! In fact, I think you know that as well because you sent Neva Kee and Zoda after me rather than let them stop me on their own."

Kantoris just blinked at him in shock. "You're insane."

A sly smile crossed Kandor's face. "We'll see. Oh by the way, the diplomat's dead."

He shut off the transmission to avoid seeing Kantoris's reaction to that. Before switching over and noticed the pod on its way again towards him.

_RRRRRRUMMMMMMMMMMBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEE_

"The hell," demanded Kandor as the whole room began shaking violently and he was thrown from his chair. All around him, his equipment fell down onto the floor throwing sparks and metal everywhere. And then the middle of the cave cracked open and lava and fire roared out from the hole that had been created before a massive drill plugged the hole and it stopped. Soon the fans installed removed the smoke from the room and Kandor lay there coughing as his vision cleared. And he wasn't happy with what he saw.

"**Diplomat**," he growled angrily. Neva Kee was sitting on the surfboard with a frazzled Treadwell as lava dripped off the droid and surfboard.

"Sorry to disappoint, by rumors of my death…," began the diplomat, intentionally trailing off the end of that sentence before looking around at his chronometer.

"Hmm, would've thought the others would've been here by now," he lamented. Kandor gave an evil smirk at that.

"Hate to disappoint you, but…," he began.

_CRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH_

The second drilling unit slammed through the wall throwing more debris into the room as Zoda, Kirby, and Zobba emerged from the vehicle.

"I told you I'd get us here," said Zoda triumphantly as he brushed his hands together. Kirby nodded, folding a chart.

"Thanks to my awesome navigating," he added before swallowing the map.

"And my…ummm…knowledge of the pod's controls," Zobba also pointed out.

"Anyway," said Zoda before looking at the scene before them as the other pod opened and Jabba dropped out of it and onto the floor in a huff. "Did we miss anything?"

"Not really," Neva confessed before returning his attention to Kandor. "So, ready to surrender yet?"

"Not really," Kandor commented dryly before adding darkly. "But did you really think those two lava displacement devices were the only weapons at my disposal? I am going to crack this planet in half!"

As the ambassador continued on his ramblings, Zoda reached into his jacket and reached for his lightsabers and twirled them out before both extended their blades while Kirby waddled off and began sorting through the destroying electronics with Treadwell.

"Ugh, how cliché," stated the diplomat a little annoyed at the ambassador's remarks. Kirby motioned for Zoda and the Jedi approached and the two began conversing in hushed tones.

"I suppose you're right," Kandor conceded. "But I've been planning this for years and I highly doubt you have any experience in blowing up planets."

A shadow crossed over Neva's features. "You'd be surprised…"

_SHRUUUUUMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

And then Zoda's lightsaber sliced through Kandor's neck, decapitating him. Neva watched the head roll away in silence before walking over and picking it up as sparks flew from the bottom of it before looking over at Zoda who was poking the other half of the android's body.

"The A-2s always were a bit twitchy," the Jedi commented wryly. Neva Kee shot him a doubtful look before returning his attention to the head.

"Well, it was a boring conversation anyway," he conceded before tucking the head under his arm. "Let's go."

He headed for the Zoda's pod as Kirby swallowed all the electronics before entering into the pod as well and the vehicle rumbled off leaving Jabba alone with the destruction.

Cafeteria: "Ew," said the Judge despite himself at the turn of events this trial had taken. "You don't still have that head do you? If it shows up at this trial I'll immediately rule in the prosecution's favor."

Neva, Zoda, and Zobba all shook their heads in dead silence.

"Good," said the Judge relieved. "Now continue."

Farm: Zoda was working with the junk he had collected from the overturned sandcrawler while Zobba watched him curiously as Neva Kee had hooked up various diagnostic systems to the robot head and Treadwell while Kirby watched mystified.

"Are you sure Kandor wasn't always a robot?" he felt the need to ask. Neva had to think long and hard about that one.

"Well, then we're either screwed or not," the diplomat figured. "Which, truth be told, isn't any different than if he is flesh and blood and is out there now plotting against us."

Kirby felt disappointed by that statement as Neva Kee switched on his diagnostic de vice. "This sucks."

"Tell me about it," said the diplomat as the head came to life and stared blankly at them. The diplomat took one of the leads of the wires and struck it against the generator he had as the head began speaking.

"Cyberdyne Systems Model 10-," began the head before Neva Kee shut it off.

"Oh hell, whoever memory wiped this thing didn't do a very good job before Kandor got it," the diplomat said, extremely aggravated as he hit the lead again.

"I admire its purity. A survivor... unclouded by conscience, remorse, or delusions of morality," began the head again as Neva Kee again disgustedly shut off the head. He turned to Kirby for inspiration but only got:

"I see you're making little 'head' way," laughed the Warp Star Warrior maliciously. The diplomat groaned even harder than he had in a long time.

"**If you start making puns I'll kill you**," he growled. Kirby held up his appendages in surrender.

"Okay, I won't," he relented. "I'd hate to lose my head."

The puffball turned and ran out the door as Neva contemplated chasing after him before deciding it wasn't worth the effort.

"Can't we just send him home?" asked Zoda finally. Neva shook his head as he rubbed the bride of his nose as Zoda assembled what looked like a throttle mechanism and a joystick.

"Not until Bob O. fixes his ship, Kirby really totaled the thing," he responded before hitting the lead again.

"Unit 212, registered owner: Kandor Ito," began the head. Neva breathed a sigh of relief before flipping some switches on his diagnostic device.

"At last," said Enkidu pleased as he took out a pen and paper as Zoda gave up on what he was doing and took a seat next to him while Zobba began examining his work on the floor.

"High functions offline and we're set," said Neva adjusting one more switch. "Okay my little friend how 'bout some answers. Who are you working for?"

"Well we already know that," said Zoda cutting in. Neva glared at him and the Jedi clammed up.

"Kaaannnddddor Iiiiito," came the slurred response as Neva adjusted a switch and then looked over at Treadwell.

"That was the truth," he said to the droid. "Any reaction you get other than that is a lie and I need you to monitor the head for any lies that come our way."

Treadwell nodded its head as Neva returned his attention to the robot.

"Is Kandor Ito on Tatooine?" asked the diplomat.

"Yes," came the response.

"Where is he?"

"This conversation can serve no further purpose," came the response from the head as it starting turning red and throwing off sparks.

"Oh, great," complained Neva as he and Zoda took off and the head exploded throwing chunks of it everywhere. "As if this day couldn't get any worse."

The two were slowly getting to their feet when Kirby appeared in the doorway and looked at the destruction and the singed backsides of the two aliens.

"So…," he began whistling innocently. "Are now a_head_ or _behind_? Wahahahahaha!!!"

Elsewhere: Kandor Ito sat in the restaurant located at the top of the crashed spaceliner, _The Dowager Queen_ and sipped some caf as he reviewed his reports. The android had done its purpose in letting the Chancellor know the truth and also done enough to whet the appetites of his two nemeses. Now all that remained was to make his final move and that was it, Tatooine was history and he'd finally be free.

_Farm_: Neva Kee finished rooting through the scorched remains of the android and pulled out a particular component and attached it to his portable scanner and looked at the results.

"I've never seen such a high midichlorian count in a life-form before!" Zoda declared as the ambassador groaned and rolled his eyes and continued reading the display.

"Interesting stuff," he admitted before shutting it down and putting it away and headed to the outside. The diplomat looked into the distance in silence before producing a golf ball and his driver and smacked the ball into the distance.

"Let him mull over that for awhile," he declared and headed off to join Kirby and Treadwell in deciding what their next move.

_Dowager Queen_: Kandor was about to leave after having finished his meal when the glass exploded next to him and his table flew apart throwing food and kindling everywhere. In its place was a golf ball that had streaked in from out of nowhere and the ambassador looked at it with a mixture of fear and disgust before exiting the establishment amongst the ensuing panic.

_Cafeteria:_ "That reminds me, the _Dowager Queen_ has sunk two levels into the quicksand thanks to your little weather stunt," IG-72 stated as he produced some documents that had math and various pencil marks on a schematic of the ship's position relative to the surface of the planet. "May I ask how you managed to _not_ have the Bar and Restaurant Association members pursuing litigation against you?"

"Find out," responded the Jedi with an evil smirk. Neva Kee just shrugged but offered nothing further. Zobba looked like he wanted to add something helpful but decided against it.

"Moving on…," the Xamster continued.

_Farm_: The quartet was clustered around the table as usual with Kirby dressed up in a four star general's outfit and riding around the table on Treadwell while carrying a whip in his hands.

"We're going to go in and dominate! We will show our enemies no mercy because they can run, but they can't hide! Now let's go out there and kick their-!"

"Ease down, Patton!" said Neva Kee as he slammed him into his seat. "We're not going to be killing anybody, we're going to stop Kandor's plan to turn Tatooine into a cinder by saving Tatooine before he can instigate his plan."

"…Huh?" asked Kirby bewildered.

"We are going to make things so that when Kandor activates his endgame, it will automatically be nullified," the diplomat responded. "So since Kandor is planning on submerging the whole of Tatooine in lava, I ask you, what is the one thing that can stop lava?"

The four others thought about it.

"Kirby, when he's on a power trip," Zoda said offhand. "Or at least he thinks he can."

Kirby jumped up onto the table. "What do you mean 'think'?"

"Krakatoa, Vesuvius, St. Helens…need I go on?" asked the Jedi pointedly.

"Hmmph," came the response as the pink blob sat back down. "I would've prevented those events if you'd let me!"

"Then how do you explain Tunguska?" asked Zobba finally chiming in.

"I-," he began when realization hit him. "How did you know about that?"

"Because that's why Neva and Zoda won't take me there," said Zobba sorely disappointed that Kirby's stunt prohibited him from visiting the world the two aliens talked about so highly. But before Kirby could argue, Treadwell beeped and the group looked at the droid as it turned to look at the vaporators and then back at them.

"Well done, my stout friend," said Neva pleased. "Hydrogen Oxide is the answer!"

"Ah!" said Zobba understanding at last. "Of course, it's so simple!"

Kirby thought about it. "I thought plastics made it possible?"

"More like ceramics, I'd say," responded Zoda as he held up his putter and gave it a brief kiss.

"You don't even use that except to hit people with it," Neva Kee pointed out, annoyed. Zoda sighed and looked at the club.

"True," he declared and flipped it away before turning back to the group. "So…two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen, right?"

"Yeah," confirmed the diplomat as he produced the acquifyning rod from earlier. "And we'll find it with ol' faithful here."

"So we turn Tatooine into a giant vat of quicksand," Zoda figured. "Well, that would be fun but somehow I see it still fulfilling Kandor's plans anyway."

"Well we'll just cross that bridge when we come to it," said Neva Kee as he headed for the Chariot LAV that was now hauling one of the drilling machines from earlier. "Let's go!"

"Coming!" said Zoda as he brought his rocket powered surfboard with him. Zobba got into the back. Kirby was also about to board when a screech was heard nearby and Bob O came to a halt in his hover-tow truck and dropped off a yellow star shaped vehicle.

"All fixed!" he declared. "I'll bill ya later."

The truck was gone, leaving Kirby in a state of shock. He then looked over at the others with pleading eyes. The diplomat just shook his head in humility before swinging his arm towards them.

"Let's go Kirby!" he declared. The Warp Star Warrior beamed a wide grin and raced to the vehicle and soon the group was underway.


	18. Normalcy ends now

Dune Sea: The Chariot LAV rumbled across the desert with the A-Team onboard.

"Ow!" declared Zoda nearly causing Neva Kee to lose control of the vehicle. "What on Tatooine-?"

He reached into his robes and pulled out the Oscillation Overthruster from earlier and he placed it on the dashboard.

"Hmm," he pondered. "Thought I left this back at the farm…"

Neva Kee shrugged lightly. "Maybe it'll come in handy later on. In fact, I think we'd better empty all our pockets to see what we have available to us."

The group was about to empty their pockets when the diplomat held up his hand to Kirby.

"You get one item to add to our collection and that's it!" the diplomat declared. "So choose wisely."

In the center of the LAV, assorted items such as blasters and lightsabers and other random objects appeared from blasters to lightsabers to briefcases and other assorted items.

"Not much, but it'll do," Neva Kee admitted as he held up a couple random bits and twisted them together. "So Kirby, what's ya got?"

Kirby held up his one item, it was two plastic sides and a metal bar connecting them along with a piece of string attached to the bar that ended in a loop.

"It was a tough choice but there was really only one I could make," he responded truthfully. "My yo-yo."

The Warp Star Warrior flung the yo-yo out and it zipped between Neva Kee and Zoda before returning to his appendage.

"Yeah!" he declared, pleased. "After 100 years I've still got it! Popstar Yo-Yo champion for thirteen years running! Well…cryogenic freeze aside of course."

"Of course," Neva Kee agreed along with Zoda who nodded his head, both leaving out the fact that no one else on Popstar used a yo-yo. But Kirby was a lot better than they were at any rate and could probably tangle with the best…if any existed in this galaxy far, far away.

"Zoda, take the wheel and get us to Beggar's Canyon," Neva ordered as he hopped out of his seat and headed for the back.

"Ooh, can I thread the…," began the Jedi.

"No!" came the response from other three in the back along with Treadwell who revved its engines in protest.

"Fine!" he huffed and turned back to the controls, but was soon laughing evilly to himself at what might've been by threading the tall stone needle in Beggar's Canyon in a vehicle designed to hug the surface of the planet. In the back, Neva Kee was examining the various items and components and meticulously combining them together. Zobba for his part was reading through all the literature he could find in the vehicle that belonged to its previous owners while Kirby continued playing with his yo-yo.

"So do you know what you're making or do you just…'make' it all up?" asked the Warrior curious. The diplomat regarded his contraption with interest as he turned and looked at it from all angles.

"Well, I mainly put together components I know will go together and then see what various things I've made and if they'll go together and make something new," the diplomat explained as he snapped two more pieces together. "It works and sometimes it doesn't."

Kirby laughed at that as light snoring could be heard from Zobba as pamphlets scattered everywhere from his hands. After a few moments of silence, upon which Treadwell headed up front, the blue alien looked at the pink puffball.

"Speaking of cryo, why don't you tell me more about that adventure you said you had with all those interesting characters," Neva offered to get the conversation going again. "I'll still be paying attention even though I'm working with this stuff."

"Okay," said Kirby pleased. "Well, I'm not really sure how it started, after all I expected to be frozen and then immediately come out of it seeing you and Zoda. But instead there's a flash of light and I see myself plummeting to the ground of some unknown planet."

"Weird," the diplomat said as he fished out a hydrospanner and began using it to twist and untwist various screws. "The Chiss never reported anything like that when we picked you up, not that I don't believe that your story happened."

"Well I know you do believe me," Kirby assured him. "Especially after I coughed up that turbolaser."

"And from what I gather from Zoda, you've also acquired something you don't want to reveal," the diplomat continued as he produced a rag and began wiping some oil off a random component. The Warpstar's head dropped at that, before he nodded in response.

"He's right, he's right," the Warrior admitted glumly. "But, I will deal with it, I promise."

The diplomat regarded him carefully before tipping his head at him.

"I have no doubt that you will," he answered. "All the same, if you feel you need help you only need to ask."

Kirby nodded. "So I landed smack into the ground next to a space freighter of some sort with some guy called Dashendar or something and his robot Dweeb-o and some dinosaur looking think named Yoshi."

Neva Kee chuckled to himself at those names before continuing to listen with a broad grin on his face.

"So I join them and we take off and before I can steal the ship and head for deep space, we crash," the puffball continued. "And then a jaunt in the forest later we end up at some castle and there're all these vehicles run by these 'roger, roger' robots everywhere firing lasers and whatnot."

"Sounds like your kind of element to steal everything in sight," the diplomat added. Kirby laughed.

"That it was," he readily admitted. "After the battle died down and we were introduced to a bunch of losers and our loser hosts, Celda and Dink, I stole as much as I could and burned down part of the castle."

"That certainly sounds like something you would do," the diplomat agreed as he attached two more components together.

"So we had our fun, routed the bad guys, saved the Internet and then I'm sucked through a vortex again and I'm being woken up by you guys from cryo," the Warp Star Warrior concluded.

"Crazy," the Xamster concluded. "Wish I'd been there."

"Me too," Zoda chimed in from upfront.

"Achoo!!!" sneezed Zobba as everything flew everywhere in the back and that woke him up. "Sorry."

"Well, we're here," said Zoda from upfront. "Looks like something's going on though, we've got company."

The diplomat finished making his device and headed upfront to see several speeders and other assorted vehicles and tents near the edge of the canyon. The LAV came to a halt and the team piled out and looked at an empty flat plane devoid of life.

"Well this is peculiar," stated Zobba looking around. "Where could they all be?"

"Maybe down there waiting for the race to start?" figured Kirby as he looked into the canyon. The rest approached and saw stands built into the side of the canyon wall and inside the canyon was an assorted array of T-16 Skyhoppers on the ground.

"Of course," said the Xamster snapping his fingers. "This must be part of the Moisture Circuit, they are run about this time of the year. Basically it's an event where the Moisture Famers of the area compete in friendly competitions and there are occasional wager here and there for borrowing of equipment and labor. I've never participated since I haven't been around."

Zoda rubbed his hands at that. "So let's participate now!"

"Except its too bad we don't have a T-16 anymore after Zobba took ours and never brought it back," the diplomat said finishing his line of thought.

"And once again the Hutt has screwed us!" Zoda complained as he threw his hands up in the air and started down the steps into the stands.

"I'll bring it back, I promise!" the Hutt swore as he too descended the stairs. The Jedi laughed at that.

"We'll probably have to take you to court to get it back," he figured. Zobba's subsequent horrified reaction at that was the only motivation the Jedi needed to have made that statement and he lightly chuckled to himself as a result.

"Oh please, the next time we end in court will likely be because of whatever we do to stop Kandor's plans," Neva Kee figured as the group found an empty bench and each took a seat except for Zobba who sat in the row above them after the people there moved out, figuring Zobba was one of the less illustrious Hutts out there. It wasn't true of course and though Zobba did what he could to dispel that image around him, he couldn't immediately prove it to people he'd never met before.

"So, are we here to watch the whole thing?" asked Kirby curious. "It is the end of the world and all."

"Ah, it's always the end of the world with us," Zoda chimed in dismissively. "I say we stay and have a normal outing for once."

"How 'bout it Enkidu?" asked Zobba curious. The diplomat eyed the race and its participants and then at his team who seemed apprehensive as to what his decision would be. The diplomat then turned to look at the briefcase in his right hand and his decision was made.

"We're staying," he declared. "This gives me a perfect opportunity to try out my new machine. So who wants a sno-cone or ice-cream cone, she makes both."

The suitcase popped open to reveal a fully working cone maker and the orders were placed and the machine slowly puttered to life. Below, the T-16s were getting ready to launch, but just before the cones were ready and the hoppers took off, a shadow fell over the group. Looking up, the team saw the visage of Kandor Ito standing on the steps right next to them with a passive look on his face. The team stared at him and he just stared right back. And then the cone maker indicated it was done and produced the first cone, a regular vanilla ice-cream cone. The diplomat took the cone and looked at it thoughtfully before holding it up and silently offering it to the ambassador.

"It's not armed," the diplomat offered light-heartedly as the other cones finished also and he handed them out to the rest of the team. The ambassador watched them suspiciously, but as the others began enjoying their cones in the high heat and the T-16s took off, the ambassador took a bite out of it and recoiled briefly at the cold before taking a seat next to the others.

"Should be a good race this year," the Tatooine ambassador tentatively opened the conversation with.

"I…really haven't been around much to know for sure," Neva Kee confessed.

"I used to come here with my father back in the old days," Kandor elaborated. "Seeing the races, the friendliness amongst the moisture farmers, this is the part of Tatooine nobody really sees. All they see are the criminals and the corruption, not the goodness that exists here. That's why I felt that if we somehow entered the Galactic Republic that things might turn around."

The diplomat nodded. "Sorry we had to ruin your opportunity."

Kandor waved him off. "I don't blame you. If it hadn't been Jabba hiring thugs to destroy his own sailbarge, it just would've been something else that would convince the Supreme Chancellor to call it off. No, I won't allow myself and Tatooine to suffer anymore under this disease of scum and villainy, which is why I'm going to destroy Tatooine before things get any worse."

"I think that's the wrong decision to make, but I suppose that's all there is to be said on that subject," the diplomat figured. Kandor nodded in response.

"So what do you think about the war bill currently on the floor of the Senate?" asked Kandor curious. Neva Kee groaned at that and rolled his eyes.

"That bill to create an army always seems to come up every fifty years or so and is shot down every time. It'll take an actual crisis for it to even have the slightest chance at succeeding I say," he answered dismissively.

"Ambassador Zobba, shouldn't you be part of those deliberations?" Kandor then asked the Hutt. The giant slug let out a massive sight at that statement.

"Normally yes, but this is the one time out of a thousand that the Hutt Council told me to butt out," he answered. "Either they figure I'll endorse an army that'll cause problems for them or I won't in which case they'll try and make one to sell to the Republic at a ridiculous cost. I can only wonder."

Kandor nodded his head. "But do you think it'll ever pass?"

The diplomat and the other ambassador nodded. "It's inevitable," Neva Kee responded.

"Especially if Neva is to be believed and the Trade Federation starts causing problems in a few years," Zobba recalled from a brief conversation he had overheard Zoda and the diplomat talking about. Neva Kee cringed inwardly at that, since it was the truth, but he and Zoda took steps to try and not alter the course of history.

"You really think so?" asked Kandor to the diplomat. Neva just shrugged.

"Well if the current talks of trade restrictions slowly build over time, I could see it happening," he commented. "But that's a long way away even if it does."

"Mmmm," said Kandor dismissively. "Well I suppose the Jedi can defend us against oncoming threats."

"I wish that were so," said Neva Kee sadly as he thought ahead of The Clone Wars, Palpatine and Order 66.

"So how fast can they go?" asked Kirby to Zoda as he sucked on his sno-cone. The T-16s raced past on their second lap to the cheers of the crowd.

"1200 kilometers an hour with open sky," said Zoda. Kirby whistled at that figure.

"Meanness put to music," the warrior quoted. "But how fast have you gone in one?"

"Escape velocity," the Jedi responded rather pleased with himself. That got a hearty laugh from Kirby.

"Nice," he declared. "So what do you think you and ol' red eyes over there will do once all this madness is done with?"

"Move on," Zoda responded truthfully. "We're nomads at heart, staying in one place for a long time just gives us cabin fever. Besides, the longer you stay the more the past can catch up with you."

Kirby nodded solemnly. "I used to think that way too. But what was a temporary stop in Popstar became longer and longer and after spending 100 years in cryo, I realized I cared for these Cappies and their problems that only I could solve. Only I realized it too late and now they don't need me anymore. You can never go home again, you really can't."

Zoda nodded reluctantly. "So you gave up any hope of convincing the Cappies they still needed you and the overgrown puffin of an archenemy?"

The Warp Star Warrior nodded. "As far as Pop Star is concerned, yes, however, the Cappies did some interstellar awhile back and there's a smaller colony called Dreamland with somewhat primitive technology. Dedede and I decided to go there to set up shop, but it'll take him some time to finish getting ready and I figured I'd come here for one last ride."

"But all the same, don't you think the 312 initiative has some pull with the CorSec and those in the Corellian Lobby?" asked Kandor. Neva gave a half-hearted frown at that one.

"Normally I would agree, but after the incident with the rules committee with the soft money bribes fiasco...," he trailed off. Kandor briefly nodded but then shrugged it off.

"I think they'll still be able to pull it off, CorSec and the Corellian System are basically no man's land for the rest of the galaxy and so few other systems would care about it's provisos for mining pulse mass in their own hyperspace jurisdiction in the rest of the galaxy," he responded. Zobba nodded his head in agreement.

"Well we'll see," the diplomat said amicably as he took a lick from his cone. The T-16s crossed the finish line on the final lap and set down to the cheers of its participants.

"That's it?" asked Kirby annoyed. "Nobody crashed!"

"Well some almost did," Zoda noted. "But they had a helping hand 'force'-ing them not to."

"Ugh," said Kirby at hearing that pun as he got up. "I think I'll just mosey on down to winner's row and give my congratulations."

Neva Kee slammed him back into his seat. "I'm not going to be held responsible for explaining how twenty-one competition worthy T-16s suddenly vanished when you walked past them."

"Nuts," came his disappointed response. The diplomat nodded, thankful that that was one crisis averted when he noticed something was missing.

"Where did the cone maker go?!?!" he demanded at the empty bench in front of him. Kirby whistled to himself innocently.

"Oh look at the time, better be off before I get sunstroke," he stated and took off as Zoda's dueling sabers shot from out of his sleeves and snapped on.

"YOU GET BACK HERE!" he roared as Kirby ran off screaming while Zobba chased after them asking for the safe return of the ice cream maker. The trio raced down the stairs and soon was headed off down Beggar's Canyon for parts unknown. The diplomat gathered his thoughts and headed up the stairs with Kandor Ito and Treadwell trailing behind.

"Well this has proved an enlightening conversation," Kandor admitted. "But as much as I wish we could stay and chat forever, it has to end tomorrow."

Neva Kee shook his head in disagreement. "It won't end tomorrow."

"But," began Kandor looking down at the alien when a ship passed by overhead and the resulting shadow made the diplomat's soft red eyes turn into deep red harsh ones.

"It ends today," he declared. And then he and the droid were gone as the Chariot LAV rolled off over the edge of the cliff and down the stands before hitting the bottom of the canyon and racing off after its wayward passengers. After it had done so, the LAV continued deeper into the chasm until it was gone from sight as Kandor watched them go sadly before shaking them at the emotion away and pulling out a detonator and placing his finger on the trigger.

"I thought you might say that," he said. "Goodbye diplomat, as you might say 'may the force be with you'."

He hit the trigger and across the planet, massive explosions churned up sand as out of the two bombs that had been placed on the planet earlier that intended to submerge the entire planet in lava, one had been disabled and another detonated. What the group wasn't aware of was a third bomb that was completely inert and offline. Those two alone had the power to tumble Tatooine off of its orbit around Tatoo I and Tatoo II and plunge it directly into them. Though every instinct in his body was telling him to flee, Kandor would wait it out until the very end. The group that had just left him had foiled his, and others, plans one too many times and he had to see this one to fruition. Everything depended on it.

Beggar's Canyon: The whole canyon began shaking as rocks rained down from above on the helpless LAV.

"Way to go Enkidu," Zoda complained as a boulder slammed down next to them. Neva Kee jerked hard on the wheel and the LAV slingshot around the boulder and kept going.

"I needed Ito to activate the other bombs or we'd never be done with him," Neva Kee yelled back through clenched teeth. "So this is one egg we had to break to get our omelet."

"Okay," said Zoda slowly beginning to understand as another rock came crashing down. "So how do we explode this omelet all over Kandor's face?"

"Simple," said the diplomat as he revealed the acquifyning rod and placed it on the dashboard next to the Oscillation Overthruster. The rod began glowing and then pointed off at the nearby canyon wall. "By going through solid rock."

"Oh great," said Kirby strapping himself in with his seatbelt as the others followed suit. "Another rip roaring entry for the 'Neva Kee and Zoda almost got me killed' list."

"Not this time," Neva Kee promised as the wall loomed ever closer. "Today, I'll succeed in killing us."

Kirby broke out into a smile at that. "It's about time!"

The LAV slammed straight into the wall as a giant boulder came crashing down on top of it.


End file.
